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Thursday, 21 September 2017

Are Some Men Who Slut Shame Fighting Submissive Urges?

She was classy and articulate, one of the "nice girls",
but that didn't stop her from having sex.
There was a girl at my High School when everybody was younger than they should have been, and she had sex at a party.

She was classy and articulate, one of the "nice girls", but that didn't stop her from having sex.

And we all teased her. We slut shamed her.

I slut shamed her.

And she called me on it. The conversation went:
Me: "Ha ha. I hear you got up to things at the weekend. Fnar fnar."
Her (brightly): "Yes I had sex at a party. It was fun."
Me: "Oh... OK."
I think I apologised. I hope I did. And though we were never quite friends, I think we got along fine from then on.

Looking back I feel both shame and confusion.

The shame part is obvious. Even back then I was "anti-sexist", but here was a young woman starting to explore her sexuality and I was one of the baying idiots fucking it up for her. Thank god she (seemed) to have a thick skin. My excuse is that it was the 1980s, sex education was poor, and I was insecure enough to succumb to pack behaviour - she'd also have been teased if she had accidentally set light to her bedroom or had some other non-sexual mishap. Even so, I still feel ashamed.

Slut shaming is hardly in
the interest of straight males!
The confusion... well slut shaming is confusing.

For a start, slut shaming is hardly in the interest of straight males!

Surely, men want to encourage women to embrace their sexuality. And, wouldn't individual men gain a dating advantage by appearing to offer a safe space for exploration?

Also, it can't be about morality.

Even if you are on the conservative end of the moral spectrum, surely there are far more pressing issues in the world than whether an academic shops at Victoria's Secret!

So to me, the misogyny behind slut shaming looks very much like gynophobia - some men are afraid of the power of female sexuality.

I'm certainly one of those, so much so that I have fetishized fear itself. I've always been attracted to sexual women, and always been afraid of them. But what was I afraid of?

What are men afraid of? What is this mysterious power female sexuality is supposed to confer? How can dressing in stockings and a basque, for example, possibly be "empowering"?

Some men faced by sexual women
feel a submissive undertow...
The elephant in the room is Femdom.

I suspect that just as homophobia often hides homosexual desires, gynophobia must often - not always - hide strong submissive drives.

I don't mean that all gynophobes have detailed, torrid Femdom fantasies churning below the surface. I think it's more primal and disturbing for them than that.

I think Femdom is part of the range of natural human sexual relationships, one of the sweet spots that's evolved over the millennia. It's there in some of us whether we like it or not.

Some men faced by sexual women feel a submissive undertow. They can't articulate it, but it threatens to rob them of their autonomy and destroy the story they tell themselves about their masculinity.

So they push back, deny loudly, and thus they slut shame.

I don't think repressed submissive urges are the only reason why men slut shame. However, I would hope that as society becomes less kink phobic, men with submissive urges will understand and accept their drives and stop behaving like dicks.

Wouldn't it be nice if we saw more Femdom and less slut shaming?


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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Thursday, 7 September 2017

Why Evolutionary Psychology isn't very practically useful when thinking about Femdom (or any BDSM) Relationships

I'd rather be a hardwired pervert
than a Freudian-made one.
I like Evolutionary Psychology. It's a great parlour game, real studies by real scientists are fascinating, and I've found it helpful to see that my submissive sexuality might actually fit into a more primal setting: I'd rather be a hardwired pervert than a Freudian-made one.

However, whatever you think of the value of it as a science, Evolutionary Psychology is not actually very practically useful in Femdom or BDSM.

Partly this is because it's hard to disentangle nature and nurture.

Mostly, though, it's because Evolutionary Psychology is redundant!

Why go from (A)  observations of the modern world to (B) hypothesising based on a hypothetical palaeolithic, and (C) then back to acting the modern world? You can just skip the middle step and ask, "What works?"

And most of what what works boils down to: 
  • Don't be an ass or a loser. 
  • Take social risks to form new relationships.
  • Listen to people and take them seriously.
  • Date for broader compatibility, not just kink (because a lot of people are secretly kinky or kink-amenable).
  • Ask for things you want, but focusing on what's in it for your partner.
  • Don't try to be dominant with a dominant potential partner.
That last should be pretty obvious! 

If you insist on taking the palaeolithic view: presumably a dominant palaeolithic woman would want a mate who would be good at wrestling cave bears, but also do as he's told. 

However, that's working backwards from the thing we observe anyway, to a hypothesis that doesn't help guide our behaviour.

Which is my point.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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Tuesday, 5 September 2017

Ask Giles: What do I do once I've locked my husband in chastity?

You need to know what the chastity is about first! It can be one or all of the following:

About you controlling his orgasm. If so, then you can - and he's probably hoping you will - use that power to get things you want. Have him earn his orgasm through chores and pampering, and bedroom service.

About him being locked. If so, then fun is to be had from the fact he can't get off, or even get his dick out. You don't actually have to unlock him to tease him. Just put on sexy clothing and let him pleasure you. For added points, have him wear a strapon to simulate normal sex - there's nothing quite so exquisitely frustrating. And of course there's sexting, little sexy tasks for him during the day, and - if it's his bag - tormenting him by making him wear panties and so on.

About you being penis-free. If so, enjoy getting what you want in bed without any effort on your part, and without the messy finish. Don't even let him mention his dick or his frustration. The effect on him will probably be the same as the previous option, but with less work for you.

And of course you can move between all three of these...

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
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Monday, 4 September 2017

Really not roleplaying our Female Led Relationship

"So you're in charge, and I'm chaste,
and they come as package,
and I have no choice about it?"
"I checked and it's been two years before we had a proper contract negotiation."

"Yes," says Xena. I'm rubbing her feet. She's tired but happy to answer questions (I checked first).

"So we seem to have drifted into Xena's in charge by default," I press.

"Exactly... do my legs."

I oblige, running my hands over her oiled calves. "So, basically, we keep going until you decide otherwise."

"That's right," says my wife.

"Do I have any say in it?" I ask, my cock hardening in its cage.

"No," she says, and I know she actually means it.

"What about the chastity? Can I opt out of that arrangement?"

"Expand?"

I'm caressing her from knee to shapely foot now. "Take back control of my orgasm. Masturbate when I want to?"

"Certainly not." She means that too.

"So you're in charge, and I'm chaste, and they come as package, and I have no choice about it?"

"Yes," says my wife of two decades. "Correct."

"OK..." I say. My penis rears up and tries to split its cage - no chance of that. It doesn't help that I haven't come for months.

This is, of course, not how you're supposed to negotiate BDSM contracts. In fact, that wasn't even a negotiation.

An articulate older and apparently experienced poster on Chastity Mansion said:
Once you establish limits, it becomes role playing. The domme cannot dominate without the subs consent. The sub has the power, not the domme. Utter a safe word and all comes to a halt. The domme has no such word to utter to make you submissive again.
So, what if I'd wanted to argue or insist on a review date? Or insisted that I go back to unfettered masturbation, or that we should move back toward vanilla sex?

Even Roman slaves
had their limits beyond
which they would run away
What if I had insisted on negotiating?

The Femdom would have gone away, leaving us with the dead bedroom we had five years ago. I would have had a choice of (A) too much of a good thing, or (B) not enough of a mediocre thing.

Because the sub doesn't have a magic word to make the domme dominant if she doesn't want to.

So, given I am kinky, love my wife, and want a fulfilling erotic life, Xena really has most of the power in the relationship. Up to my hard limits, my consent doesn't really much matter. That fact, of course, turns me on horribly, meaning that I do actually consent. Because beyond cold pragmatic decisions to consent, I am also deeply, deeply submissive.

No, she can't make me cross my hard limits. She doesn't own me in the sense a Roman slave was owned.

However, even Roman slaves had their limits beyond which they would run away, rebel or simply break and become useless. You would not make your estate manager blow your boyfriend, or send your secretary to pleasure the local garrison.

So Xena's power over me isn't absolute, but we aren't merely role-playing. She can make me do an awful lot of things I don't want to do, and certainly wouldn't without orders...


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
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Saturday, 2 September 2017

Adventures in Chastity: What keeps us locked and chaste against our will and why?

Tom Allen has this blog post about how male chastity is all a fantasy game, and we stay looked and chaste only because we want to. He's right, but he's also wrong. Here's why.

The first time Xena imposed extended denial on me, it ran to 152 days! I kept asking her whether I could get off, and she kept delaying it. Toward the end I was feeling more irritated than accepting. However I stuck to it because it was what she told me to do. As I sit here locked into my chastity device, I'm very glad I did.

People have always voluntarily signed up for experiences they know that they'll be locked into, and won't entirely enjoy. We generally called these experiences "adventures".

Adventures can be short (say, a roller coaster ride) through long (say, an arctic expedition) to a lifetime (say, getting married).

We see benefits to having the adventure, but we are also locked in for a variety or reasons ranging from practical (can't actually step off a roller coaster in mid ride!) through cost of quitting (losing a deposit, damaging friendships with companions, and feeling cowardly) to emotions  (love can make us stay and fix a marriage).

What's odd about adventures is that we know what we're getting into, we know there will be low points, and that there's no going back. Even so, we still do it.

This is because feelings like wanting, liking, enjoying, and satisfaction are really just labels we give to a quilt of drives and urges, all operating in parallel rather than in summation. You can take a roller-coaster ride and experience: fear; excitement; pride; horror; visceral pleasure; and nausea. You can have a strong wish to get off the ride ("Argh! Let me off! Let me off!") and yet in the aftermath enjoy the most amazing buzz ("Whee! Let's do it again!").

In the case of long term chastity and orgasm denial, it's common to experience an amazing time, and to wish it would end - and to do so simultaneously! You can love the heightened sensations, but be desperate to come.

Thus, though chaste men on forums often over egg it and humble brag, it's entirely reasonable for them to express mixed feelings. You can revel in the power your mistress exercises, even though you also resent it - the very fact she can make you do things you resent is itself a turn on... that's how masochism works.

So much for the why? The what? is intriguing. What locks us into chastity adventures? What keeps us going when we aren't having fun and we just feel pissed off and horny?

Obviously pride, as for any other kind of adventure. Some chastity belt users sound like sportsmen or explorers: "I'm going to make six months if it kills me!"

There are seven motivations that are specific to male chastity.

The first four are psychological:

1. Masturbation after chastity is lonely and anticlimactic. This is especially true if you're self locked because it means leaving behind your taste of a fantasy and being reminded you have nobody to play with.

2. Withdrawing consent might make the Femdom go away.  Even nowadays, we're usually the ones who introduce the idea of Femdom. If we start making things difficult, then our mistresses may just give up on the whole idea. Better  to suffer six months of no orgasm than sixteen years of no Femdom!

3. It's hard to step out of a submission feedback loop.  For primates, having an erection is not just sexual, it's a display of dominance. So not being able to have an erection makes us even more submissive than we already are. Even if self-locked, it becomes surprisingly psychologically hard to pull out or defeat a device. We simply don't feel like doing it. Nor do we feel like deceiving our keyholder, or disobeying her. We are are already submissive and chastity makes us more submissive. Disobedience stops being in our lexicon.

4. You can get used to almost anything.  For many of us, this is just how we live and how our relationships work. It's like moving to an inner city area and liking the convenience and the restaurants, but moaning about the noise and trash.

The last three are practical and relate to damaging or drilling out the device when we don't have the key, e.g. because it's in a time safe, or we're sealed in "permanently".

5. Staying locked is more convenient than breaking out. For those of us without drill benches in well-equipped garages, defeating a device using tools is often less convenient than waiting out our "sentence". This is true even if the sentence is open ended. Things have to a certain level of unbearableness before we start tackling the problem of what tools to use and how, and finding the privacy to do it.

6. Destroying a device is a waste. If we're sealed into a device, we have a strong urge to justify the money we spent on it. (This raises the interesting question of what a month in chastity is worth).

7. Replacement is a problem. Our device may be expensive, our discretionary spend may be limited, and, as in 2., our partners may become cross about us wasting money on "sex toys" which we then break.

Reasons 5-6  suggest that the best possible "permanent" chastity device would be difficult to destroy, expensive, and not readily available... However that's for another blog post.


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
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Thursday, 17 August 2017

Sex and Relationships in 2027

Sex in the future!
Last month, Teen Vogue actually did an article on BDSM! And there are all these surveys about the younger generation's laid-back attitude to sex and sexuallity.

So what's it going to be like in the Anglophone 1st world in ten years time?

I think wildly liberal, but not a 70s style Brave New World shagfest, nor a rolling Bonobo pansexual bonkathon.

Here's why.... (please note this is a prediction, not a manifesto!)

One the one hand, technology pushes the erotic envelope. Medicine's attack on consequences removes the fear. Porn erodes qualms. The wired up world provides opportunities and, through mobile communications, makes people physically safe. We're only one click away from cheap toys and gadgets to fulfil our fantasies. And, with ignorance and fear in retreat, people are starting to be OK with the whole rainbow of sexualities and identities.

On the other hand, a culture of sexual autonomy makes people less rather than more sexually available to others: people increasingly no longer feel they have to do things they don't feel like.

Since sex is an intimate act, it will continue to create vulnerablity. In the absence of cultural scripts telling people to go out and get laid, or to date, many of them will choose not to let down their guard except selectively. So though we'll see more promiscuity done more openly, it's never going to be like the fantasy version of the 1970s Sexual Revolution because only a few people really want to routinely sleep around.

A range of relationship styles will become unremarkable, especially poly, but monogamy isn't going to go away. Since each style generates its own challenges, no one style will be acknowledged best. People and fashion will move between them over time. However, as long as people still have jobs, relationships will tend to drift towards something resembling monogamy as the lazy option.

Similarly, sex remains visceral rather than cerebral. The new generation seemed to have picked up the values without the passionate politics. So though they won't be transphobic or homophobic, and though more of them will be openly pan/bi or "flexible" (or whatever it will be called), for most people, your "actual genitals right now" will still matter. (On the plus side, we can guess that sex changes will get easier and that the genitals you once had won't matter.)

Finally, given that something like 50% of women can't usually get off on penetration, I predict there will be less penis-in-vagina sex than right now.

What about kink?

Kink in general will go mainstream... it already is, to an extent. There won't be a BDSM club on every corner because sex will still be private for most people. However, kink will be a part of the standard bedroom repertoire.

Given most people aren't particularly good at role playing, it will be instrumental kink, with bondage for teasing and denying, and sadism and masochism experienced in the raw without the layer of simulation modern kink culture wraps around its "play". And some kinks based on transgressing race and gender will simply fade away. For example, by 2027, sissification won't make much sense to anybody under 50.

Chastity devices won't be mainstream outside the bedroom, unless somebody nails the problem of security - expect something like the FitBit for cocks. They most certainly will be mainstream in the bedroom. Their primary use will be vanilla: to string out the male plateau phase. However, they will also creep into dating and courtship wherever one partner wishes to delay sexual intercourse.  (I talked about all this here.)

This leads us to the knotty problem of power exchange in asymmetric relationships.

I suspect these will still be taboo. That Teen Vogue article sought advice from a pro-domme, not an established FLR or MLR couple. It emphasised BDSM as play and performance.

Yes, consensual vanilla asymmetric relationships naturally arise in the wild, and yes it's healthy to be able to acknowledge and eroticise the dynamic, not least because it lets you negotiate it. However, ongoing power exchange will feel like a violation of the prevailing egalitarian culture.

So, a submissive may one day think nothing of discussing a flogging with their adventurous friends, but they'll have to keep it a secret that the reason they were flogged was because they didn't do their chores...

There are two ways I can see F/m asymmetric relationships becoming acceptable in the mainstream:

First, asymmetric relationships without BDSM protocol trappings might become widely visible and acceptable in the Lesbian and Gay communities, where gender roles and feminism can't muddy the waters.  If our gay friends can casually talk about  a partner being their "boss", then so can we straight couples.

Second, perhaps there will be a Political Femdom movement along the lines of Political Lesbianism. It won't be called that, and it won't be overtly kinky. It will be touted as a way of subverting patriarchy at root. It might even do that. It will certainly square the circle for a lot of straight couples.

Unfortunately, all this will benefit FLR/Femdom pairings more than it will MLR/Maledom ones. We're going to need another two generations of non-sexist culture before MLR doesn't push the wrong buttons. Unless... just perhaps loudly embracing MLR as a consensual kink might just be seen as a way to subvert old-style patriarchal marriage.

As I said, this is a prediction, not a manifesto. I don't think this world will be perfect, make everybody happy, or even respect everybody's rights. However, it will be better than the erotic environment I grew up on, and better than what goes on today.

Your turn. What do you think things will be like?


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
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Monday, 7 August 2017

My wife gives scary answers to some Femdom hypotheticals

My wife is very literal and serious

"Can I ask you some hypotheticals?"

It's late Sunday night, I'm kneeling at the end of the bed rubbing Xena's feet, as always, locked into my chastity device for the night.

She rather arbitrarily had me unlock for the day, which has left me a bit confused. I have a strong suspicion that her lock/unlock decisions are entirely random

Remember Anya from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"? My wife's a bit like her. Very literal and serious. There are no wheels within within wheels. She has a playful side, but it's spontaneous and unreliable. The world's worst service top, she is utterly no good at erotic role play.

Put my wife in charge, however, and she just takes charge and suits herself. This gives us an all or nothing Femdom dynamic that suits me fine.

The snag is, she doesn't introspect about the Femdom, which means it's hard to nail down what her tastes actually are.

Nor does she spend time thinking about enhancements. They still come from me, making the whole thing a bit of a guessing game. Some ideas she takes up with an evil grin. Others she dismisses with a grumpy wrinkle of her nose: Why aren't you telepathic Giles?

Part of the problem is that her mind leaps to practicalities, and some ideas get rejected before I've had a chance to make them work, or establish that I'm actually in the right ballpark.

So I'm ask asking some explicitly hypothetical questions: ones grounded in reality, but lubricated by fantasy.

"Oh go on then," she says.

"First one," I say. "Suppose I lost both keys to my device. Worse, in a fit of enthusiasm I'd previously decluttered all my spares. It would take about a month for a replacement to come."

"I don't understand, " she says, yawning.

"I'd be stuck," I say. "I'd have to destroy the device to get out of it, but the new one wouldn't arrive for a month or so."

"Oh," she says, an evil glint in her eyes. "You'd have to wear it until the replacement arrived."

"Would I be allowed to pullout and come."

"Of course not," she says as if I'm an idiot.

As  I said, she's very literal. As far as she's concerned a chastity device should be a chastity device and treated as such. She once accidentally pressed the wrong counter, giving me a penalty day instead of a demerit. She simply shrugged and picked up the other counter and clicked that one as well. There was no hint of rewinding.

"OK," I say. "Suppose Lady Fox had nothing she wanted me to review, so I had to buy the new device. Say it was about $200. Bear in mind that any practical device comes in at about that."

"You'd have to earn the money first," she says. "Over and above your monthly targets, of course," she adds cheerfully.

I wince. My erotic fiction and contracting together bring in a variable income. My target is reasonable, but I don't always make it. "I could be stuck for a couple of months."

"Tough."

"Next," I say. "Suppose this happens but we're abroad for your work? We're either travelling around, or else deliveries are not practical or secure. We won't be home for three months."

"Then you'd wear it until then," she says.

"What about six months?"

She frowns. "Then I'd make you come up with a solution."

Yes, a sharp but literal mind. The hypothetical just breaks down when she thinks about it too much! (There are few problems she can't solve or motivate other people to solve, which is why she is so senior professionally.)

However, it's interesting that this doesn't happen until the 6 month mark. Also, at no point does she bring up getting a cheap Amazon device for bedroom wear only. Given an all or nothing choice, she'd rather have me locked 24/7.  Finally, as long as the situation isn't actually her fault, she seems gleefully happy to enforce it for months on end.

All this suggests that daytime lockup really is part of the deal for her. She's not humouring me, even if she hasn't thought through the significance.

"Finally, a different tack," I say. "What if you had a vibrator that was hooked up to an electric shocker."

"I don't get it. Why would I want that?"

I back track. "You can get remote control shockers. Imagine that you using your vibrator triggered electric shocks for me. Would you use that?"

"Hmmm. Perhaps."

"What if... what if instead the vibrator was connected to the time lock on the safe. Say every minute of use cost me an hour of lockup?"

"Oh," says my wife. "That would be interesting."


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)