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Sunday, 15 January 2017

Monday, 9 January 2017

What do crap male subs do wrong? #4 Fantasy Blinkers, #5 Stealth Mode. Any more?

I've been trying to nail down crap male sub behaviours (rather than the underlying motivations behind them). I've now got a name for my 4th category:

  • Fantasy Blinkers: Wrong-headed behaviour in which the sub is overly certain "this is how Femdom works". It covers everything from inappropriate use of protocol, e.g. addressing a new acquaintance as Goddess, through to sending unsolicited dick pics. The behaviour usually conveys a sense of a knowing wink and self-entitlement: I know the Secret Femdominate Handshake.

However I now have a 5th category suggested by what Marcia B calls Desire Smuggling: essentially all the dishonesty, duplicity, disingenuousness, self-victimisation and hidden agenda-ism displayed by subs who can't or won't ask for what they want.

I'm going to use my own term, associated with an existing strategy known as "stealth submission":

  • Stealth Mode:  Getting submissive kicks through deception while failing to own one's own sexuality. (Of this, more later.)

So, so far we have:

  1. Flip-Flopping
  2. Self-Negging
  3. Do-Me-ing
  4. Fantasy Blinkers
  5. Stealth Mode

Have I missed anything?

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Friday, 16 December 2016

Help me Kinky Internet! What do crap male subs do wrong?

Probably a bit of Do-Me going on here.
Yes, I've given in. I'm working on a new book provisionally titled, "How to be a male sub without being a loser or an ass." The first step is to nail down the main categories of male sub behaviour that are both self defeating and annoying.

Note, I'm looking at behaviours here, things subs do (or don't do!). What's behind them is mostly either heresies (wrong ideas about BDSM, women or humans in general), or issues (low self-esteem, muddled fantasy life etc). I'll get to these later  - though please do help by sharing your insights in the comments...

Three obvious crap male sub behaviours - please tell me what you think

This sub has over-committed
and is likely to Flip-Flop
So far, I think three general terms capture most male sub crapness:

  • Flip-Flopping, the pattern of enthusiastic commitment that turns out to be over-commitment. This covers everything from "submissive until orgasm" through on/off relationships, to abortive internet courtships.
  • Self-Negging, meaning activities in which subs put themselves down or take a position of generic rather than fetishised inferiority.  Classic examples include approaches along the lines of "I'm an overweight small-penised slob who needs a Goddess to sort me out" through to just feeling like a loser because of your kink.
  • Do-Me-ing, which describes a general focus on what the sub wants, rather than on the dynamic or reciprocity. Making first contact with a list of very specific "needs" falls under this, as does going into a scene or session with overly restrictive limits, or using a safeword as a skip track button, all with the intent of channelling the domme through particular activities. Do-Me can be innocent due to simply not thinking, but can also segue into duplicitous scheming, e.g. deliberately planning to end a session once you've had your kicks and before you reciprocate.

Help me name the fourth category! 

The Magical Secret World of Femdom....
I'm missing one category - a catchall for wrong-headed behaviour in which the sub is overly certain this is how mutually satisfactory Femdom works.

This covers everything from sending unsolicited dick pics and worse, through presuming a dynamic out of the box (e.g. using protocol terms with a new acquaintance in inappropriate circumstances), to weird expectations of a domme (e.g. that she telepathically divine your needs, or automatically regards pegging you as you serving her). 

I am pretty certain it really is a family of behaviour because a sub who, say, sends unsolicited dick pics is quite likely to call a dominant woman "mistress" on first meeting her, and offer to serve her by sniffing her panties or licking her boots.

The behaviour is different from Do-Me-ing because, though the sub may come across as creepy or presumptuous, he's really an innocent abroad - a comedy tourist, somewhere between Twoflower and Borat, or Inspector Clouseau undercover. 

The sub is so very certain he's mastered the phrase book and knows the secret handshake. All he has to do is send you a picture of himself in panties and you will induct him into the Magical Secret World of Femdom....

What should I call this? Or does the behaviour really fit into the other three categories? (Or is it really two categories?)

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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Thursday, 1 December 2016

Characteristics of a Submissive Thrall

Thralls want to serve, 
as in really serve
(If you've just tuned in, then "thrall" is my term for a submissive who submits for real. You are still a "real" sub or a dom if you don't thrall. I just think it's time we identified this flavor and gave it a signal boost.)

Things like this article from my friend Ava Ex Machina got me thinking:
So oral worship huh? That’s your primary thing?” he asks.
“One of many things. Even vanilla women tend to like oral sex.”
“I don’t, at least not giving anyway. I don’t eat pussy. I’m old enough now that I know I just don’t like it, never have. Don’t do it.”
“I understand if that’s not your thing, but it’s a deal-breaker for me. I’m not really into play that’s only about pleasuring the submissive.” (He had just finished telling me in extensive paragraphs all about his desire to be pegged.)
“A deal breaker? That’s fucking ridiculous.”
And then the... gentleman outed and harassed her by proxy at work. And she reflects:
...entitlement to my body, my sexuality, my space still exists, a function of how men see women: consumables, objects available for their sexual consumption.

We are defined by our submission,
not your dominance

Submissive Thralls wouldn't do this! It's not that we are good people or think we are the "nice ones" -- #notallmalesubs -- it's just that we wouldn't want to. 

When we submit, we want to actually submit. Yes we have our hard limits, but they are of the "Danger Will Robinson" type, not "Me no like can we skip to my blowjob" kind.

So much for what we're not. Here's some of what I think we are.

1. We are defined by our submission, not your dominance. Yes, you may or may not "dominate" us or have a "dominant personality". 

Regardless, we want to submit to your authority as if it were Ancient Rome and you owned us. When you say come here, we come here. Our limits serve as safety barriers, not guide-ways.

2.  We like doing things we don't enjoy. Partly this is masochism. Mostly, it's proof of our subordination. That means that if we don't enjoy giving head, we'll still gain some satisfaction from doing it. Moreover, if we're doing it because you just want an orgasm that way, then we really don't want you to second-guess our experience. The same goes for leaving us kneeling in the corner, or having us spring clean an entire apartment. Or whatever.

We're more interested in your wishes than our fantasies
3. We want to serve, as in really serve. I don't mean serve by licking boots or wearing panties or weathering a beating. I mean serve as in doing things that would make sense to a vanilla observer. 

Yes of course you can play with us if you want, but we also want you to have us give you a foot rub, cook you dinner, clean up, not because it's a fetish but because we are your submissive.

4. We're more interested in your wishes than our fantasies. This is partly participant voyeurism. The pleasures you seek when you have "permission" to be selfish are far more intriguing than anything we might imagine. However, it's primarily about experiencing actual submission rather than fantasies resonating with submission.

5. We like it when you don't focus on us. You can if you want -- if you enjoy torturing and teasing and BDSM for effect. However, you don't have to. You can, in fact, just kick back and enjoy being in charge. What's in it for us? Again, submission and voyeurism.

6. We still want to submit after we've come. If we get to come, we still feel submissive after ward. We'll bring you a nightcap, tuck you up in bed, and -- if that's what you want -- crawl off to our cell, and do all this long after the afterglow has faded. In the morning, we'll bring you breakfast in bed, even though we're too groggy to feel horny, and it's a work day anyway.

In short, when we're your thrall, we're as low maintenance and consistently obedient as if you owned us.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
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Tuesday, 29 November 2016

Paradox of Domination and Submission Resolved: Power Exchange and Spheres

The dom may also
sadistically "mistreat"
the sub. And yet
the masochistic sub
consents and "likes" it.
Our kink is riddled with paradoxes!

Doms aren't evil. Subs aren't losers. And yet out erotic focus is on the experience of victimising and victimisation, exploiting and exploitation.

Doms often want to make their subs happy (e.g. because relationship). Subs stick around because they are happy. And yet the tone of our kink is often coercive and extends into the callous.

Doms aren't all powerful. Subs have rights and stand up for them. And yet the dynamics we crave  revolve around an empowered dom and a disempowered sub.

The dom may also sadistically "mistreat" the sub. And yet the masochistic sub consents and "likes" it.

We're left with the conundrum:

How can any of this be real? 
And if it is real, how can it be OK?

This is so confusing to the tidy mind that it generates trite non-useful statements like "the sub has all the power" and simulationist approaches that blunt the underlying dark urges.

The confusion around motivations dissolves when we consider that there's no authentic "I".
people on a roller-coaster scream
in genuine fear... then buy
another ticket.

Rather - as modern science tells us - we are a mess of subsystems working in parallel. That's why people on a roller-coaster scream in genuine fear... then buy another ticket.

The confusion around ethics and authenticity similarly dissolves when we compare our activities to sporting ones. For example, two boxers consent to be in the ring, are governed by rules, and yet authentically fight.

These apparent paradoxes are actually built by comparing things from different spheres!

Fearing and enjoying can coexist as brain chemicals without contradiction. Rules constrain freedom of action but do not prevent it.

Thus, as soon as you are strict about what applies to which sphere - my catchall for headspace, framework, and system - BDSM relationships start making sense.

The outer framework spheres are what give people permission to indulge in D/s:

  • Consent Sphere: Both parties consent to a scope, otherwise the relationship would not be possible.
  • Moral Sphere: BDSM is OK because (if!) both parties consent within sensible limits. The dom is therefore not evil. Nor is the sub a victim.
  • Relationship Sphere: The dom understands that the sub craves BDSM and is therefore making them happy on some existential level. The sub wants to be there, despite the considerable bravery sometimes required, and is therefore not an exploited loser.
The inner experience spheres are what satisfy our orientation and they are dark places.
  • Physical Sphere: The physical activities and sensations are real. Therefore any sadism, victimisation, and exploitation is experienced as physically real, as is any coercion.
  • Power Sphere: The dom commands and the sub obeys (within the scope covered by the consent). It follows that the power exchange is at least as real and authentic as the action in a boxing match.

D/s couples actually experiencing D/s
quickly forget that it's not real. 
Just as boxers lose track of the framework beyond the ring and forget that it's "just a game", D/s couples actually experiencing D/s quickly forget that it's not real.

We become accustomed to the power dynamic to the extent that disobedience starts to become unthinkable, even though the dynamic only exists because of the consensual, moral and relationship framework.

This is no different from the way that people in conventional marriages forget that they don't have to be faithful or work together.

Therefore D/s relationships are at least as functionally real as traditional marriages.

Conversely, I think people in a room considering BDSM shy from the darkness and treat the framework as an end in itself, rather than as a means to support the experience of domination and submission.

Perhaps this explains both "do me" subs who spend more time on the internet than on their knees, and also what I think of as "consent and aftercare fetishists" who seem to take two important concepts too far and put them in centre stage.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
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Monday, 28 November 2016

Towards a Submissive Thrall Manifesto

The action will be for the
dominant's benefit.
My name is Giles English and I'm a "submissive thrall".

OK. I made up that last term... or almost. Merriam Webster defines a thrall as:

a : a servant slave : bondman; also : serfb : a person in moral or mental servitude
a : a state of servitude or submission <in thrall to his emotions>b : a state of complete absorption <mountains could hold me in thrall with a subtle attraction of their own — Elyne Mitchell>
So, essentially thrall is another - more poetic - word for "slave" but with romantic overtones - e.g. "I am enthralled by my mistress" - and no specific BDSM expectations.

I propose...
a submissive thrall 
is a sexual submissive who, 
when they (consensually) submit, 
actually submits to their 
dominant for real.

A thrall, when submitting, can be anything from an affectionate subordinate lover through to a mute protocol-bound slave. The scope of a thrall's submission can range from occasional bedroom only, all the way to 24/7/365.

None of that matters.

What defines a thrall is that, when we submit, the power exchange is effectively real within permissive limits. Specifically:
  • A thrall's hard limits (a) are permissive enough to grant satisfactory freedom of action to the dominant, and (b) identify only those lines which would be dangerous to cross.
  • A thrall offers their kinks and fantasies to the dominant as optional tools to be exploited for the dominant's pleasure by way of reward and incentive. (Or as an a la carte menu for inexperienced dominants.)
  • A thrall's safeword is for mental and physical safety, only. There will be no attempt to direct the action.
It follows that a thrall accepts:
  • They may sometimes be bored, frustrated or uncomfortable.
  • The action will be primarily for the dominant's benefit, even when they give pleasure.
  • Any issues will be handled within the context of the power exchange.
  • Punishment will be real punishment.
  • Nobody will step out of role, because nobody is in role.
Nobody will step out of role,
because nobody is in role.
We need a specific term for this because "submissive" is now used very loosely to cover anybody who submits erotically in anyway to anybody doing anything.

Somebody who submits within a very tight scope - highly scripted scenes or ones with lots of affirmative consent - can identify as a submissive, as can somebody who hires pro-dominants in order to  explore their fantasies.

All these people are "real" submissives. (And their dominants are "real" dominants.)

However, this means we don't have a word for a submissive who craves a D/s relationship in which the power exchange feels real, even if it is limited in scope and time. ("Slave" won't do because it can mean a specific level of lifestyle submission and/or particular protocol and has some unfortunate associations for some cultures.)

All this makes it hard for "thralls" to identify themselves to themselves and to potential partners, and doubly hard for dominants to make clear what they are looking for.

Hence my term, submissive thrall.

And no, I have no idea what the dominant counterpart would be called.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Friday, 18 November 2016

Kinky Dating in the Vanilla World: How to find a Femdom relationship on OK Cupid

I'm not dating - thank God! However, there are an awful lot of male subs looking for partners, so when Fetlife user alwaysthere posted about dating in the vanilla world (source), I interviewed him and got his permission to share on my blog:
HIM: I suggest a two pronged approach:

1. Join your local BDSM community. Go to munches and make friends. Go to workshops and learn everything you can about how to do BDSM safely. Volunteer to help at parties, and be a good member of the community. There is a good chance you will find someone to play with which will give you valuable experience for when you do meet the right person. And you just might find someone who is also looking for more than just play.

2. Use online dating sites to meet new people in the vanilla world. I've had the best success with OKCupid. Let your profile hint that you are possibly kinky, but don't come right out and say it on the site, or you may scare off potential mates before you even meet.
You want to have as many first dates as possible. I actually made two different profiles on OKC that highlighted different aspects of who I am but were both 100% factual. If I found a person that I thought was a good match I'd email from one account and if I didn't get a reply in a week I'd email from the other one. It doubled my chances of meeting people.
On each first date, if conversation is going well and you think there might be potential, just come right out and say that you are into BDSM as a bottom or submissive. Be prepared to explain more about what this means.
If she's interested in you and receptive to the idea than you just got yourself a second date and sex is nearly a sure thing. If she reacts poorly to the idea of BDSM than you haven't lost anything more than an evening and the cost of a dinner.
She barely knows you at this point so there's no chance of her outing you to your friends that she hasn't even met yet. If someone you meet isn't interested in BDSM than you don't want to waste any time dating her any way. Move on to the next as quickly as possible.
I did exactly this strategy a number of years ago, and now I'm married to an awesome FemDom. We met on OKC and my coming out to her as kinky intrigued her. After a few dates, some great sex and a little bit of really basic BDSM I took her to her first ever Munch. Soon we were both regulars at workshops and parties and she became an accomplished rope rigger.
ME: Actually, would you mind sharing some specifics about how you hinted at kink in your profiles? I'd love to quote you on my blog, and perhaps in a book I'm planning.
HIM: OKCupid was the easiest to set up, because it has badges you can earn for answering questions, and one of them is "More Kinky". Lots of people have this badge who aren't outright into BDSM but it certainly indicates a predisposition to being open to BDSM. In general, take the time to answer enough questions to rack up at least a half dozen badges. It helps with matching.
There are also many creative ways you can phrase things in your profile that hint to your kinkiness but don't outright give it way. Let them read between the lines when you mention that you believe in non-traditional gender roles, or maybe you talk about how you are always looking to try new things.
Honestly, since dating profiles are more or less anonymous, you can put more obvious stuff on there. You just might have success with a profile that comes right out and says you like kinky sex. You don't have to get into all the details about what turns you on, but bring honest on your profile is more likely to get positive attention than one with the same old generic answers. Re-write your profile once every month or two and keep track of how many responses you get with each revision.
When you find a match you want to meet, write them a note that specifically mentions several things you like about their profile. When sending a message to a new match I usually would write one paragraph about how we are similar, paste a second paragraph that was the same for every match, and then close the message with one last reference to their profile and asks for a date. At one point I was doing one or two first dates almost every week.
ME: Did kink come up in your first dates?
HIM: I would bring up the subject any time it felt that we were doing well on the first date, which was probably 60 to 70 percent. After a short time I got practiced at it which made it easier. At least 75 percent of the time when I bright up the subject I got a positive response. This who responded positively were 90% likely to have a second date and I had sex with about half, maybe more.
ME: Did you ever get false matches? E.g. kinky but wrong preference?
HIM: I did once and we ended up playing just for fun. She was a submissive and we alternated tying each other up. We never had sex during the play, nor did we start a relationship. We are still friends and run into each other at munches once or twice a year.
ME: Did you get targeted by pros fishing for clients?
HIM: Only through fetlife, not through vanilla dating sites. The messages seemed off for some reason, so my guard was up but I kept replying until she asked for a gift as a tribute. So I challenged her to meet me in person and I would bring a gift. Never heard back again.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)