Become Her Slave!

My once-vanilla wife now loves keeping me as her chaste slave. Learn how to get some Femdom in your life too!

Monday, 29 February 2016

Custom Chastity Update 9: 13th night locked, Day 8(!) of 24/7 chastity lockup - crossed wires with keyholder!

I was supposed to unlock for my orgasm today, but Xena found a milk bottle top on the kitchen floor and that gave me a penalty day (this isn't her being nutty super-domme; she keeps finding the things and has warned me). So I'm still locked up.

I may be unlocking for swimming today or tomorrow with a friend - the Custom Chastity Ghost would be invisible under beach shorts, but everybody at the gym wears speedos, and I often bump into clients there!

So as of 0930 this morning, I have "enjoyed" 178 hours continuously sealed into my male chastity device, during which time I have lived normally, gone jogging several times, showered once or twice a day, and slept at night.

The old chafing has completely cleared up, except for a pink patch of new skin, thus totally exonerating my current setup.

Morning wood has been painful a couple of times, and I've suddenly realised this was caused by over-application of lotion after showering. Too little and the skin dries out. Too much and it ends up too slippy, enabling the erection to straighten and stretch the scrotum. I shall experiment and report back.

Things have been a little odd with Xena. The timing of this adventure was for review purposes and coincided with a busy week at work for her. Even taking that into account, I've been feeling a bit neglected - like an old fashioned housewife going "Look, sexy underwear..." And husband glancing up from his paper and saying, "that's nice dear pass me my slippers."

When I finally complained, Xena crushingly told me it didn't seem much different to her.
It took me a while to get it. Later I suggested that for her that the extra 10% was merely the natural fulfilment of what we were already doing - "how things should be anyway".
"Yes," she said, "But for you it's a big thing."

"Because I can't pretend I have a double life," I said. "It's always there."

So now we understand each other again. It will be interesting to see how our rules change now virtual 24/7 lockup is technically possible.

Sunday, 28 February 2016

Custom Chastity Update 8: 12th night locked, day 7 of 24/7

The Ghost male chastity device has become a bit of a fixture now! I am more concerned with getting an orgasm on Monday than taking it off.

At the same time, wearing 24/7 is a bit of an experience. Up until this point, I was still living a kind of mental double life without the need to reconcile vanilla me with submissive me. Now I'm still me, but always with this reminder of being a surrendered husband. There's no hiding from it, and that's brought back lots of memories of my youth spent looking for a domme while pretending I wasn't.

What's weird is that Xena doesn't see this as much different from normal. I have a horrible suspicion that she sees this as just the natural completion of what we already do; me mostly denied and mostly chaste has become me mostly denied and almost always change.

As for practicalities: Still no sign of new chafing. The old chafing continues to heel, perhaps a bit slower than if I was wearing. Some ball stretching happens during some morning woods, and cold weather can make it feel as if you have barbed wire wrapped around your genitals. However no damage seems to result. I have been careful to moisturise after showering, not to lube, but just to prevent the skin drying out.

Last night I towelled dry as if I were really naked and forgot to use the hair-dryer on my man parts. This doesn't seem to have caused a problem. I suppose the cage design plus body heat saved me!

Saturday, 27 February 2016

Custom Chastity Update 7: 11th night locked!

Spent my 11th night locked in the Custom Chastity Ghost. This is the start of say 6 of my 24/7 chastity adventure.

Gave Xena a very extensive foot rub and leg massage before sleep. The thing about chastity is it makes touching her legs just about as exciting as it would have been when I was a teenager... though more frustrating.

Despite the horn, spent a comfortable night. Woke up as just as locked as when I went to sleep. The last signs of the chafing are clearing up. This device is sinister.

In case you missed it, I posted a full review with pictures here

Friday, 26 February 2016

Chastity Device Review: Ten days in the Customized "Ghost" from Custom Chastity (with pictures!)

The standard Custom Chastity Ghost.
Mine is customized.
Pictures behind the cut! 
I've had it just over ten days, worn it for ten nights, and this Custom Chastity Ghost device feels like part of my body.

Partly that's because I've been sealed into it since Sunday night ten days ago!

I'm now happily on day five of 24/7 chastity lock-up! Xena seems surprisingly into this - but that's for another blog entry; I'll try to keep this one nuts and bolts...

It's a custom device and - I received it in return for an honest review - the order process was both pleasant and intriguing. We went through two prototypes, and a couple of animations before we ended up with my very own custom-fitted chastity device.

Any well-made custom chastity is going to be an improvement on an off-the peg one! This device fits perfectly, lies naturally and invisibly... I can move in it, pee in it, the one thing I can't do is get a proper erection. When I do get hard, the precise fit creates a uniquely intimate violation of my manhood. So, I can't imagine going back to my Holy Trainer 2.

But let me start with some pictures (to protect my real life friends who know about this blog, they are behind the cut):

Custom Chastity Update 6: Morning Wood

A quick update because I'm posting a full review later today.

That's ten nights locked, day 5 of 24/7 wear.

This morning for the first time I woke to painful "morning wood". This also happened from time to time with the Holy Trainer 2, so isn't a strike against the Ghost. The Ghost stayed in position without exposing the shaft - which I always find scary - but tugged painfully on the back of my scrotum. A pee and everything was OK.

The old chafing is definitely healing, though slowly since its up against the lip of the tube - I still feel like an idiot for letting this happen! there's no new chafing! By now, the Chinese device had started to chew through the... jowls... of my scrotum. None of that. This device is at least as comfortable as the HT2.

More later...

EDIT Just realised I miscounted my nights and have had to update them! Last night was my 10th, not 9th, night in the Custom Chastity Ghost.

Thursday, 25 February 2016

Facilitators and Commanders: A theory about Submissive and Dominant personality types

When I look around me at my friends, they tend to divide neatly into people I can imaging subbing and people I can imagine domming!

Of course it's more complicated than that. Some people's D/S roles (if they have them) are at odds with their normal roles, and service tops turn the whole thing on its head.
However, I find this perception intriguing.

The vanilla subs (that I see) are all facilitators. We - for I am one - sometimes hold leadership roles, sometimes supportive ones, but our natural style is to work with people towards some goal. Even when we are in charge we want you to agree with us. Blind trust makes us feel uncomfortable. We are facilitators.

The vanilla doms are all commanders. Like the subs, they may hold leadership roles or supportive ones (think "IT support" or "bossy PA"), but the point about them is that they know what needs to be done and their natural style is to tell people what to do. They are more interested in being right than being liked. They want your trust, not your agreement. They are commanders.

I think we learn to do the other roles either consciously or from role models. Facilitators can decisively ride roughshod over people's feeling when we have to - but we agonise over it later. Commanders can be inclusive and consensual - but they find it irritating and stressful. In a relationship, a sufficiently motivated facilitator can insist on what they want, and a commander can make themselves listen.

However, I think we are happiest when we learn to go with the flow of who we are and make that work. Whether leading or following at work, either style works. In relationships it's easier to accept the roles - because I do see these types in couples made of opposites.

I don't think this is quite a predictor for the bedroom, vanilla or kinky. You'd also have to know about how much they were interested in giving and receiving of pleasure. In the distant past I had commander girlfriends who enjoyed the power of giving pleasure, and others who just wanted to lay back and be serviced.

I would hazard, though, that facilitators are sometimes service tops but never doms, and that commanders are sometimes bottoms*, but never subs (unless in the do-me sense).

I wonder if anybody else has spotted this... or is it simply too simple to make a good self help book?

EDIT: This looks awfully like the old Type A and Type B personality theory; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Type_A_and_Type_B_personality_theory

EDIT 2: However, they really don't map: https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMcommunity/comments/47i1d0/psarant_about_subs_who_arent_the_right_kind_of/

Custom Chastity Update 5: Wearability, old chafing, and jogging in the cold

That's nine nights locked, and we're on Day 4 of 24/7 wear. This time tomorrow I'll have broken my Holy Trainer 2 record (roughly 4.5 days) and when I wake up in the morning, that'll be me past the one for the Chinese Chastity device. I have every confidence in my new diabolical nylon device.
To be honest, the HT2 is probably physically wearable indefinitely, but with the constant risk of not having dried off properly after a shower. Sooner or later something would go wrong with the HT2. The advantage of a cage over a tube format is that you can see what's going on with the cage.
Practically, this customised Ghost still has the edge for 24/7. It's not comparing like for like because - being a customized male chastity device - my Ghost is a perfect fit. However, also: without the padlock, it is also lighter than the HT2; it's easier to pee in; the position of the post and the circular base ring make it easier to conceal.
The old chafing on my scrotum (from trying too tight a ring) is healing slowly, but certainly not getting worse. There's a moral here about not doing any last moment experiments before embarking on a chastity marathon! I will be so cross if I have to stop this adventure because of it... I'll also have to do a repeat performance to prove it can be done.
I've jogged and showered every morning this week. This morning, the weather was freezing and my genitals contracted into a prickling ball of stretched skin. It was uncomfortable but didn't seem to cause any damage.
More tomorrow, plus a full review with pictures.

How to avoid exploitative relationships if you are a sexual submissive

I think you have to treat submissiveness as an orientation and handle it accordingly.

For subs,  50% of the sex is mental and that means we easily confuse dynamic and kinky feelings with relationship. Yes, the dynamic can reflect the relationship, but it doesn't need to any more than good vanilla sex needs to reflect our lover's feelings for us.

Also, thanks to isolation because we're not mainstream, we tend to imagine that our D-type is the only one in the universe who can push our buttons that way, forgetting that these are our buttons that we carry around with us. It's no more logical than being vanilla and assuming nobody else's genitals will fit ours the way our lover's does.

So find the relationship you deserve and you'll enjoy the same kinky feelings. Just be clear about which feelings are the purely kinky ones.

Wednesday, 24 February 2016

Custom Chastity Update 4: wife and 24/7 wear (plus a word on public peeing in chastity)

That's eight locked nights in the new device. More importantly, we're on day three of continuous lockup!
It was round about now that the Chinese device became a chafing problem. This nylon chastity device seems OK, though the skin damage caused by trying the tighter ring hasn't quite healed, so I can't yet swear that this is good for 24/7 out of the box. We'll see what happens. I may have to repeat the experiment...
In fact Xena may well make me repeat the experiment!
On the second night, I was fishing for praise, "That's 24 hours!"
Xena said, "It'll be an achievement when you hit 36 hours."
When she phoned me the next day at lunch I pointed out I had reached that, and she said, "I don't know. Maybe you should do 100 hours."
She already knows that I'm trying for seven days because of the review! But this banter reminded me of the chatter when a few days of chastity stretched to 152 days solid.
Last night as I rubbed her feet I asked, "So do I have to ask to remove this thing?"
"Yes," she said with a slight edge of smugness.
Later, as I did her calves, I pushed it. "Did the rules just change?"
"Possibly," she said.
"Are you going to tell me what they are?"
"Why should I? You have to obey me," she said.
I left it at that but just thinking about it makes me feel a little panicky and at the same time pretty horny.
Now practicalities: Peeing when out and about.
I actually wore the device - well didn't remove it, which is not the same thing - to client's launch party last night in an upmarket pub!
It felt weird sitting in the taxi knowing my dick was locked up, but I had no worries about being found out. Without the padlock, the thing is invisible under clothes since it's just like having a sinister black web around your dick. Apart from when I bent over to pick up napkin and the locking post dug into my pubis, I forgot about my chastity device until it was time to pee. Then I had to queue to use the cubicle.
I considered using the urinal, nobody would have seen, but I've found that with this device if you are misaligned, the hole is small enough that you'll spray everywhere (though ahead rather than down your trousers).  I need to visually check I'm lined up then stick a finger in to hold my dick in place - the cage format makes this easy. Who knows? I might be able to do this by touch eventually. Even if I can't, it's an improvement on the Holy Trainer 2 which usually needs a whirl of the Q-tip and visual checking.
Regarding checking, in a poorly lit toilet stall, it's actually hard to see your own slit (if you are circumcised) so my "pro tip" is to use a (skin safe) black marker pen to dot the top.
However, it's not inconvenient peeing and it's 100% reliable as long as you check and prod, so it easily passes the "out and about test". You could wear it to the office. There's no practical reason to take off this chastity device for normal life.
...a fact I think Xena is just starting to realise.
EDIT: Somebody on Reddit has been in a Custom Chastity Ghost for 4 weeks! You'd have to be another submissive masochist to understand how I feel about telling Xena this.

Tuesday, 23 February 2016

Update on Custom 3D Printed device 3 - achievement unlocked

That's seven nights in my Custom Chastity customised "Ghost", and I'm 2 nights into 24/7 chastity. In that time I have:
  • Jogged twice
  • Socialised
  • Showered
  • Slept
  • Worn continuously for 36 hours
The cage format means showering and drying is no problem. The only difference from unlocked is needing a quick blow with the hairdriar.
Using a cable tie instead of the padlock makes the device very unobtrusive under clothes. Unlike the Holy Trainer 2, there's no rear beak, so the locking post is snug up against your pubis. Better yet, it doesn't weigh anything. It really is like a second skin.
The eggshell smooth surgical nylon seems to clean fine and requires no lubricant of any kind, making it very hygenic.
The slight abrasion of the scrotum caused by trying the too-small ring seems to have healed, despite 24/7 wear, which bodes well for making it through the week. My old Chinese metal device was good for about 3 days before chafing became unbearable. but the chafing showed up after a couple of days. This device seems to just sit their happily... which is a little scary.
Last night, I though 24 hours of wear was an achievement, especially given I met up with friends while wearing it. Xena for some reason said it wouldn't be an achievement until I reached 36. (She likes the device better without the padlock, but I sense she prefers the look of the HT2).
Socialising in this device - well I just forget it's there. It's not in itself a kinky thing. The kink is in private moments at home knowing it doesn't come off any time soon...

Monday, 22 February 2016

Wife mandates 24/7 in my new 3D printed chastity device!

...there's no practical reason
for taking it off
"A chastity marathon is possible," I say, "but it's not going to happen unless you own it. Is this what you want, Mistress?"

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.

The thing about this male chastity device is that there's no practical reason for taking it off.

It's last night. I'm rubbing Xena's feet. It's over a week since I've come and I'm hard inside my Custom Chastity cage.

What with winter colds and work stress, we've had an erotic "dry" spell. Even so, I've racked up lots of penalty days, partly for dieting failures, but also for various infractions. Xena has finally started using the red clicker with scary abandon.

(And the spell has only been dry for her, not me - I've still woken in chastity every morning, still had my punishment whippings, and still experienced the delicious frustration of rubbing her lovely legs and feet every night.)

Now, thanks to my contact sport being cancelled  this week, there's a window for a chastity marathon. I can wear my device 24/7.

Actually I prefer you this way.
I need to do this anyway - when I asked Lady Fox for a device to review, I promised to wear it for an extended time.

However, I'm really pushing the issue because...

I've known my wife likes me chaste since her,"Actually I prefer you this way" more than two years ago. And, then there's the conversation when the new Custom Chastity device arrived last week:

I said, "I can shower in it so in theory I can wear it indefinitely."

She shot back, "Yes but you'd still have to take it off for sport."

Xena seemed very quick in her response as if she'd already considered the possibility. Rather than let the Female Led Relationship opportunity pass, I replied, "Well yes, but I could maximise my wear outside that."

And the conversation moved on.

Even after years of kink and two years of FLR, Xena doesn't like to expose her particular motivations. The less she has to own the better.

However, this is one of those times when she can't get away with putting it all on me. Though extended chastity device wear is a fantasy of mine, it's meaningless without the dynamic, without it being for Xena.

"OK then, we can try it..." she says, then drifts off to sleep... 
It's hard to understand if you're not a submissive. For us, a chastity device is more about dynamic than preventing orgasm. Sure, knowing I can't take it off is a turn on when I think about it. However, mostly it's just a comforting presence like a wedding ring or a piercing - with the dynamic.

So as I rub her feet, I prompt her, "Well, is this something you want?"

"Yes," she says a little sleepily. "But I'm not sure how practical it is."

My cock twitches in its cage. She has thought about it. "I'd not want to do it always," I say, "because it's inconvenient and means being careful. But there's no real risk of being caught."

"OK then, we can try it..." she says, then drifts off to sleep leaving me horny and frustrated with a week of denial ahead of me...

Yes, just like that, having casually potentially pushed our relationship off another Femdom cliff!

And God yes, I'd like to know what's she's actually been thinking, what she's thinking right now! But now I do know she's not just pandering to me and this is what she wants.

So this morning, I swapped the padlock for a cable tie. It looks much better and sleeker this way. I wonder what Xena will think tonight... (pictures next time)

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

Update on Custom Chastity 3D printed device 2

That's six nights no problem other than when I tried the smaller ring; because of the reduced actual cage/ring gap it chafed like crazy and I had to revert to the middle one.

I've also been jogging and showered with no problem.

Using a cable tie rather than a padlock turns it into a very lightweight unobtrusive device.


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

Thursday, 18 February 2016

Update on Custom Chastity 3D printed device


Update on Custom Chastity 3D printed device: Spent two nights in it so far. Sleeping not  a problem. Morning wood is fine. It also passes the shower test. A quick blow with the hair-dryer seems to get everything dry.


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

Wednesday, 17 February 2016

I can do naked star jumps in my new chastity device! (Custom Chastity initial review)

I can do naked star jumps in my new tailored chastity device Custom Chastity!

Better, yet, I woke up this morning with my cock still perfectly better into the thing's web of surgical nylon. There was no messing around with a Q-tip; I could just pee. Getting into it didn't need the stocking trick either.

So the device arrived. It's tough, eggshell smooth, and fits like a spooking thing designed by HR Geiger.

You may have noticed that Custom Chastity have this bonkers advert showing young men doing cool physical activities - A chastity device needn't stop you living life to the full... It reminded me a bit of those ads for women's sanitary products - Time of the month? No problem! Watch me walk the dog while roller-skating:



But now I'm starting to believe that all the dudes in the advert are actually wearing a one of their male chastity devices!

And it's oddly validating.

More once I've put it through its paces.


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

Sunday, 14 February 2016

Forum posts about issues with the Holy Trainer 2 male chastity device

Various forum chatter about the Holy Trainer 2.

Over on Locked Men, "ManagedMan" found his Holy Trainer 2 had become loose. He cleverly used a heat reset to fix it:
I removed my HT2 for cleaning and drew a sink full of hot water from the tap. I put the disassembled HT2 bio-resin pieces into it and left it there as I showered. After I got done 10-minutes later, I removed the pieces from the now luke-warm water, drained the sink, cooled the pieces with tap water and dried them off.
Low and behold, when I put the tube into the ring lock mount, it was tight again! It was almost too tight, just like when I first got the HT2. (Source)
Meanwhile, "gayboykink" on tumblr has a broken Holy Trainer 2 ring, his second breakage - he had a tube split (link). It'll be interesting to see how their customer service is. I had no problem getting them to replace 3 breakages in a row. The replacement they sent me has is fine after 18 or so months, so perhaps "gayboykink" was just unlucky?

Back in 2015, "rch1ng" reported a problem with seams. "Lockedwithlove" had a similar problem and recommended using sanding paper, something I've also done. Several users on that thread said that they'd had no problem. Somebody suggested that the problem devices might be fakes - however mine came direct from the manufacturer.

All that said, most reviews of the Holy Trainer 2 are overwhelmingly positive (for example)! Also, issues are no worse than the much more market CB6000 which splits from time-to-time (example) - though, as with the Holy Trainer 2, people usually report a free replacement.

I think that the device is fine for what it is and what it costs; an off-the-shelf specialist device for a specialist fetish that is still relatively cheap compared to, say, acrylic jewellery which has to withstand far fewer stresses and strains. Given the volumes involved, there are bound to be quality control issues.

What really matters is that you get a working device in the end. To date the Holy Trainer people seem to have a good record for replacing broken models.

So, I certainly have no regrets about buying a Holy Trainer 2 which, because it is easy to wear almost 24/7, pretty much revolutionised our relationship...

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

Thursday, 11 February 2016

The ups and downs of Submissive as a sexual orientation

If it's not a sexual orientation, then sexual
submissive is as near as damn it to
one as to make no difference.
I was always a sexual submissive. Always interested in bondage and slavery. Always imagining myself as the one chained to a rock in Greek Tales or locked in the dungeon of the old castles we used to visit.

It was like growing up gay in pre-enlightened times, or in a modern conservative community.

I had no idea what I was.

Or at least no idea that what I was had a name.

All I knew was that it was dark and vaguely shameful and that it was My Secret. If people knew I got all hot and bothered over thoughts of being tied up... the world would end.

...a little awareness of kink seeped
 in from TV and movies
Teenage was not an improvement.

I was depressed through most of my teenage and it was never clear why. Looking back, I think it was because the right kind of relationship - a Femdom one - was missing from my life but all I was aware of was the absence and these dark masturbation fantasies that left me feeling guilty.

Then a little awareness of kink seeped in from TV and movies. I now knew what I was, but all submissives seemed to be middle aged businessmen who enjoyed visiting prostitutes for a spanking.

I still had My Secret, but now it was dirty and even more shameful. I tried to sideline it, to discount it as adolescent fantasies. That didn't help me find the right kind of relationship. Worse, I was paranoid about spending the night with a lover. What if I talked in my sleep? Gave away my secret?

Then I read a book called Joy of Sex. It told me fantasies were OK, and bondage games a nice couple game.

So I rebranded myself to myself as merely "kinky". It let me be open with lovers, got me tied up a lot, made me stop worrying about talking in my sleep.

 She might be one of those angry
spiky girls, she might be domineering,
or she might be actually naturally
dominant. 
However - and this is the big thing I've realised recently - I was always, always maintaining a Femdom Relationship track in the background.

I mean that there would always be some young woman to whom I was darkly attracted. She might be one of those angry spiky girls, she might be domineering, or she might be actually naturally dominant.

Sometimes I even dated her, but because I didn't know why I was doing what I was doing, I invariably screwed it up.

I gave off appallingly mixed messages.

Everything about my instinctive, natural, behaviour screamed "Dominate me" but I would fight the undertow of submission and growl, "Don't boss me around." This must have been awful for the girl on the receiving end; me inviting her to take charge then making her feel bad about it.

...botched it by wrapping it
up in fantasy
Then there was the kink.

I wanted to submit, but - again fighting the undertow (I call this sub panic) - I wanted to micromanage it and wrap it up in fantasy; Be my pirate queen, tie me up in this way and do that. And of course I was determined to keep it in the bedroom.

Then I met Xena and repeated the same pattern.

I was sporadically ceding control to her, then taking it away. Begging for kink, then making it too me-centred to interest her.

Meanwhile, I was still running the Femdom Relationship track in the background. I don't mean that I was hanging around other women. Rather that I shifted focus to trying to get her to take control of periods of time but botched it by wrapping it up in fantasy and demands that she service top.

...settled into female-focussed service that
worked for both of us
Thanks in part to Xena's strength of personality, it all came together by trial and error. After a couple of years, I shed the layer of fantasy around the kink and settled into female-focussed service that worked for both of us, especially when I discovered male chastity.

Once Xena really was being genuinely in charge in the bedroom, things were finally set up for longer Femdom adventures - though it took me way too much time to realise this.

Then one day we didn't come back from an adventure and here I am, two years on, still in a Female Led Relationship.

What had held us back - held me back - is that I didn't realise you could have a Female Led Relationship where she's in charge, but doesn't act like a dominatrix all the time.

So, here are the things I wish I'd known:
  • Male chastity turns everything into Femdom
  • Being tied up isn't the only type of submission Often it isn't really submission at all.
  • The best way to get her to dominate you is to really submit to her.
  • Most women will try Femdom as means to a sensual end.  
  • Female Led Relationships can look and feel pretty much like ordinary ones. You can often enter one just by saying, "I like it when you take the lead."
UPDATE: Amazing Reddit thread in which people talk about growing up kinky.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

Friday, 5 February 2016

Padlock or integrated lock for your male chastity device? Survey Results with surprising conclusions

Conventional padlock - rattles
and moves around.
I've been putting this question to the kinky half of the Internet! The threads are ongoing, but I think I can see a consensus emerge:

Results of Chastity Locking System Survey

Locked Men Dot Net 

As of right now, 10 responses (all male), all preferring integrated for security - impossible to cut off without damaging the device  - and aesthetics:
  • Looks nicer, 2
  • More secure, 3
  • More invisible (or quieter), 4
  • Doesn't wreck clothes like a padlock does, 2
  • Brass magic lockers more corrosion  resistant if you swim, 1
However two responders thought padlock might be better for long distance keyholding, and one liked the visual symbolism and rattle of the padlock.

Reddit Chastity Training

Holy Trainer 2 with integral locking
system - lacks symbolic impact but
more secure.
As of right now, 3 responses preferring integrated but mostly because padlocks shift around painfully and click. (Not actually an issue with my Custom Chastity design, by the way.)

One response preferred a padlock for symbolic reasons.

Twitter

3 votes, all pro integrated.

Chastity Mansion

4 responses
  • Integrated for aesthetic reasons, 2
  • Liked the padlock for the symbolism 1
  • Pulled in both directions, 1

Chastity Forums

5 responses
  • Integral  because padlocks shift around and rattle, 4
  • Liked the padlock for the symbolism, 1

Conclusions

Custom Chastity captive padlock
system, best of both worlds?
The majority of male chastity device users prefer an integrated lock like that of the Holy Trainer 2!

However, surprisingly, this is for practical rather than aesthetic reasons. Primarily the padlock is disliked because it moves around causing discomfort and rattling. Presumably they would be equally satisfied by the Custom Chastity captive padlock system.

Meanwhile, though it is less secure - you can dremmel it without damaging the expensive device - the padlock is the preferred option for (a) those who enjoy its symbolism and (b) those in long distance keyholding relationships (as people can send each other padlocks).

Speaking both as a male chastity device user and an erotic novelist, I can see several obvious conclusions for chastity device manufacturers:

First, padlock devices:

  • Padlocks aren't going away because (a) symbolism, and (b) long distance keyholding.
  • You should probably work to design out the downsides of padlocks so people don't have to mess with rubber bands etc to stop the rattling and protect themselves and their underwear.
Second, integral locking devices
  • A core of users love the aesthetics, however practicality is still the paramount advantage.
  • The ideal device would actually have (a) a highly visible lock, which (b) could be closed securely before being locked so the keyholder would get to turn the key.
  • Useful add-ons could include noise makers and padlock points.

Frankly, I'm a little surprised. My own preference is for an utterly invisible lock so that my chastity device is more like a skin.

So, amongst perverts I find myself a pervert...


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

Thursday, 4 February 2016

6 Things the Internet Gets Wrong About Female Led Relationships

I'm still feeling cross and a little horrified.

There is no standard
Female Led Relationship 
A friend sent me the link to a Female Led Relationship site which offered "training courses". It was amazingly wrong headed and almost designed to discourage normal couples from considering  a Female Led Relationship.

I googled around and found more of this rot. I can't decide whether it's all male fantasy fodder, but it's certainly not representative of what you see on real FLR forums like At Her Feet.

So here are some corrections...

We like chastity and
discipline.
1. There is no standard Female Led Relationship.  There's no one right way to do an FLR because the "R" stands for relationship, and that's formed by both parties. Even in extreme cases where she dictates everything, the relationship is still defined by her preferences and what he will accept.

2. Female Led Relationships do not go through a standard progression. True, an FLR is a journey. However it's a journey together. More than one site describes the inevitable end point as her becoming a promiscuous "cougar" and him a hormone-popping chaste "cuck" who only gets access to her to clean up after a "bull". There's nothing wrong with people who want to live like that, but the reaction of most normal couples will be "Ewww!" Really, sites promoting this progression are mostly intended for masturbatory consumption.

Some FLR couples are entirely
kink free.
3. Most Female Relationships do not resemble 24/7 Femdom. OK, technically, if she's in charge, then it is "female dominant". However, it's not usually Femdom in the sense of  continuous protocol and erotic activity. Very few couples spend all their private time with, say, her in latex and him in a French maid's outfit.

4. Feminisation is not a standard part of a Female Led Relationship, nor is any other kink. The kink in a relationship depends on both partners. It can reflect shared preferences, or individual tolerance, or a trade off, but it rarely ticks all the porno boxes. We like chastity and discipline. Some couples are entirely kink free. Some like chastity with the honour system. Some like cross dressing. I know one couple where he is dominant in bed, but she decides whether or not to let him out of his chastity device.  I suspect that chastity and discipline are the most common elements, but the only certain sweeping statement is that an FLR is usually a Femdom friendly environment.

....not based on her feminine wiles
5. A Female Led Relationship is not based on her feminine wiles, nor her dominance, nor her ability to manipulate her man using sex.  This one really bugs me. Of course, all of this does go on in FLRs, but rarely all in the same FLR because - drum roll - it all depends on her leadership style. So the guy I read whining on about "why wouldn't she use flirtation to get her way?" Perhaps he married a modern assertive woman who wouldn't know the first thing about acting like a 1950s man eater. The whole point of an FLR is Female Leadership. A couple agree that she is in charge and - usually - pick tools she can use for quality control. If she needs to beat him or bully him or tease him just to get the dishes done, that's not FLR. He should be obeying her anyway.

If she needs to beat him or bully him
or tease him just to get the dishes done,
that's not FLR.
6. Submissive men are not weak, nor are all men fitted for Female Led Relationships. A lot of FLR sites reek of domism, the idea that dommes are innately superior to subs. While it's true that FLR men welcome female leadership, they may in all other ways be competent and even alpha members of society! Submissive is an orientation. It says nothing about your other traits and skills. Similarly, other sites push a gynosupremacist line, that - since they are naturally inferior - all men should submit to all women. This is - frankly - mostly wank material, like the ranting captions people like to add to erotic pictures. Though implicit FLRs seem common in the couples I know, there are also couples where he calls the shots, and also - rarer - where they are peers right down the line.

Honestly, when most couples transition to a Female Led Relationship, the shape of their relationship hardly changes, it just works better and they do more Femdom...


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Monday, 1 February 2016

Why Implicit Female Led Relationships are bad for everybody involved

A vanilla submissive does things
 ‘when he feels like it’.
Dominant relationship and sex blogger Ferns talks about the problem with vanilla submissives versus D/s submissives:
A vanilla submissive does things ‘when he feels like it’. A non-vanilla submissive does things ‘when he feels like it, but even if he doesn’t because that’s what we agreed, so he will do it anyway and be happy that I used my authority to push him to do it’. (source)
To roughly summarize the post:
Ferns prefers a Female Led Relationship. She needs to know that she really is explicitly charge outside the bedroom, and that her partner experiences her authority as an expression of love. Otherwise he'll get bored, feel things are unfair then push back and ultimately leave.
I think this exactly mirrors the submissive male experience of  vanilla D/s relationships, ones where the dynamic is unacknowledged even if there is bedroom kink. I call these iFLRs (implicit Female Led Relationships).

 ...she does not respect us when
we submit
We subs easily drift into iFLRs especially when we're young because we have a strong drive to submit. We may also knowingly "stealth submit", ceding power to our partner without getting her buy-in. This also results in an iFLR.

Implicit Female Led Relationships are bad for everybody involved.

There's often a big ethical problem with iFLRs because we tend to submit to domineering women rather than dominant ones, meaning we latch onto a woman who has issues with the way she relates to other people - typical traits include selfish, narcissistic, spiteful, impulsive, lacking in empathy - and then enable her to go further down that road.

Essentially, we take somebody a bit crazy and nudge them into being even crazier because it pushes our buttons. Not very ethical.

There are still problems even if we do manage to find a genuinely dominant partner because we fail to negotiate an actual Female Led Relationship.

For a start, we can't trust her to remain dominant and to also respect us. She may at any moment demand we "man up", or try to goad us into a reaction. This can be because she reads our submission as passive aggression, or because she worries about being evil, or because she does not respect us when we submit. Conversely, she may need to justify the iFLR by disrespecting us - bad for the sex and the relationship as a whole. Either way, any bedroom Femdom may actually make matters worse.

All this is reason enough for subs in iFLRs to push back, even if we are kinky. Occasionally we will try to assert a more traditional masculinity, which means behaving like a dick - not something our partner will appreciate.

It's far, far better to have an explicit agreement so you
both know where you stand - or kneel
Finally, not acknowledging your FLR means you can't communicate about it. This leads to tense conversations in which she's trying to get her way without admitting being the dominant partner, and you're trying to submit without seeming to be a doormat. "What are you in the mood for?"/"What did you have in mind?"/"That depends..."  Worse, you can't set or negotiate limits, so she may second guess herself to the point of irritation.

So implicit Female Led Relationships are a minefield. It's far, far better to have an explicit agreement so you both know where you stand - or kneel - and can actually talk about it. That way you can skip to the bit where you both enjoy the domination and submission in the bedroom and in the rest of your life.

The chances are that if you are already in an iFLR with a dominant woman, you probably both know what's going on. You've probably even been stealth submitting.

Perhaps it's time to have an honest conversation?


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