Become Her Slave!

My once-vanilla wife now loves keeping me as her chaste slave. Learn how to get some Femdom in your life too!

Tuesday, 30 September 2014

My wife's weekday masturbation while I kneel in chastity

"I was going to send you out of the room for
a while."... 
her code for having a quiet
masturbation session.

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
As I emerge from the shower, I hear Xena enter the bedroom. I wrap the towel decently around my un-caged loins and stick my head out of the en suite doorway. "Hi."

My wife smiles at me. "Hello honey."

"Our FLR contract got something like 4,000 hits," I say. "Looks like it generated some sales."

"That's good", says Xena pulling on her pajamas. "As long as it helps to buy me the clothes I want."

"I do my best," I say. (Yes -- for those who've just tuned in -- as with most author's websites, the book sales subsidize the blogging. Mostly this just pays for sex toys like the nice vibrators I bought. Sometimes it's just enough to keep us out of the red.)

"So," I say. "Technical question about our contract."

Xena's face clouds. She doesn't usually enjoy discussions like this unless she's in the mood. At the moment we're in something of a dry spell, so that mood is not often.

"I missed my orgasm today," I say. I was just too busy running errands. "Does it carry over to tomorrow?"
she selects the small multi-speed
vibrator...
Find out how to get some of this in your life!

"Oh." Xena thinks for a moment. "Since you were doing jobs, yes."

"Thanks," I say.

"Which reminds me," says Xena. "I was going to send you out of the room for a while."

My penis starts to harden. This is her code for having a quiet masturbation session. "Let me kneel in the corner," I plead. "Go on. It'll cost me two days."

"Go on then," says Xena.

"Let me get into my device..." I'm already half erect. However, as the Holy Trainer base ring goes on, my well-trained cock admits defeat and I install the tube.

Minutes later I'm kneeling in the corner, hard inside my chastity device. I'm already so turned on that all I can think about is masturbating. However -- deliciously -- what Xena's about to do make it longer until I can do that.

As always for her weekday quickies, there's nothing to see, just Xena clicking at her kindle, one hand beneath the covers.

Then she sighs. "Oh, bring me the vibrators."

...thanks to a previous adventure -- it's very easy to
visualize what's happening.

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
She selects the small multi-speed vibrator and I have to kneel in the corner listening to its buzzing. And -- thanks to a previous adventure -- it's very easy to visualize what's happening.

The worst of it is that I've been using this one to get off without removing my Holy Trainer, first as an experiment, then because I was semi-permanently trapped in a glued-up chastity device. Now, as the thing buzzes and whines, my cock quivers hopefully as if hoping for an orgasm too.

Xena produces the vibrator from under the covers. "Clean this."

My cock lurches and squirms, but now of course -- thanks to our FLR contract -- my orgasm has is now been put back by two days... and that's assuming Xena doesn't develop a midweek masturbation habit.

A few minutes later I'm lying next to her in the dark, hopelessly hard and -- in the way of we submissives -- both wonderfully content and desperately frustrated.


Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Monday, 29 September 2014

Our Female Led Relationship Contract

I didn't honestly expect Xena to want one of these. However when I suggested it, she told me to go ahead and write one. I stuck to describing what we already had. She read it last night and approved it - of that, more later - so here it is...

Giles and Xena's Female Led Relationship Contract

Our Female Led Relationship Contract
Find out how to get some of this in your life!
This document sets out the terms of our Female Led Relationship (FLR).

This comprises:

  • The Core FLR which is indivisible and all or nothing when in effect.
  • Standing Orders, which Xena may change on whim, as long as they don’t affect the core FLR.

The Female Led Relationship remains in effect between pre-specified milestones. (The next milestone as of September 2014 is New Year’s Day 2015.) Except in exceptional circumstances, neither of us will revisit the decision between milestones. However, we may suspend elements of the arrangement for practical and privacy reasons, such as visits with friends or relatives.

On reaching a milestone, Xena will alone decide whether the FLR will continue, though Giles may make his views known.

The FLR is a secret. Giles may only discus it with those friends who already know about his blog, unless otherwise instructed by Xena.

Core Female Led Relationship

This describes the core FLR which is indivisible and all or nothing when in effect.
We both recognize that Xena is at present the
dominant partner in the relationship and that
both of us are happy with this arrangement.

Find out how to get some of this in your life!

We both recognize that Xena is at present the dominant partner in the relationship and that both of us are happy with this arrangement.

Xena has formal control over all matters domestic and intimate with powers of discipline and reward. In addition, when he has measurable professional (e.g. word count) or personal objectives (weight loss), Giles will report these and negotiate targets and penalties.

We will both treat the core FLR as real and normal, accepting any inconveniences as inevitable.

Power and Responsibility

Xena has specific permission to arrange things to suit herself, with no obligation to be fair or realistic. Giles will obey to the best of his ability. In return, Xena will take ownership of the FLR and avoid any implication that she is humoring him.

Giles will use his initiative and provide help and advice as appropriate. Xena will make her wishes known clearly and explicitly. Giles will avoid over-sharing with Xena, but may blog about his adventures.

Domestic Matters

Giles will housekeep to as high a standard as possible, consistent with professional commitments. In particular, he will finish those jobs he starts, maintain the bathrooms to a visitor-ready standard and keep the refrigerator etc stocked.

Intimate Matters

The chastity device never comes off during erotic and
sensual couple activity.

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
Giles may not initiate erotic intimacy neither directly or by implication but may remind Xena to set aside intimate time.

Xena has control over Giles’s orgasms but will not normally be present when they happen. He must wear a chastity device when on his own and at night. The chastity device never comes off during erotic and sensual couple activity.

By default, Giles may masturbate every Monday on his own, during the day. However, each of Xena’s weekend orgasms puts back his next orgasm day as follows:
  • She masturbates while he kneels in the corner – 1 day
  • She masturbates while he watches with a clear view – 2 days
  • He helps to bring her to orgasm – 3 days
  • He brings her to orgasm using a strap-on dildo – 4 days.
Xena’s orgasms Monday through Friday cost double. Giles may not masturbate during the weekend. Should Xena wish, she may offer Giles an orgasm in whatever manner and with whatever tariff she chooses. Should Giles ejaculate spontaneously, the tariff is at least 7 days and 20 demerits.

Giles is responsible for maintenance of all sex toys. If the chastity device breaks, he must wear the backup one continuously where practical, minimizing removals so as to avoid wearing it out.


Discipline, Punishment and Rewards

Xena may discipline Giles as she sees fit
as long as punishment is in the spirit of
the mistress-slave relationship.

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
Xena may discipline Giles as she sees fit as long as punishment is in the spirit of the mistress-slave relationship.

Xena may assign one or more demerits for any reason. At her convenience, she will punish Giles with at least one stroke of a whip per demerit. The whipping will hurt and be a genuine deterrent. Giles will usually be restrained for this.

We will both treat the discipline system as real. Xena will administer whippings as regularly as practical. Giles may remind her.

Xena may also grant Slave Points. These do not cancel out demerits. However, Giles may petition to trade these for perks, for example Xena wearing stockings during punishment.

Demeanour and Bedtime Ritual

Giles accepts that he will often be
bored and frustrated. 

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
Xena may behave as she likes. However, she will normally give explicit instructions and hand out demerits whenever Giles irritates her or makes her cross.

Giles will range from normal but compliant husband through to semi-mute slave. In slave mode, Giles will refer to Xena as “mistress”.

He will try to anticipate Xena’s mood, however she will also tell him what she wants. Giles will not make his stupid-lust-struck look.

At bedtime, Giles will be clean, clean-shaven and ready for bed. He will kneel patiently in the corner until Xena orders him otherwise, returning there between tasks. If Xena falls asleep while Giles is kneeling, he may change position but must otherwise remain in the corner.

Attitude and Expectation

Giles accepts that he will often be bored and frustrated. In return, Xena agrees to not reference that this is what he signed up for, and to avoid making him feel foolish or dirty except for erotic effect.

Giles notes that Xena is not selfish by nature. She in turn notes that to submit this fully requires strength of character.
Giles notes that Xena is not selfish by nature. She in turn notes
that to submit this fully requires strength of character.

Find out how to get some of this in your life!

Appendix: Current Standing Orders

This sets out standing orders, which Xena may change on whim, as long as they don’t affect the core FLR. The following are in effect:

  • Giles must close cupboard doors.
  • Giles must weigh himself every weekday morning and record the result.
  • When drafting erotica, Giles must manage four thousand words a day.
  • Giles must not be bad tempered. 


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

Thursday, 25 September 2014

Wearing a chastity device 24/7 (and Xena talks about how she likes to whip me)

...a rare sleepy intimate chat about Femdom.
Find out how to get some of this in your life!
The other night I we have a rare sleepy intimate chat about Femdom. I remind Xena of this conversation:
"I feel I have to ask your permission not to belt up."
It is not always easy to settle down to sleep in a chastity device
when you're sharing the bed with a beautiful woman you love.
"Too right," says Xena.
"So," I continue, risking pushing a little. "I've been wearing the Holy Trainer most nights, but what are the rules?"
"Where it whenever it's needed," says my wife.
I chuckle. "You need to be more specific than that."
"At night," says Xena. "Otherwise you might masturbate - which is how this all started."
"What? Oh." This is news to me. "And during the day when on my own?"
"Yes," says Xena.
"OK," I say, 
"See," I say into her back.  "You do forget things."

Her laughter comes through the dark of our bedroom. "Well sometimes I get ideas on the spur of the moment and don't always remember later."

"That's fine," I say. "But that's how I've been living since then, and when you said you didn't care about the day, you made me feel like a middle-aged pervert."

She likes beating me, but only when it
makes some kind of sense.

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
Amusement bubbles through her voice. "But you are a middle-aged pervert. But OK. Sorry. That is what I wanted."

"Are we still talking sexy things?" I ask.

"Go on..."

"Well I wondered..."

Xena finds this funny. I'm much less forthright these days, I guess. "Go on, spit it out!"

"Well, you know how you like beating me...?"

"Yes...?"

I squirm. Her casual admission turns me on horribly.

"Would you ever like to just beat me? I mean no demerits. Just..."

"No. That would be weird. Though sometimes if I feel like it I do add extra."

We chat around it. She likes beating me, but only when it makes some kind of sense. It has to be punishment, not just for the hell of it -- confirmation that the demerit counter was a very good idea.
It's odd wearing a chastity device
24/7 through all the ins
 and outs of normal life.

Find out how to get some of this in your life!

Moments later, she's asleep and I'm lying there in the dark, hard inside my chastity device.

It's odd wearing a chastity device 24/7 through all the ins and outs of normal life.

It's certainly not erotic. I mean most of the time I don't notice the Holy Trainer 2 is there. When I do notice it, it's frankly comforting. So much so that when I had to escape to for my midweek swim I actually felt a mounting sense of panic.

Slave Giles only existed in the
bedroom...

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
Possibly I was nervous of breaking the £100 sex toy -- remember I have to warm the ring to bend it back, and that's only going to work a few times. However that sense of nervousness has blended with the psychological barrier against pull-out. Some of this is bound up in Xena clearly wanting me chaste, even though she doesn't always "own" that thought. The longer I spend locked up, the harder it is to contemplate removing the chastity device.

What it is most certainly is a blurring of identities.

Once upon a time, there was a Slave Giles and a Regular Giles.

Slave Giles only existed in the bedroom, then around the house for sexy weekends, then in the house all the time and if we went off together. Slave Giles listened to different kinds of music, didn't read the kind of manly thrillers Regular Giles like, didn't do man stuff in general except home improvement...

Now it turns out that they are the same person. I'm typing this listening to Guns 'n Roses. In a little while I'll go shopping. I might meet a friend for coffee... and I'm still the same person. Some processing to do, I think.


Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

FAQ: What's my perfect chastity scenario?

When I'm locked in, I don't have much desire to get out.
I also really enjoy the plateau phase created by hopeless lust.

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
An anonymous poster wanted to know:

Can I ask out of interest, what the perfect or near perfect scenario would be for you re chastity? Still to be a 24/7 wearer, taken out, teased, denied and placed back on? obviously with Xena taking control of when you take it off? I have little knowledge of men +/- chastity within a F/m relationship. Basically intrigued.

What you describe would be bang on for a good proportion of men who are into chastity.

I'm a bit different. When I'm locked in, I don't have much desire to get out. I also really enjoy the plateau phase created by hopeless lust. So for me, being locked up is almost an orientation.

I read somewhere somebody calling their husband a "male lesbian", however given the orgasmic power women can unleash, I don't think that term applies to me!

So -- disregarding the pull of the normal and practicalities -- the perfect scenario is me indefinitely locked up, servicing Xena erotically and sometimes being the target of wicked teasing and denial. My fantasies certainly all revolve around permanent chastity.

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Sunday, 21 September 2014

72 hours of normal life in a Holy Trainer 2 (plus revealing conversation with Xena)

 ...not looking up from her book.  My seemingly
normal wife is utterly relaxed about the prospect
of me being sealed into a chastity device 24/7.

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
When I first put on the Holy Trainer 2, my response was:
"Omigod I never want to take this thing off!"
Careful what you wish for!

For those who've just tuned in, after a third broken Holy Trainer 2, I used the device's flexibility when hot to squeeze into a expoxied-up version of the device. I am therefore technically in permanent chastity.

At the moment the permanent is not really an erotic thing. It's just that I can't replace the device if it breaks. I'd rather wear 24/7 than have to wear the Chinese chastity cage every night.

We don't go in for this communication-communication thing, but I realized we needed to have a proper conversation about the situation, otherwise I might drift outside Xena's comfort zone without realizing it. Also, I wasn't going to take this step without Xena taking some ownership of it.

On Friday night, as I did her feet, I asked if we could talk. It was a short and slightly awkward discussion:

"Getting in and out is a major effort," I say. "And it's bound to wear out."

"The implication being..?" she says, not looking up from her book. My seemingly normal wife is utterly relaxed about the prospect of me being sealed into a chastity device 24/7.

"I probably need to stay in it most of the time."

"And?" she says.

"But when we do erotic things, you like it that I can't 
just get off in the morning?"
"Yes,"she says matter-of-factly. "That adds to it."
Find out how to get some of this in your life! 
"We need to have a talk about it," I say.

"Go on..."

"Morally, I think it's like having a piercing. It's always there but not always relevant," I say. "It's not as if I'm walking around turned on all the time."

"Is there any chance of getting found out?" she asks.

"No," I say, and feel confident about it. It really isn't visible under jeans. If anybody bangs into it, I have a tobacco tin I use for change in my pocket.

"Fine then," she says.

"You're making me feel like you're just indulging me," I persist. "Do you want me to do this?"

"I don't care what happens in the daytime," she says.

"You just want me chaste at night?"

"Yes." She looks back at her e-reader.

I'm not letting her get away with this. "But when we do erotic things, you like it that I can't just get off in the morning?"

"Yes," she says matter-of-factly. "That adds to it."

"And you wouldn't want me masturbating each day?" I ask.

I'm just lucky that our FLR continues with
 its kneeling protocol and demerit system,
and gloriously frustrating foot rubs

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
"No!"

"Well I can't stay chaste without the device," I say. "And if I keep removing it, it will break. So in effect you want me to stay locked in."

"Yes. I suppose so."

And that's the discussion -- not exactly how I'd fantasize about being consigned to permanent chastity! But, it's a busy time for both of us and - frankly - a dry spell. I'm just lucky that our FLR continues with its kneeling protocol and demerit system, and gloriously frustrating foot rubs (I'm still 300% better off erotically than if we were still vanilla. Think about it - I get at least some Femdom each and every night, and always wake up in chastity).

So though I'm 72 ours into wearing  24 hours a day, it's not exactly a wildly erotic time. (Sorry if you're reading for a fap.)

Instead I've done normal things. Trained for my sport. Hung out with friends. Put up a new fence in the garden. All with the Holy Trainer 2 secretly glued shut around my genitals.

The effect is... pretty much nothing at all. I've hardly known it's there.

Observations so far:

  • It really is invisible under street clothes.
  • Don't wear tight jeans if you're bending a lot -- jeans crush the thing into you, which isn't comfortable though doesn't seem to cause any damage.
  • Carry at least two Q-tips in different pockets for head-aligning. I lost one when I took out a pocket handkerchief!
  • Striding down the street, the tip of my cock clicks against the inside of the tube.
  • For added confidence, have some pre-prepared excuses just in case you're caught being kinky: something in your jeans pocket to provide an alibi if bumped; plus some handy phrases such as, "Medical device - I don't want to talk about it," and "This helps me with my anxiety."
It's awesome, but it's also sad. What a pity the Holy Trainer 2 has such a basic design flaw. Roll on the Holy Trainer 3!

UPDATE: All my demerits arrived at one go last night - 52 strokes of various whips! So much for a dry spell :)


Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Friday, 19 September 2014

What to do with a broken Holy Trainer? Turn it into a (semi) permanent chastity device...

The HT2 is an awesome device to
wear, but it has two design flaws
UPDATE: Just received an email with a tracking number. They've actually sent me a replacement!

After roughly a month and a half my Holy Trainer chastity device broke... AGAIN.

This is the third time, and though their customer services were great the first two times, they are now ignoring me.

I imagine that either they think I'm doing something stupid with the device, or else, being a small operation, they are in a state of panic. I'm not the only person this has happened to. (I will say that when they bring out the Holy Trainer 3, I shall probably buy it.)

The HT2 is an awesome device to wear, but it has two design flaws:

most chastity-oriented men
would count themselves
lucky to wear their device
for 60 nights 
in a year!
First, that stupid locking post which is far far too weak and weedy for the constant pressure it's under. I've had the same fault on three devices. No coincidence!

Second, the bioresin, whatever that is. It really does soften as it warms up, but this is a useless feature. The device's design is already comfortable. All the softening does is cause a risk of tearing -- another fault reported by some users.

The fact the Internet isn't full of Holy Trainer sob stories simply suggests to me that most of these devices aren't actually worn that often. Mine broke after -- what? -- 60 nights.

I suspect that most chastity-oriented men would count themselves lucky to wear their device for 60 nights in a year! (If it broke after that, and the company sent them a replacement, then that gives the thing a lifetime of at least 2 years - a pretty good deal, actually. And I wonder whether the bioresin recovers from stress if you let it rest.)

I used Araldite Rapid
But I do wear my device almost every night, our Femdom doesn't really work without it, and I can't afford a new one: What I am supposed to do with my broken chastity device?

Actually, out of desperation, I've already done it. Last time I had a breakage, I got the spare slightly larger ring and glued it to the tube.

I can't show you a picture because I'm wearing the thing right now, and I've discovered I'm not comfortable with putting up any kind of cock shot.

I'm not saying this is a good idea, I suspect that eventually the device will break permanently, and if you went for a tighter base ring, this might not work, but...

This is how to turn your broken Holy Trainer 2 into a semi-permanent or long term chastity device


  1. Remove broken device from genitals(!), get some privacy for a few hours and the use of a work surface.
  2. Purchase some powerful two-part epoxy resin glue. I used Araldite Rapid.
  3. Clean the hell out of the surfaces to glue.
    This means using detergent and then perhaps white spirit.
  4. Roughen the surfaces to glue.
    I scored them with a craft knife (be careful!) and a small wire brush. You could also use rough sandpaper.
  5. Apply the glue as per instructions on the packet.
    You might want to also glue back the broken bit of the peg.
  6. Peg or clamp the parts together, but not too firmly otherwise you'll squeeze out all the glue!
  7. Leave the device for at least twice the time recommended on the pack. 
  8. Once set, check the bond then thoroughly wash the device.
  9. If the bond failed and you used the right glue, scrape away the glue and start again.
    (I had to do this.)

Getting in and out of your semi-permanent chastity device

OK so you now have a single-piece chastity device. How do you get into it? Easy, thanks to the otherwise useless bioresin:
  1. In your bathroom sink, run the hot water until very hot. Place the device in the sink on its base ring and fill the sink until the base ring only is covered.
  2. Once the base ring is pliable, take the device out of the sink and dry it.Without putting too much pressure on the tube, bend back the base ring and squeeze it.
  3. One at a time, slip your testicles through the base ring. Push your penis into the tube as best you can.
  4. Now get into the shower and squirt cold water at your genitals. This hardens the device, giving it some robustness. Dry off and use a Q-tip etc to align your penis as normal.
Getting out is harder because your genitals can't take the same heat as the device on its own! 
  1. Have a long hot bath.
  2. One the bass-ring is pliable, retrieve your penis from the tube.
  3. Carefully bend back the base ring without putting pressure on the tube and free your testicles one at a time. This may hurt a little.
  4. Place the device somewhere to cool off, then run it under cold water.

Why this is a semi-permanent chastity device

Xena is also busy, but I
get the sense that she doesn't
object to the new arrangement.
Getting out, and to an extent getting in, is not a trivial operation. I certainly can't just whip it off before going for a jog or meeting friends for coffee, and I probably shouldn't; sooner or later that pliable base ring is going to break!

So I've ended up with a chastity device that's installed by default but which can be carefully removed from time to time if required. A bit like a semi-convertible car with a roof you can leave at home but mostly don't.

This means changing my rules of engagement and regarding my chastity device pretty much the way I would a piercing and body jewelry. 

We'll see how the weekend goes.
I have 50 demerits outstanding.
I'll be wearing it out and about not for any kind of kick, but because I simply can't remove it without a lot of trouble and the risk of wasting £100. 
Right now we both have a lot going on professionally, so I haven't had a chance to think about how I feel about all this. It certainly of itself doesn't feel wildly erotic. Wearing a device has become a comfortable routine. 

Xena is also busy, but I get the sense that she doesn't object to the new arrangement. 

We'll see how the weekend goes. I have 50 demerits outstanding.



Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Why I think erotic submission works

Our brains reward us for
leading and following,
for dominating and
submitting
Over on reddit, somebody asked about the underlying psychology of erotic submission. This is my answer:

Though I'm sure our personal stories are what lead us to D&S, I strongly suspect that the satisfaction from either role comes from a combination of evolutionary psychology plus the odd way the brain works.

The evolutionary psychology part is a simple.

We're wired to feel good about being in charge - being alpha. However, not everybody can be in charge at any given moment, so we're also wired to feel comfortable not being in charge.

In other words our brains reward us for leading and following, for dominating and submitting.

(If you prefer, perhaps this is socially learned behavior; things go well when we lead or when we follow, but not when we compete pointlessly.)
no matter how much you wrap up 
your D&S in communication, consent, 
safe words, scripts even, a primal 
part of your brain registers it as rea
l

The brain itself is odd.

For a start, parts of it are stupid and can't tell the difference between the thing and the thing that looks like the thing.

So no matter how much you wrap up your D&S in communication, consent, safe words, scripts even, a primal part of your brain registers it as real -- hence triggering the evolutionary psychology working.

Then there's this thing where a lot of our emotions run in parallel.

Our brain chemistry makes it possible to like things we don't want, want things we don't like, get a buzz out of things that scare or hurt us. This is especially true if the sensible part of our brain is assured that we are really physically safe.

 ...much of the joy of submission
comes from ambivalence.
If that sounds complicated or implausible, consider all the other weird things humans do: bungee jump, extreme sports, horror films, roller coaster rides...

You can't meaningfully untangle all this or reduce it to a single factor because much of the joy of submission comes ftom ambivalence.

So in short:

Our psychology may lead us to submission. However what makes us stick is that it feels good on a primal level and at the same time provides the same kind of safe thrills as a roller coaster ride. The ambivalence is the buzz. Don't over think.

Don't just have deep thoughts about Femdom ! Use my manuals to walk the Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

How Female Led Relationships could go mainstream: #1 The implicit FLR is already mainstream

"She wears the trousers in that
marriage" is an old old joke.
The other day, a friend of ours who seems very much in charge of her marriage leaned over the cafe table and remarked, "You know, it's quite normal for one partner to be the driving force..."

And I realized that Female Led Relationships are almost mainstream.

Implicit (as in "assumed but not formally recognized") Female Led Relationships are certainly mainstream and probably always have been. "She wears the trousers  in that marriage" is an old old joke.

However, it's a joke that's quietly died. We're no longer shocked or amused by implicit FLR ("iFLR") or things that look like iFLR.

He's fixing dinner for his wife who just
got in from work...NORMAL.
Some of my favorite retro-FLR pictures were intended as funny or shocking; dire warnings about women getting above themselves and dominating men.

However, if recreated using modern clothing, they would be perfectly unremarkable:


He's doing the washing while
she goes out for a cycle
ride.... NOT SHOCKING
.
He's fixing dinner for his wife who just got in from work...NORMAL. He's doing the washing while she goes out for a cycle ride.... NOT SHOCKING.

We'd just assume they had a modern equal marriage and it suited them that he did these chores while she did others at other times.

If somebody then said, "Oh he only works part-time and she is the primary earner," we'd think it natural he have a meal ready for her on the table.

And if we knew that, "He does a lot of chores to support her bicycle racing hobby," we'd probably think how lucky he was to have a hot athletic wife.

...if recreated using modern clothing,
they would be perfectly unremarkable
If we did notice that both relationships revolved around the wife, we'd confine ourselves to remarking. "I think she tends to make the big decisions." Or, "I think she's the one with the vision in that relationship."

In other words, we're neither surprised not threatened by iFLRs.

At the root is Feminism which pervades our worldview even if we are neither liberal nor identify as Feminist. We simply assume that men and women are morally and legally equal, even if we might point to differences between the genders.

From this Feminist default come several developments.

 Go further back and there was the
legally sanctioned scold's bridle.
First, in the modern west, iFLR is now physically safer for a woman than it ever has been.

Back in the bad old days--even a few decades ago--the marriage could swing into asymmetry and then the man could have an attack of machismo and beat up his "shrewish/nagging" wife and nobody would look down on him for it. The law would probably wink and move on. Go further back and there was the legally sanctioned scold's bridle!

Now, though they still exist, society looks down on wife-beaters and -- at least in the UK -- the police feel pressure to act on domestic violence.

Second, educated men no longer see any shame in letting a woman take the lead in any particular activity. Not only does this add to the physical safety, it also makes it possible for a woman to express her leadership in a particular area without triggering a marital spat. If she can express her leadership in one area, then she can also do so in others.

Third, educated men no longer regard housework as woman's work. It's just what needs doing and the only question is how to divide the labor and who sets the standards.

Finally, people no longer look down on -- let's call them -- asymmetric relationships. We learned in the 1970s and 80s that equality down the middle in all spheres usually doesn't work in practice. One partner will be better at cooking or finances or cleaning or nurturing or bread-winning than the other. We accept that people find the relationship dynamic that they like and that this usually involves dividing labor and with that division of labor comes a division of power.

So, we're already not far from mainstream. Being mainstream certainly wouldn't look much different, except there would be no pretense that the husband wasn't serving the wife, and courtship would be easier because we could actually say, "I am in/looking for an FLR."

What would it take for the world to change such that our friend could lean across the table and remark, "I notice that you are in an FLR like us"?

Part two...


When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

Porn, Femdom and FLR: What if your wife wants a Female Led Relationship?

...wanting to know how to entice
her husband into a
Female Led Relationship
I'm seeing more women popping up on FLR forums, each wanting to know how to entice her husband -- which I'll use as shorthand for "life partner", "permanent boyfriend" etc -- into a Wife Led Marriage/Female Led Relationship.

Up until recently, it seemed to be always the man asking this, usually burdened with all sorts of odd and extreme expectations of erotic things that would happen if only his wife would take charge in a particular way.

This development is probably a good thing. Women seem on the whole more interested in the dynamic than generating routine extreme Femdom and are perhaps more realistic

However, this can be a bit confusing for husbands, especially because Internet porn gives an odd and extreme idea of how FLRs work.

First, let's deal with the elephant in the room...

If she asks for an FLR, you're probably already in one

If she asks for an FLR,
you're probably already
in one..
"Oh," says Xena, noticing my chastity device. "I didn't think were were doing anything this week."

I shrug. "It's that or I masturbate in bed," I say honestly. It's hard not to have horny thoughts at night, especially after all our Femdom adventures together.

"OK then. Yes," says Xena. "Foot rub?"

Ten silent minutes later I ask, "So will we carry on from where we left off?"

"I'm not sure yet," says Xena. "Instep please."

I thumb her instep while I think. It's a few months ago and we'd completed our "first tour of duty" as a Female Led Relationship, visited relatives and finally returned to our peaceful nest in the suburbs.

"OK," I say. "Let me know."

"Do my calves, please," says Xena and picks up her book and starts to read.

Gloriously outrageous! I try not to laugh as a massage her. She's not in the mood for conversation so she just assumes I'll mutely do her feet and legs. It's fair enough, she has a hard day at work tomorrow and needs all the emotional support and cushioning I can provide. But the end result is here I am rubbing her feet like a slave anyway.

In the morning, a list of chores trip off her tongue and she's off to work.

And I'm reminded of the couple of times when she's come home tipsy from a girls night out and remarked about how she's the dominant partner in the relationship...

...and it's true.

In the last few years, she's controlled the sexuality or at least acted as gatekeeper, set the domestic standards, and had the last word on finances. She also tends to get the last word on everything else. When I make a case for something, it's a good one. Sure. there's stuff she doesn't formally control, that we decide together-- for example holidays -- but often I don't have much preference so things go her way anyway.

I'm mostly unemployed, so the domestic chores naturally fall to me. Other female dominated couples are different. Perhaps both partners work and share the chores but the wife sets the standards. Perhaps he works but does the chores anyway. The same goes for money, social life and so on. The one thing that's usually true is that things go best in the bedroom when she calls the shots.

The point is that in a lot of marriages, the wife is already the dominant partner. By admitting this and embracing an FLR you aren't actually going to lose much, and you stand to gain some major benefits.

It is better to have an openly Female Led Relationship than an implicit one

FLR communication is simpler
and less stressful
.
Before, I had to pretend not to ask her approval for things, and she had to pretend not to be making the decision. There was no easy way for me to get a straight answer about things, and no effective way for her to indicate things that were mandatory. Also, I felt the need to push back in order to preserve some sense of manliness.

Simple example: She wants the house clean for the weekend. I have other priorities.

"Before", it would go like this:
Xena: It would be nice if the house was clean.
Giles: Oh, I was planning to go for a run then work on my CV.
Xena: It would be really nice if..
Giles: (Now feeling henpecked and disrespected). Yes, OK. I'll try to fit it in! 
And if I didn't take the hint, she would be come home to a messy house and be grumpy and guilty about being grumpy. If I did take the hint but only did a partial job, then we'd both be grumpy -- me because I would feel unappreciated.

"After", it goes like this:
Xena: I want you to clean the house today.
Giles: Oh. I was going to go for a run and do my CV.
Xena: You can run in the evening if you have the energy. You can spread the CV work out over the weekend.
Giles: OK. What exactly do you think needs doing? 
Now, we have domestic service going on because I'm "on the beach" mostly. However the same conversation could apply with choice of clothing for going out, bad moods, weekend plans and so on. And of course it could apply to sex.

After, with FLR, things are better for several reasons.

  • FLR communication is simpler and less stressful.
  • It's actually easier to negotiate.
  • No more pointless arguments.
  • You can both be much clearer about objectives.
  • There's no need to push back to preserve machismo.
  • When you do domestic chores, it may erode your machismo, but you can demand to be valued as a compliant husband.

Note that none of this involves me dressing as a French Maid or wearing panties! There's nothing wrong with that kind of thing, but it's not mandatory -- we'll come to why the Internet tells you it is in a moment.

Female Led Marriages generate Femdom intimacy, not always the kind you'd expect, but usually the kind you'll enjoy

Porn is fantasy.
Here's where the Internet depiction of FLRs crosses over into porn land.

Actually the action can be pretty pornographic. One of the selling points of FLR is a massively improved sex life, or at least enhanced intimacy. For a mature married couple, this can be escape from a Dead Bedroom.

But first, let's deal with the porn.

Porn is fantasy, it needs to offer variety, and it needs to depict relationships through easily visualized action and props while at the same time delivering a broad spectrum of fetishes.

Take for example me doing the housework on a Friday before Xena comes home.

I'm always happy to go down on
Xena while locked into my
chastity device.

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
I just look like a man doing housework. I'm not even thinking sexy thoughts, except perhaps anticipating the evening's adventures. Now imagine the porn version of a submissive husband doing chores: French maid outfit, panties, perhaps chains and so on.

The same goes for sex. The truth is that small variations around a few core routines are fine for those involved. I'm always happy to go down on Xena while locked into my chastity device, for example. And when she whips me, it's using the same selection of instruments. The pain is immediate enough for me not to get bored. The porn version, however needs escalation, spiked dildos, barbed wire floggers...

So it's not porn's fault, but porn is not a good guide to what any given FLR couple get up to!

This is a problem:

  • Submissive men focus on specific actions rather than the dynamic (i.e. the Femdom relationship)
  • Women who might enjoy Femdom and might embrace an FLR are put off by the porn, or by their husband's porn-driven preconceptions.
  • Men who might thrive in an FLR may flinch from the pornographic depictions.

The reality is different from the porn, because any Femdom is an expression of a particular couple's particular relationship.

How does Femdom work within a Female Led Relationship?

Vanilla sex pervades
a peer marriage.
Well, how does "vanilla" sex work in a peer marriage?

Answer: Vanilla sex pervades a peer marriage.

The broader relationship impacts on the bedroom. Though people pretend there isn't, there is always an implicit intimate reward and punishment system. For example, passion may reward material success. Withdrawal of sex may punish failure. Finally, it's not just what you do in bed, it's the ongoing romance, the flirty references and hints you drop during the day. However, what that night of passion entails, how they make love... those depend on their particular relationship.

Femdom in a Female Led Relationship isn't much different. It's just that the the control is firmly and explicitly with the wife, any reward system is out in the open, and there are usually BDSM elements to reflect the dynamic.

Even without the kink, it's actually pretty thrilling having your wife control the sex. It's like those discussions about chores (see above), except sexier. You always know you're doing what she wants and, because she's in charge, she has to take ownership and ask for the activities she enjoys.

Customized Femdom

In a sense, nothing changes,
it just gets amplified by
the Femdom

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
The kink, however, is a natural result of the FLR dynamic. Peer couples have sex (the aim is to both come) and make love (to both come in an intimate way). Femdom couples may do this as well, but the corresponding analogues are erotic service (he makes her come) and Femdom sessions (wild, intimate things happen).

Our experience, and that of other couples who talk about it convincingly online, is that the kink pretty much develops as described in my two self-help books on Femdom. It reflects your specific dynamic and specific relationship. In a sense, nothing changes, it just gets amplified by the Femdom.

With us, Xena was always a tease and always enjoyed spinning out my orgasms, but was never that keen on the messy finish. She always liked receiving oral sex, and always enjoyed long massages. And this -- since I love her -- was always pretty much what I liked. Add Femdom and the standard operating procedure is that I wear a chastity device in bed and she gets pleasured.

Other couples do it differently. Different sex toys. Different results. However, I suspect it's always just an amplification of what they already had, or both wanted.

It's also quite normal for the husband to continue to be the source of ideas, to research new kinks that fit the dynamic and suggest them to his wife. (For how to do this, see my book Getting her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix.) What's a major turn on is that the power relationship is effectively real. You're no longer role playing, or even playing; you're doing it for real. (Sometimes this is called Consensual Non Consent, but I don't think the term is very useful in this situation.)

Femdom Discipline


This discipline system itself can
be anything from orgasm control,
through psychological punishments,
to actual beatings, depending
on the couple.

 My books are a good start down this road!
Where vanilla couples have an implicit intimate reward and punishment system, FLR couples typically have an explicit one.

The 'explicit' is important because it prevents crossed wires and gets things in the open where you can explain or apologize, and deals with relationship issues decisively.

This discipline system itself can be anything from orgasm control, through psychological punishments, to actual beatings, depending on the couple.

People over-think discipline: if he wants it, how is it a punishment? Actually, we subs often want things we don't like. We may want the discipline (and control over rewards) as because the enforce the dynamic. And, even if we enjoy it on some level, accepting a punishment is a pretty submissive thing to do.

Femdom Romance

...no different from wearing nice underwear
Find out how to add this to your sex life!
Finally, we come to ongoing romance. Vanilla couples drop sexy hints, wear intimate gifts and find ways to remind themselves of their bedroom life. FLR couples do the same but often in a more formalized way. Call it Femdom Romance...

When Xena issues a demerit, a promise of a stroke of the whip, it's the equivalent of here whispering sexy things in my ear.

And that brings us to things like French maid's outfits, or in my case a continuously worn chastity device. They are just an expression of the couple's dynamic, no different from wearing nice underwear: to work as a reminder of private times; around the house as background intimacy; or in bed because it feels right.

Again, these reminders depend on the couple's dynamic.

Some couples are about Feminization or humiliation, hence the French maid's outfit. Some couples -- us -- are about orgasm denial, hence the my male chastity device. Other couples are about other stuff, hence other things.

So, where does that leave you if your wife asks for a Female Led Relationship?

If she asks for an FLR, then it's probably already too late. At the very least embracing an FLR gives you a chance to negotiate or establish boundaries and argue less. It'll probably also revive your sex life in interesting ways.

The important thing is that your FLR and any Femdom will be about you both as a couple. You won't -- shouldn't -- need to start to behave like the denizens of pornland. 

You won't have to stop being yourselves.

For us, the first step on the FLR path was to develop Femdom that suited my wife so well she started to ask for it.  Use my manuals to help you make Femdom work in your relationship! There's one for him, and one for her

Monday, 8 September 2014

My wife really likes me to kneel in the corner at bedtime!

We spent yesterday tidying
up our garden for the onset
 of Autumn, Xena
giving orders
 
Find out how to get some of this in your life!
We spent yesterday tidying up our garden for the onset of Autumn, Xena giving orders but not explicit Femdom; our garden is pretty private, but Xena worries about her voice carrying or somebody popping their head over the fence, which is sensible enough I think.

I was anticipating some more intense Femdom in the evening, but Xena fell asleep while I was kneeling in the corner.

I waited ten minutes in an agony of indecision.

Would she be cross if I didn't come to bed?

She's sensitive to me trying to piggyback my masochism off normal life, and also gets cross if I try to land her with extra responsibility; would she feel it a burden to remember to tell me to come to bed before drifting off?

Eventually I decided to at least turn off her reading light and put her tablet on the bedside table. I rolled forward onto my knees.

Xena's eyes snapped open.
"Back in your corner."

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
Like a movie vampire, Xena's eyes snapped open. "Back in your corner."

Later, when she did call me to bed, I said, "Sorry, I don't know what to do when you fall asleep."

"Stay sitting in the corner," she said with no hint of hesitation.

"By sitting I take it you mean kneeling?" I said.

"Yes," she said. "But if you are sure I am asleep, you may change position."

I settled down with a profound sense of relief, two ambiguities solved. First, the practical one. I now know what to do.

The second, subtler. I now know for sure that the corner thing is as much for her as for me. I'm not just being humored. That thought kept me hard inside my Holy Trainer for quite a while as I drifted into sleep.


Don't resign yourself to just reading other people's Femdom adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her