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Thursday, 17 August 2017

Sex and Relationships in 2027

Sex in the future!
Last month, Teen Vogue actually did an article on BDSM! And there are all these surveys about the younger generation's laid-back attitude to sex and sexuallity.

So what's it going to be like in the Anglophone 1st world in ten years time?

I think wildly liberal, but not a 70s style Brave New World shagfest, nor a rolling Bonobo pansexual bonkathon.

Here's why.... (please note this is a prediction, not a manifesto!)

One the one hand, technology pushes the erotic envelope. Medicine's attack on consequences removes the fear. Porn erodes qualms. The wired up world provides opportunities and, through mobile communications, makes people physically safe. We're only one click away from cheap toys and gadgets to fulfil our fantasies. And, with ignorance and fear in retreat, people are starting to be OK with the whole rainbow of sexualities and identities.

On the other hand, a culture of sexual autonomy makes people less rather than more sexually available to others: people increasingly no longer feel they have to do things they don't feel like.

Since sex is an intimate act, it will continue to create vulnerablity. In the absence of cultural scripts telling people to go out and get laid, or to date, many of them will choose not to let down their guard except selectively. So though we'll see more promiscuity done more openly, it's never going to be like the fantasy version of the 1970s Sexual Revolution because only a few people really want to routinely sleep around.

A range of relationship styles will become unremarkable, especially poly, but monogamy isn't going to go away. Since each style generates its own challenges, no one style will be acknowledged best. People and fashion will move between them over time. However, as long as people still have jobs, relationships will tend to drift towards something resembling monogamy as the lazy option.

Similarly, sex remains visceral rather than cerebral. The new generation seemed to have picked up the values without the passionate politics. So though they won't be transphobic or homophobic, and though more of them will be openly pan/bi or "flexible" (or whatever it will be called), for most people, your "actual genitals right now" will still matter. (On the plus side, we can guess that sex changes will get easier and that the genitals you once had won't matter.)

Finally, given that something like 50% of women can't usually get off on penetration, I predict there will be less penis-in-vagina sex than right now.

What about kink?

Kink in general will go mainstream... it already is, to an extent. There won't be a BDSM club on every corner because sex will still be private for most people. However, kink will be a part of the standard bedroom repertoire.

Given most people aren't particularly good at role playing, it will be instrumental kink, with bondage for teasing and denying, and sadism and masochism experienced in the raw without the layer of simulation modern kink culture wraps around its "play". And some kinks based on transgressing race and gender will simply fade away. For example, by 2027, sissification won't make much sense to anybody under 50.

Chastity devices won't be mainstream outside the bedroom, unless somebody nails the problem of security - expect something like the FitBit for cocks. They most certainly will be mainstream in the bedroom. Their primary use will be vanilla: to string out the male plateau phase. However, they will also creep into dating and courtship wherever one partner wishes to delay sexual intercourse.  (I talked about all this here.)

This leads us to the knotty problem of power exchange in asymmetric relationships.

I suspect these will still be taboo. That Teen Vogue article sought advice from a pro-domme, not an established FLR or MLR couple. It emphasised BDSM as play and performance.

Yes, consensual vanilla asymmetric relationships naturally arise in the wild, and yes it's healthy to be able to acknowledge and eroticise the dynamic, not least because it lets you negotiate it. However, ongoing power exchange will feel like a violation of the prevailing egalitarian culture.

So, a submissive may one day think nothing of discussing a flogging with their adventurous friends, but they'll have to keep it a secret that the reason they were flogged was because they didn't do their chores...

There are two ways I can see F/m asymmetric relationships becoming acceptable in the mainstream:

First, asymmetric relationships without BDSM protocol trappings might become widely visible and acceptable in the Lesbian and Gay communities, where gender roles and feminism can't muddy the waters.  If our gay friends can casually talk about  a partner being their "boss", then so can we straight couples.

Second, perhaps there will be a Political Femdom movement along the lines of Political Lesbianism. It won't be called that, and it won't be overtly kinky. It will be touted as a way of subverting patriarchy at root. It might even do that. It will certainly square the circle for a lot of straight couples.

Unfortunately, all this will benefit FLR/Femdom pairings more than it will MLR/Maledom ones. We're going to need another two generations of non-sexist culture before MLR doesn't push the wrong buttons. Unless... just perhaps loudly embracing MLR as a consensual kink might just be seen as a way to subvert old-style patriarchal marriage.

As I said, this is a prediction, not a manifesto. I don't think this world will be perfect, make everybody happy, or even respect everybody's rights. However, it will be better than the erotic environment I grew up on, and better than what goes on today.

Your turn. What do you think things will be like?


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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Monday, 7 August 2017

My wife gives scary answers to some Femdom hypotheticals

My wife is very literal and serious

"Can I ask you some hypotheticals?"

It's late Sunday night, I'm kneeling at the end of the bed rubbing Xena's feet, as always, locked into my chastity device for the night.

She rather arbitrarily had me unlock for the day, which has left me a bit confused. I have a strong suspicion that her lock/unlock decisions are entirely random

Remember Anya from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"? My wife's a bit like her. Very literal and serious. There are no wheels within within wheels. She has a playful side, but it's spontaneous and unreliable. The world's worst service top, she is utterly no good at erotic role play.

Put my wife in charge, however, and she just takes charge and suits herself. This gives us an all or nothing Femdom dynamic that suits me fine.

The snag is, she doesn't introspect about the Femdom, which means it's hard to nail down what her tastes actually are.

Nor does she spend time thinking about enhancements. They still come from me, making the whole thing a bit of a guessing game. Some ideas she takes up with an evil grin. Others she dismisses with a grumpy wrinkle of her nose: Why aren't you telepathic Giles?

Part of the problem is that her mind leaps to practicalities, and some ideas get rejected before I've had a chance to make them work, or establish that I'm actually in the right ballpark.

So I'm ask asking some explicitly hypothetical questions: ones grounded in reality, but lubricated by fantasy.

"Oh go on then," she says.

"First one," I say. "Suppose I lost both keys to my device. Worse, in a fit of enthusiasm I'd previously decluttered all my spares. It would take about a month for a replacement to come."

"I don't understand, " she says, yawning.

"I'd be stuck," I say. "I'd have to destroy the device to get out of it, but the new one wouldn't arrive for a month or so."

"Oh," she says, an evil glint in her eyes. "You'd have to wear it until the replacement arrived."

"Would I be allowed to pullout and come."

"Of course not," she says as if I'm an idiot.

As  I said, she's very literal. As far as she's concerned a chastity device should be a chastity device and treated as such. She once accidentally pressed the wrong counter, giving me a penalty day instead of a demerit. She simply shrugged and picked up the other counter and clicked that one as well. There was no hint of rewinding.

"OK," I say. "Suppose Lady Fox had nothing she wanted me to review, so I had to buy the new device. Say it was about $200. Bear in mind that any practical device comes in at about that."

"You'd have to earn the money first," she says. "Over and above your monthly targets, of course," she adds cheerfully.

I wince. My erotic fiction and contracting together bring in a variable income. My target is reasonable, but I don't always make it. "I could be stuck for a couple of months."

"Tough."

"Next," I say. "Suppose this happens but we're abroad for your work? We're either travelling around, or else deliveries are not practical or secure. We won't be home for three months."

"Then you'd wear it until then," she says.

"What about six months?"

She frowns. "Then I'd make you come up with a solution."

Yes, a sharp but literal mind. The hypothetical just breaks down when she thinks about it too much! (There are few problems she can't solve or motivate other people to solve, which is why she is so senior professionally.)

However, it's interesting that this doesn't happen until the 6 month mark. Also, at no point does she bring up getting a cheap Amazon device for bedroom wear only. Given an all or nothing choice, she'd rather have me locked 24/7.  Finally, as long as the situation isn't actually her fault, she seems gleefully happy to enforce it for months on end.

All this suggests that daytime lockup really is part of the deal for her. She's not humouring me, even if she hasn't thought through the significance.

"Finally, a different tack," I say. "What if you had a vibrator that was hooked up to an electric shocker."

"I don't get it. Why would I want that?"

I back track. "You can get remote control shockers. Imagine that you using your vibrator triggered electric shocks for me. Would you use that?"

"Hmmm. Perhaps."

"What if... what if instead the vibrator was connected to the time lock on the safe. Say every minute of use cost me an hour of lockup?"

"Oh," says my wife. "That would be interesting."


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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Thursday, 3 August 2017

"Actually I prefer you this way!": Permanent Chastity and the Other Keyholder Dynamic

"Actually, I prefer you this way."
"Actually, I prefer you this way."

About four years ago, I had just serviced Xena and was about to remove my chastity device to and get myself off in the other room. I had a sudden attack of insecurity: was she still OK to play this "game"(longer log post here).

"Actually, I prefer you this way."

God just thinking about her answer gets me hard in my chastity device!

 Being locked into a chastity device
somehow releases my sensuality.
A lot of keyholder relationships seem to be about the chaste male and his ravenous genitals.

We are told that the chastity device and orgasm denial are the keyholder's main leverage with her caged male. We're asked to believe that without that leverage he'd go back to being his boorish, domestically lazy, semen-daubing self. Permanent chastity would destroy this dynamic by removing the leverage.

Perhaps that's true for some couples.

For us, male chastity is transformative.

With fetishes, it's hard to disentangle turn-ons from things that give permission to be turned on. Being locked into a chastity device somehow releases my sensuality. I am far hornier locked than unlocked, and, on balance, more comfortable as well.

Xena feels the same. For some reason, me being locked up seems to allow her to be sexy, and knowing I'm locked makes her also feel comfortable.

The dynamic that tends towards permanent chastity.
Neither of us are really interested in my orgasm. Xena hasn't been there when it happened for years. Though I have the urge to get off, and try to avoid penalty days,  masturbation is lonely. It always leaves me a little depressed and deflated.

Conversely, I find it immensely... comfortable when she denies me an orgasm. It's more than masochism, it's to do with identity and being owned.

Earlier this year, my orgasm was months away and kept receding. An extra penalty day here or there felt like a drop in the ocean! I simply stopped being scared of the red clicker. What did keep me in line was my submissive nature confirmed by my chastity, and Xena's ability to beat me and make me kneel in the corner.

So Xena doesn't need penalty days to control me, and we are both more comfortable with me locked in a chastity device. 

That means that we are living the other keyholder dynamic, the one where the chastity is more important than the keyholding... the one that tends towards permanent chastity, even if it never attains it.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Why Commander/Champion isn't a simple predictor of Dominant/Submissive BDSM Roles

...the knotty business of gender roles.
I'm proud of my Commander/Champion insight - please go and read the original post if you haven't, or else none of this will make sense! I also think it's useful. I don't, however, offer it as the BDSM version of gaydar. Here's why.

First, like Gay/Straight, Commander/Champion is a spectrum. People may wander around it almost randomly, and particular relationships may trigger or re-enforce particular positions. (Though I suspect life tends to nudge people one direction or the other.) When I use the terms, I mean people who are clearly at one or other end of the CC spectrum.

As important, it's easy to misidentify Commanders and Champions in the wild. 

CC preference is about where you get your certainty from, and doesn't guarantee particular skills or attributes. You can be an introverted, inarticulate Commander, or an extroverted charismatic Champion. It follows that roles and status don't map to CC.

Not all Commanders are any good at being in charge in the real world - we all know bossy, angry people in low status jobs and stormy relationships. Not all Champions are nurturing, or even like people in general!

The attributes of each are applicable in a variety of professional roles. You'll find some Commanders in subordinate or supporting  positions, and some Commanders in leadership roles. Consider, for example, the sales assistant who knows just what jacket will suit you, and the manager who fiercely buys into corporate identity, or who is all about consensus building.

People also learn to perform their opposite style. For example, to reach their goals, a Champion may need to step up and be a decisive leader, and a Commander may need to adopt persuasive techniques. Or the Champion may see that the best way to help is to be commanding, and the Commander may decide that somebody needs championing...

There's also the knotty business of gender roles. Our culture demands that men be Commanders and women, Champions. This nudges people into styles that don't naturally suit them, with resulting blowback - e.g. the unfortunate stereotypes of the loudly alpha bank manager who is a wimp at home, and his super feminine wife who controls his life.

Then we come to the problem that BDSM is about play as well as dynamic.

One the one hand, a Commander may enjoy the experience of "bottoming", say being tied up and edged or whipped. On the other, a Champion may really get off on giving pleasure through "service topping".

Thanks to identity politics leaking into BDSM, and the related erosion of the terms top and bottom, they may loudly identify as respectively Submissive and Dominant, even though the Commander has no interest in more general submission and the Champion only ever dominates for effect.

Just to confuse things, people develop strong fetishes through repeated masturbation and actual experience. So it's quite possible for a Commander who enjoys bottoming, to become so fixated on the experience that that's their main and preferred source of sexual pleasure. Their head may also be full of complex submissive fantasies, precisely tweaked to generate the precise physical scenarios they like.

So though the Commander/Champion distinction might be helpful, it's no kinkdar.

If you meet a woman you experience as "domineering", she may actually be a Champion: championing somebody or somebody that's not you; or gritting her teeth and performing Commander in order to "lean in"; or she may just have good reason to be angry (because patriarchy generates a lot of bad experiences for women). God help me, if your dating and she's old school, she may even be actually goading you in order to see if you "man up" and act dominant.

Conversely, a woman who seems insecure and lacks confidence may be Commander who, lacking role models or just the right kind of personality, has experienced some nasty knocks whenever she acts naturally. Even nowadays, girls are told not to be bossy, and are raised to be nice. End result there are a lots of female Commanders who second guess themselves and self sabotage and never reach their full potential at work or in bed.

Even so... Commanders and Champions have a different feel. Each seems a little brittle when they perform the opposite style. Each makes different private choices whenever they don't feel judged. And, if you look closely and take them in the round, you'll find they do have different sources of certainty.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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Wednesday, 26 July 2017

Ask Giles: How do I get my willing wife to take charge of chastity lockup?

It all comes down to "what's in it for her?"

One approach is to grant her privileges that would otherwise be unreasonable, but only when you're locked. This could be as simple as "She's in charge" or as specific as "he does all the cooking when locked".

Don't present this as a trade. Rather, when you are locked you are more submissive.

Beyond that, vanilla partners usually have trouble with Masoch's Paradox: Us wanting things we don't like/liking things we don't want.

It might be worth explaining that your kink operates on a continuum from "Fun" through to "Fun to be Scared Of" and that therefore chastity can be both a torture and a punishment.

Once you have that established, two possibilities come to mind:

1. Adopt some elements of FLR. Ask her to set you targets with chastity penalties. These could be specific chores, or - perhaps better - personal improvement targets.

2. Connect your chastity to her orgasms. In our case it amuses Xena that her orgasms add penalty days to my chastity. However, you might want to work it the other way around and have so many of her orgasms required for you to earn one for yourself.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Tuesday, 25 July 2017

Commanders and Champions: How to spot a dominant woman (sort of)

Guinevere was a Commander,
Lancelot was a Champion.
(This came up on reddit. Here's my tidied up response.)

This of course is a minefield. My (unscientific) observation of real life kinky people is:
There's no correlation between kink preference and social or professional status, introvert/extrover or stereotypical kink behaviour. In real life most dominants don't strut, most subs don't cringe or flaunt their small dicks and so on.

However, I do see a correlation between D/s preference and what I think of as a Commander - Champion spectrum.

Just to illustrate the idea:

Champions are natural joiners, Commander's aren't.

Commanders lead decisively, Champions tend towards consensus building or else implementing/defending existing traditions or practices.

Commanders know what's good for you or an organisation, Champions are all about facilitating.

Commanders build empires, Champions run them.

Guinevere was a Commander, Lancelot was a Champion.

People at the Commander end of the spectrum can be very natural sexual dominants, but, because they like to be actually in charge, make lousy service tops. Just to muddy the waters, they may have an instinctive reluctance to buy into kink culture or pander to expectations. They may also be very adventurous bottoms, with no interest in doing all the hard work of topping.

People at the Champion end of the spectrum can be very natural sexual submissives, but also make great service tops if sufficiently motivated. An interest in topping may be a reaction to the fear of succumbing to a submissive undertow...

It's not simple because it's a spectrum, and because culture, upbringing and personal growth may mask natural type. It's also unhelpful that "bottoms" increasingly identify as "subs".

However, a good strategy would seem to be to look for Commanders and introduce them to kink that has some clear benefit for them. This may mean stepping out of your social comfort zone and approaching women a little different from the ones you naturally end up talking to, and perhaps tapping slightly different social skills

One of the big hazards of being a Champion is that you naturally feel more comfortable talking to other Champions and don't necessarily know how to have a conversation with a Commander.
Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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Wednesday, 5 July 2017

How to tell which BDSM fantasies are OK to do in real life

Whips from Fred Norman
The other night, Xena merrily beat the hell out of me with  a selection of whips that Fred Norman sent us, including one he'd thoughtfully marked, "Xena use with love."

It hurt like hell.

I was yelping, groaning, straining.

However, I couldn't get away. I was strapped into a bondage bar. I couldn't get free if I wanted to.

I could have, in theory, used a safe word. However, that's not really in my mindset.

So I was to all intents and purposes utterly at Xena's mercy while she actually punished me for actual things that made her actually cross.

Oh and I was also locked into a chastity device, with no prospect of an orgasm for at least a few days.

Xena merrily beat the hell out of me 
So real punishment. Real denial. Fifty lashes that left me shaking, just short of weeping, and deliciously terrified of my wife, and still in need of an orgasm.

It turns me on just writing about it. However, the experience was so painful that I'm scared of the next time - which is perfect, because it was supposed to be punishment. Oh and living under the threat of such harsh treatment is both psychologically satisfying and a turn on - a pity about the chastity device I'm locked into right now...

Not really a game in any practical sense of the word.

Ten years ago, I would have fantasised about this, perhaps tried to get Xena to simulate the experience in nerfed form: lighter whips or a nice soft flogger, and I would have been allowed to get myself off at the end. "Have you been a naughty boy then....?"

Metal bondage, for example, can lead to
nerve damage. 
Which leads me to: How can you tell which fantasies it's OK to experience for real?

I'd say you can do a fantasy for real if you can answer "yes" to the following three questions:


1. Can the fantasy be done by consenting adults? We can skip this first point - it should be a no-brainer.

2. Is the fantasy realistic? A lot of fantasies ignore the awkward or unpleasant realities. Most extreme fantasies can and should fall at this hurdle, because deep down people know that, for example, mutilation really, really hurts, other men smell of male sweat and semen, and with the exception of vaginal juices, most of us find other people's bodily fluids taste and smell foul... unless we don't, or swing that way.

3. Is the fantasy safe to do? Assuming that your fantasy only involves consenting adults and is also close to the reality, then really all that matters is whether it's physically and emotionally safe to do.

 The person who actually lives out a fantasy
is surely less of a "loser" than the
mere fantasist!
Some BDSM activities are more physically dangerous than they seem, sometimes to the point of being life changing or potentially lethal. Metal bondage, for example, can lead to nerve damage. There are also, for example, things that shouldn't happen to your anus. The only way to be sure is to research whatever you're into and adjust accordingly.

Depending on who we are, some BDSM activities may be psychologically dangerous. 

People often exaggerate this fear! Is there really much difference between being a person who masturbates over a kinky activity and one who actually does it for real? Surely, matter how sordid and humiliating the act, the person who actually lives it out is surely less of a "loser" than the one who merely jerks off to it!

However, if you've been abused, or assaulted, if you have some deep-seated ideas about masculinity, then there are things that may trigger you or damage your self image. It's your job to introspect or even talk to a therapist to work out whether you're going to be OK. It may also be wise to approach doing it for real, whatever it is, slowly and with a sympathetic and fully informed partner.

BDSM isn't radioactive waste. 
Similar cautions apply to fantasies that may damage your relationship. If, for example, cuckolding is your bag (it's not mine, but horses for courses), and assuming your partner really does consent, then you still need to consider what this will do to your relationship... the one in which you have invested precious years and perhaps built a family around. 

If the fantasy passes these three tests, then it's probably OK to try it in real life.  

There's no guarantee you'll actually "like" it. 

You may find yourself irritated, angry, in pain, bored... 

It doesn't really matter! 

BDSM isn't radioactive waste. It's not a disaster if something you thought you might like turns out to be a let down. Just be sure to thank your playmate or partner for giving it a shot. You've not really lost anything.

However, my experience is that if it's consensual, realistic and safe, then the reality of a fantasy is far better than the, um, fantasy of the fantasy...


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Tuesday, 27 June 2017

Safe Words and Consent in our Female Focused Femdom

Our Femdom only really started working
for both of us when it stopped being play.
You know, I have never ever used my safeword with Xena.

Nor have I used "traffic lights" or, since we stopped thinking of our Femdom as "play", tried to direct the action.

In fact, our Femdom only really started working for both of us when it stopped being play.

I do from time-to-time give her feedback, but it's of the technical variety, as in "I can't stay still for this, mistress, you need to tie me up." Occasionally, "Sorry mistress, cramp! Let me go."

There's no break in the dynamic, not stepping out of character because we are the characters.

Of late, I haven't really negotiated either. I'm still the one who provides the new ideas, but as a facilitator. It's up to me to suggest and her to pick and choose, and she only goes with innovations she likes.

We don't have the layer of fantasy or roleplay, nothing is simulated. If Xena acts angry, it's because she is angry. If I'm serving her, I'm really serving. Punishment is real punishment (yes the hazard turns me on, but that's different).

So we don't really fit into the BDSM mainstream.

What triggered this entry was blogger "A Strange Desire" talking about a similar approach to Femdom.

I don't share his scathing feelings about the BDSM scene; horses for courses, I think. However, I do think the emphasis on negotiated "play" is not useful for established couples like us where one partner is deeply submissive, and the other likes uncomplicated control.

However, I do diverge from him when he writes...
....I reject the use of safe words. If I can stop an activity with a single word, then I am in control, and I don't want to be in control. A safe word discourages progress in the activities, and reinforces the sense of unreality, because we can stop and step out of the activity at my whim.
Punishment is real punishment.
As I said, we do have a safeword, but have never needed it. However, our safeword is really a safety word.  I would only use it if there was an actual safety concern that couldn't be, or wasn't being, handled within the dynamic.

This emphatically does not give me power of veto, or the ability to skip tracks.

As a submissive in established Female Led Relationship, I find it hard to think outside our dynamic. I'm also terrified of breaking the Femdom. I'd rather put up with something unpleasant than have that happen, and the more I've suffered, the less willing I am to throw away my "investment". Finally, the knowledge that I'm trapped by my own kink is itself a kinky turn on.

My consent is therefore, for most purposes, irrevocable. And we both like it that way.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
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Monday, 26 June 2017

Venus in Furs: Wanda and the Original Pushy Sub from Hell

Venus in Furs
I got my copy of Venus in Furs before the Internet.

I had a student job in a highstreet bookstore. When things were quiet, I'd get a guilty thrill looking up kinky works in Books in Print. (This involved using a microfiche - actual microfilm reference cards you had to consult through a special viewer.)

And, OMG, Venus in Furs turned up in the catalogue! The book by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch who'd given his name to what I was: "a masochist".

I'd read about the book in a history of sexuality, but never really thought of it as something I might own, let alone read. I had to have it.

So I dithered, and obsessed and finally - betting that the nice ladies in the order department wouldn't know what it was - ordered it.

Weeks of guilty waiting... and it arrived.

It was everything I'd hoped for and more, and much less.

Let me explain.

Femdom as something mythic,
darkly poetic and primal
It's a Victorian-era romantic novel about Severin, who's obsessed with the idea of being dominated by a cruel mistress. He meets Wanda, a wealthy widow, who is intrigued enough to try to satisfy his urges and take him as her slave. Beset by qualms, she determines to "cure him" by taking an alpha male lover and having the chap beat our hero. We close with Severin, dreams of submission rejected, now living a suspiciously preformative hyper macho life with his own harem.

As a work of erotica, it's a failure. There are several sensual events, but delivered in summary. Only the whippings and beatings get loving detail.

As an erotic  romance, it's both engaging and uncomfortably realistic. The lovers struggle and fail to get the dynamic right. All the classic femdom relationship tragedies are here.

Wanda is a dominant woman. She is at once drawn to what we now call Femdom, and at the same time ambivalent about following somebody else's script.

Meanwhile, Severin is the archetypal pushy sub: Me me me do it this way I want you to spontaneously dominate me but in the way I imagine me me me ME! ME!

He doesn't know what an empowered
woman looks like...
To be fair, he's trapped in extreme Western patriarchy. He doesn't know what an empowered woman looks like, let alone a dominant one. He must resort to history and legend for archetypes, and otherwise extrapolate from his own submissiveness... and we know how that goes.

He also - and this is a classic thing - thinks of a dominant woman as so very Other that he has to other himself in order to be with her. He doesn't get that a real dominant woman is most likely to want a considerate lover, companionship and a wider life*. So he presents himself as a willing servant with "benefits" and harsh discipline.

*This is one reason why my Femdom erotica generally has the dominant female form a lesbian relationship.

The result is a realistically predictable train wreck of a relationship, except in that Severin gets his homoerotic payoff, which we vaguely suspect is the point of the exercise.

It would have been nice - useful! - if Sacher-Masoch had shown how the romance could work out and had them end up in a stable Female Led Relationship with heaps of Femdom in the bedroom.

But no, the original Masochist was also an emotional masochist. On some level he wanted the disaster at the end. The novel is an articulation of his sexuality, but he doesn't appear to have learned anything in the writing of it. Go read about his life. It's excruciating.

We're left with a picture of a writer and a protagonist for whom women are just a means to an end. He wants his experience, and damn the fallout for other people.

Wanda remains herself throughout. 
But even so, one aspect of Venus in Furs is rather marvellous:

Submission - Femdom - is presented as something mythic, darkly poetic and primal.

We open with a dream vision of the Goddess Venus in furs (duh!) by the fireside. Then there's a mesmerising sequence in snow-covered parkland where Severin discovers the statue of Venus also draped in furs.

Wanda and Severin try to do Femdom for real. Wanda remains herself throughout. She doesn't have recourse to pornodomme speak ("My Divine Will shall be imposed on my Grovelling Worm of a Slave... etc").

For me, all this was as liberating as it was validating!

It took me a million miles away from the stock 1980s PVC and rubber Personal Services image of BDSM  ("have you been a  naughty boy?") and gave my sexuality back its dignity.

So I'm glad I read this book when I did, but wish I'd had something a bit more informative to read...

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
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Friday, 19 May 2017

Crap People Say About Dominants #1

Frankly, it's stupid and unhelpful to make
dominance look any more complicated
than it actually is. 
Sometimes I see something on the Internet and feel a little despair for the younger generation of kinksters, and for those older ones just finding themselves.

This particularly pernicious meme is a good example.

It implies that a "true dominant" take on some sort of paternalistic leadership role in the relationship. Not all dominants or subs actually want this!

It also doesn't really make sense. Dominant is a sexual orientation (or near as damn it). Substitute in "Gay Man" for dominant, and the meme is revealed as... special.

"Would you still be a Gay Man even if it meant that there would be absolutely no sex involved?"

I mean, really?

And what parts of the lifestyle are non-sexual? Speaking as a sub, power exchange itself is sexy, and any resulting punishments, commands, standing orders and protocol turn me on.

Frankly, it's stupid and unhelpful to make dominance look any more complicated than it actually is.

Especially if you are a sub, think twice before you pass on stuff like this.

Ask yourself whether this would encourage or discourage a young dominant from exploring his or her sexuality! 

Beyond that, I suppose its heart might be in the right place. 

There are reputed to be a lot of (mostly) men who use dominance as "just" a way to get the sex they like, and lots of it.

To me that is actual dominance: using BDSM to get what you normally couldn't or shouldn't have. For a certain kind of sub, that kind of dominant would be fantastic. The only challenge would be not giving it away for free: insisting that they use the tools of BDSM to get what they want.
"Dominants: If you don't like service
topping, please don't pretend that you do." 

However, this type of dominant is dishonest because they misrepresent themselves as more mainstream kinksters, interested in negotiation and fulfilling their partners' needs... essentially dominants who service top.

But then if your submission is all about your needs, then don't you really need a "top"? Aren't you really mostly a bottom misrepresenting yourself as a sub?

If I was less charitable, I would find this situation amusing: Fake sub encounters fake top... hilarity ensues...

A better meme might be: "Dominants: If you don't like service topping, please don't pretend that you do."

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
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Monday, 15 May 2017

24/7 Chastity: Getting my lockup right for my wife

Sometimes you don't see what's in front of your eyes. Xena, my wife of two decades, has been my mistress for about three years of Female Led Relationship. I'm still responsible for suggesting things that might please her. Even so, up until this point I've got the male chastity track a little wrong.

The Penalty Days system works great. I can only come during the week. My orgasm day is supposed to be every Monday. However, Penalty Days shift that day back - see the side bar for the end result.

The neat twist is Xena's orgasms earn me penalty days: I watch while she masturbates under the covers, 1; I get a good view while she masturbates, 2; I get to help,  3; I get to use the strapon on her, 4; and, for each set of sexy clothing she wears, 1.

That works. She loves the idea of her pleasure scaring me, and also denying mine.

However, we never quite got the actual lockup right.

We tried me being locked up as much as possible and reporting back, but she never punished me for my decisions.

We tried me asking each evening about lockup the next day, but she always erred on the side of being too reasonable.

Then we got my lovely new horribly practical custom chastity device. I'd been using cable ties up until this point. Now, however, there were keys!

We tried her having my keys, and me having to ask to unlock. This irritated her - me having to fish in her handbag and so on - but also, again, she always granted my requests.

We had one of our rare long chats about it. She said my lock up didn't mean much to her, what did it mean to me. I rambled on a bit, then conversation over.

I was perplexed, because I'd noticed that when I did the two weeks trial of the new device, she'd been particularly dominant. She'd also seemed very laid back about the possibility of me testing a permanent system. It might not mean much to her, but she seemed to enjoy the effects.

It took me two days to realise what she really needed to know was that her controlling my lockup made me more instinctively submissive to her. That didn't solve the problem of how to manage the lockup.

These days, Xena erotically, Xena is pretty much a Diva when energised, and a Hermit when tired:


Xena's Intimacy Mode Chart


I explained this system in my Vanilla Dominatrix book, but in a nutshell, my wife is not really very erotically interactive. She blows hot or cold, but never stops to play or bask in my admiration. Instead, she either rampages around unfettered in Diva Mode, being magnificently sexy and cruel, or else shuts down and just gets her way in Hermit Mode.

What she doesn't want is input from me! For example, when she whips me, she wants me to be stoical and make as little noise as possible. When she masturbates while I look on from the corner, I must kneel quietly... no groaning or squirming.

This explains why in the last couple of years she's never been that interested in whatever chastity milestone I've attained - that's all about me and the drama of my suffering. She has, however, always taken a satisfaction in my current inability to cum and my future chastity.

Most of all, she wants the certainty of things she's decided to stay decided so she doesn't have to make more decisions. Thus, for Xena, any chastity lockup system requiring constant consultation is bound to be a fail.

I had sort of  (in the way we masochists think) hoped that she might go all Diva on me: "YOU WILL STAY LOCKED HAHAHAH!" But instead, each discussion triggered her sense of responsibility, forcing her to at least consider input from me, including how long I'd already been locked etc etc.

Which is why I bought a Kitchen Safe time lock safe. We could have one brief discussion for each period and then - subject to emergencies when the safety key could come out - I'd remain locked.

I presented the box to her on Saturday night.

She considered the dial and tutted. "I'm never sure about sports. What about if you got injured running?" she said, "or at football?"

"Running's fine and I take the emergency key to football. It's in my coat with my wallet and so on, so if I ended up in an ambulance with a broken ankle I'd have it."

"But what about the paramedics?"

I shrugged. "They're used to fishing things out of people's backsides. It would be slightly embarrassing but not life changing."

"OK," she said and I got to watch as her elegant finger turned the dial. She paused to do a calculation then clicked the button. "I've given you six days and eight hours," she said, handing me the safe.

The feeling was indescribable. A kind of erotic panic, the kink equivalent of walking over one of those glass bottomed canyon bridges.

She didn't tell me her feelings.

However, she did masturbate while I watched, kneeling in the corner, thus costing me another penalty day.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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Sunday, 14 May 2017

The (highly pervertable but not designed for self-bondage) Kitchen Safe time lock safe

A time lock safe!
The Kitchen Safe is a relatively inexpensive mass market time lock safe.

That is to say, it has a lock controlled by a countdown timer.

Make no mistake. The Kitchen Safe is not designed as a self-bondage key safe.
Frequently Bought Together!

The website, which I won't link to for fear of embarrassing the no-doubt very vanilla company, makes a big thing about how the safe helps with impulse control and mental addiction.

The FAQs are full of questions about whether it will take a game controller and so on. I am certain most of their sales are for people who want to, say, lock up the chocolate cookies until 5pm the next day.
Even so, when Amazon - where I bought mine - shows us frequently bought together, guess what we see?

Because though it has many worthy, normal, vanilla uses, the Kitchen Safe is also the Holy Grail of self bondage and male chastity...

(And if you ended up on my blog because you are worried about your chocolate addiction, and don't feel comfortable with BDSM, then now really is a good time to go elsewhere!)

Monday, 8 May 2017

Unlocking a snug custom male chastity device after 2 weeks - lessons for long-term 24/7 wear

Computer simulation of the snug tube.
Mine is actually black!
 A few weeks ago, I unpacked my new Custom Chastity device, put it through the dishwasher then locked it on and handed the key to my wife (more about the device including pictures of me wearing, here).

Just over 14 days later, I removed the device. It's been more on than off ever since, so I've been able to observe the effects of different decisions.

First, a caveat: This is a custom device. It literally fits just right. It's snug but just loose enough not to cause weird skin bulges. The design makes it easy to pee, and doesn't cause abrasions. So what follows applies when all other things about the chastity device are right.


Monday, 1 May 2017

The Necessity of the Abyss Under Our Feet: The Joy of the Possibility of Taking a Kink Further Than You Want

Between Hard Limits and 
the edge of the Kinky 
Comfort Zone lies the Abyss.
Between Hard Limits and the edge of the Kinky Comfort Zone lies the Abyss.

The Abyss is the place where you really don't want to go, but can do so without any long term emotional, relationship or physical ill effects.

For me, it's a place that needs to exist in order to make the other stuff scary. For example...

The chastity device I'm wearing is good for at least two weeks and  probably practical for two months, two years and beyond.

That would be way too extreme for me, and yet I get a delicious thrill of fear from the mere technical possibility of really long term chastity.

Another example...

When I set things up so Xena can chain me in an improvised cell, much like the hero of my Bi Femdom Wife series, I always have food and water for 24 hours.

I don't want her to leave me locked overnight.

I don't want her to leave 
me locked overnight.
I really don't want her to leave me overnight then go off to work, abandoning me to eight hours, being chained in a small room with nothing to do.

However, the fact that it's means I never know for sure whether I'm spending 2 hours or 24 hours in my cell.

And it's the same for Penalty Days and Demerits.

Usually my orgasm gets delayed for a mere couple of days. However, sometimes things go wrong - like now - and I end up having to wait weeks or months.

Sometimes Xena goes beyond the accrued punishment and I endure an unexpected painful experience. And sometimes the punishment has mounted up, and I can see that experience coming and do nothing about it.

None of these are things
I would volunteer for. 
Extended chastity, days of confinement, open ended chastity and denial, intense beatings... none of these are things I would volunteer for.

I wouldn't even consent to them if we were just topping and bottoming:

"Hey Giles! Suppose I beat you until you weep, lock you in your cell for 24 hours then keep you locked and chaste for a month?"

Um.... NO!

These are not really experiences I particularly enjoy. However, the fact that they are possible and happen from time to time turns me on horribly. The genuine fear makes my life an adventure.

And that's why I like having the Abyss there, lurking beyond my Comfort Zone.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
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Friday, 28 April 2017

Designing (and Wearing) the Perfect Snug Male Chastity Device: the Details

The first attempt at a truly snug device didn't work out. However, the second one has worked out so well that I can't show you a picture of it on its own - I haven't removed it since it arrived ten days ago!

Here's a capture from the animation Lady Fox sends these to custom device clients):

You'll notice it's a really simple shape. There's also a simple hoop-shaped base ring and no rear hood. There are reasons for this...

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Day 9 of 24/7 Lockup in my new custom Custom Chastity device...

Last night I'm kneeling in my corner and making my usual report to Xena.

"You'll see my emergency seal is unbroken," I say. "That's me more than through a full cycle of all my weekly activities..."

"Yes. Well done," she says, sounding as if she means it.

That surprises me a little. I know she likes me locked, but Xena doesn't articulate about kink much, mostly because it comes from her more playful side, but partly - I think - because she doesn't like owning her darker side.

However, I'm not sure I do deserve a well done, though, since wearing this thing requires no effort whatsoever.

Penises are like breasts; the owners generally avoid bumping them against other people! So not much change of behaviour is required to avoid discovery. I also don't want her to think this is any kind of endurance test.

"The device continues to be totally practical and discrete, mistress," I say. "I can - in theory - wear this indefinitely."

"Good," she says, and there's a smug satisfaction in her tone that makes me go hard.

"I don't get anything out of the risk of discovery," I add, because I want to reassure her. "But I like not having to take it off. And I think it reminds me to be a good submissive and focus on my tasks."

"So I noticed," she says and then we move onto but me reporting on chores and professional targets.

We've been doing this for a couple of years, but in the last week she's gained a comfortable ruthlessness in her dominance. Even so, I don't earn any demerits or penalty days. She even summons me to bed before she goes to sleep. (Not like the night before when she left me in the corner and I had to wait out my default 15 minutes in the corner.)

As I lie next to her, I realise that we didn't even discuss when I might remove the device.


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
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Monday, 24 April 2017

Day 7 of 24/7 lockup in my new Custom Chastity device (quick update)

It's Monday, day seven of my 24/7 lockup.

I've jogged almost every day with no problem. I've reverted to more natural sleeping positions thanks to the lower profile. 99% of the time, when I go to pee, the slit and slot are already aligned. If not, a quick prod with fingers does the job.

Meanwhile, Xena having my key seems to have boosted her dominance. (But of that more later.)

Overall, this feels like a device I don't want to ever remove, and need not have a practical reason to during normal life.


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Saturday, 22 April 2017

Can a male chastity device change a relationship? How my wife accepted the key to keeping me in 24/7 chastity

"Just shut up and rub my feet."
(Find out how to get to this point...)
Can a chastity device change a relationship?

"I'd like a foot rub," says my wife.

It's Tuesday night and I'm kneeling in the corner in my new Custom Chastity magic locker device.

"As you wish, mistress." I say. "This new chastity device is so practical I can wear it by default. Can I talk you through the way the keys could work?"

"What?"

My timing is bad, she's had a long day at work. However, I push on. "You still have the old Holy Trainer key on your key ring. We can swap them over..."

Xena cuts me off. "I've got too many bloody keys on my ring anyway. I don't need extra."

"But..."

"Just shut up and rub my feet."

"Yes mistress," I say.

I really don't want to shut up. I do want to argue with her. It annoys me when I end up carrying the BDSM side of our Female Led Relationship, given that she enjoys it so much when she's in the mood.

When we first started with FLR and chastity using the Holy Trainer 2, I would report on my wearing and Xena would decide whether and when I could unlock the next day.

It didn't really work.

On me, the Holy Trainer was in the almost practical category. The locking superstructure subtly affected my movement, the bulge affected my choice of clothing and made it just a little harder, e.g., to slip between tables in a pub or cafe. Also, though I had managed to shower and dry in it, it was better to remove it for exercise and certainly bathing.

So there were no obvious thresholds and a lot of balancing of risk and comfort against her (real but rarely stated) desire to keep me locked.

All this was more nuanced and implied too much responsibility than she could cope with at the end of a long day when the focus was supposed to be on her. We'd have cringy "No, what do you think?" conversations, and she'd always let me unlock if I asked.

24/7 chastity is the premise of all
my Femdom erotica... 
After a while, we shifted to me being locked by default, but again, she'd always let me unlock if I asked.

The end result was a vague rule that I would be mostly locked, but with me in control of it and starting to feel like a sad perv being indulged by his long suffering wife.... even though I know from her various unguarded remarks that she likes me locked.

The Custom Chastity device I received 18 months ago changed the practicality equation. There was no need to remove it for showering or for most activities. I managed to wear it for over a month! However, though it was much more practical than the Holy Trainer, there was still a sliding scale and I didn't feel like going back to those awkward conversations. Instead, I concentrated on proving I could do marathons so that Xena would feel more comfortable with the responsibility.

This new Custom Chastity device seems to be a game changer. It conforms almost exactly to my man parts, so has minimal bulge, and it doesn't have a superstructure to jab into my pubis. (Click through for pics.)

There's also an actual physical key. Previously, I stuck with the cable ties so as to minimise the profile and cut down on the weight - a padlock would have reduced some of the practicality.

So now I have this plan to give Xena to make 24/7 chastity work for us... something she seems to want, and something that's the premise of all my Femdom erotica.

And she won't discuss it right now, even though I am desperate to.

However, we are in an FLR and so I obey her.

That night she leaves me kneeling in the corner for 15 mins after light out.

Thursday night and she's got work to do.

"Give me your keys," I say, "And I'll get rid of the extras."

Actually, there aren't any extras. There used to be a couple of spare fetter keys, but they're long gone. I remove the Holy Trainer 2 key and replace her key ring on the hook.

When I return to the bedroom, she's writing a report for the next day. I spend an hour and a half kneeling in the corner. When I curl up on my side, she looks up and says, "No, you have to kneel." I spend the next half an hour very turned on indeed as I do whenever she states a kinky preference that's clearly for her.
"No, you have to kneel."

When it's time to report, I remind her about my transgression.

"I won't demerit you this time," she says, "because we only just discovered the rule."

This, by the way, is why she doesn't generally talk about kink. Her kinky Femdom comes from her whimsical playful side that isn't really amenable to reflection or introspection. Instead, it pops out ideas and rules that she subsequently embraces.

At last, she lets me come to bed. As we lie in the dark, I blurt, "I wish you'd take my key!"

"What?" she says, "I thought that's what you were doing earlier."

I give a mental sigh. Talk about communication by smoke signals. "So you want my key?" I ask.

"Yes, now shut up and go to sleep."

And I do.

It's generally easier to talk about
objects than erotic activities
In the morning, while her coffee is brewing, I add my key to her ring. When I serve the coffee, I present her with my emergency key: a second key that's security sealed into bit of tubing. "You need to initial this."

She cheerfully initials the seal then heads off to work.

That night - last night - when it's report time, I present her with both clickers - silver for demerits, red for penalty days - plus the emergency key. "You'll notice the seal's unbroken, mistress," I say.

"So I see," she says.

And this is why the new system is going to work.

Featuring the inescapable Happy
Happy Chaste Boi Purity Device(tm)
Outside an erotic headspace, it's generally easier to talk about objects than erotic activities. Now I can in effect say, "Still locked up" and she can acknowledge it and take - or at least share -  responsibility, all without actually speaking about it directly.

Better still, she has to take an actual action - give me her keys, or at least tell me where they are - in order to permit me to unlock.  It's enough of a fuss to tip the balance in favour of saying no.

And the new device is about as good a male chastity cage as is possible (though not as good as the inescapable Happy Happy Chaste Boi Purity Device(tm) that features in most of my erotica.)

Finally, the emergency key salves her conscience and soothes her legitimate worries: I can always unlock if I really need to. The thing is to get her to take responsibility for making that a very undesirably course of action.

Ahem.

"Mistress," I say, "I think the rule is that I can break the seal for genuine emergencies only. Otherwise there needs to be a penalty so draconian it's almost unthinkable. And if I do need to unlock, but should have forseen it, then that's too bad."

"OK," she says, smirking. "Five days and five lashes."

"That's a bit pathetic." I grimace. "That doesn't really cut it."

She laughs. "How about twenty days and five lashes?"

"What? I meant that it didn't sound like enough lashes. It's the wrong way around."

"Oh," she says. "Twenty five days and twenty five lashes."

"That's not what I meant..." I trail off, feeling my cock pulse wetly in its cage. "Yes mistress," I say.

"Come to bed," she says, "I want to sit and read together.
She looks at me quizzically. "Are you going to wear it all the time now?"

"That's up to you. What are you worried about?"

"I don't want you to get caught."

"Don't worry, it's really unlikely in this device."

"Come to bed," she says, "I want to sit and read together."

And we do.


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Friday, 21 April 2017

Vanilla Dominatrix now in paperback!

Somebody emailed me asking for the Vanilla Dominatrix in paperback!

And here it is!

Click To Buy Now!
It took a while - formatting for print publication is a real pain in the ass. However, it was a labour of love. Hopefully the new format will bring female-focused Femdom to even more bedrooms across the world...


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)