Become Her Slave!

My once-vanilla wife now loves keeping me as her chaste slave. Learn how to get some Femdom in your life too!

Friday, 19 May 2017

Crap People Say About Dominants #1

Frankly, it's stupid and unhelpful to make
dominance look any more complicated
than it actually is. 
Sometimes I see something on the Internet and feel a little despair for the younger generation of kinksters, and for those older ones just finding themselves.

This particularly pernicious meme is a good example.

It implies that a "true dominant" take on some sort of paternalistic leadership role in the relationship. Not all dominants or subs actually want this!

It also doesn't really make sense. Dominant is a sexual orientation (or near as damn it). Substitute in "Gay Man" for dominant, and the meme is revealed as... special.

"Would you still be a Gay Man even if it meant that there would be absolutely no sex involved?"

I mean, really?

And what parts of the lifestyle are non-sexual? Speaking as a sub, power exchange itself is sexy, and any resulting punishments, commands, standing orders and protocol turn me on.

Frankly, it's stupid and unhelpful to make dominance look any more complicated than it actually is.

Especially if you are a sub, think twice before you pass on stuff like this.

Ask yourself whether this would encourage or discourage a young dominant from exploring his or her sexuality! 

Beyond that, I suppose its heart might be in the right place. 

There are reputed to be a lot of (mostly) men who use dominance as "just" a way to get the sex they like, and lots of it.

To me that is actual dominance: using BDSM to get what you normally couldn't or shouldn't have. For a certain kind of sub, that kind of dominant would be fantastic. The only challenge would be not giving it away for free: insisting that they use the tools of BDSM to get what they want.
"Dominants: If you don't like service
topping, please don't pretend that you do." 

However, this type of dominant is dishonest because they misrepresent themselves as more mainstream kinksters, interested in negotiation and fulfilling their partners' needs... essentially dominants who service top.

But then if your submission is all about your needs, then don't you really need a "top"? Aren't you really mostly a bottom misrepresenting yourself as a sub?

If I was less charitable, I would find this situation amusing: Fake sub encounters fake top... hilarity ensues...

A better meme might be: "Dominants: If you don't like service topping, please don't pretend that you do."

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Monday, 15 May 2017

24/7 Chastity: Getting my lockup right for my wife

Sometimes you don't see what's in front of your eyes. Xena, my wife of two decades, has been my mistress for about three years of Female Led Relationship. I'm still responsible for suggesting things that might please her. Even so, up until this point I've got the male chastity track a little wrong.

The Penalty Days system works great. I can only come during the week. My orgasm day is supposed to be every Monday. However, Penalty Days shift that day back - see the side bar for the end result.

The neat twist is Xena's orgasms earn me penalty days: I watch while she masturbates under the covers, 1; I get a good view while she masturbates, 2; I get to help,  3; I get to use the strapon on her, 4; and, for each set of sexy clothing she wears, 1.

That works. She loves the idea of her pleasure scaring me, and also denying mine.

However, we never quite got the actual lockup right.

We tried me being locked up as much as possible and reporting back, but she never punished me for my decisions.

We tried me asking each evening about lockup the next day, but she always erred on the side of being too reasonable.

Then we got my lovely new horribly practical custom chastity device. I'd been using cable ties up until this point. Now, however, there were keys!

We tried her having my keys, and me having to ask to unlock. This irritated her - me having to fish in her handbag and so on - but also, again, she always granted my requests.

We had one of our rare long chats about it. She said my lock up didn't mean much to her, what did it mean to me. I rambled on a bit, then conversation over.

I was perplexed, because I'd noticed that when I did the two weeks trial of the new device, she'd been particularly dominant. She'd also seemed very laid back about the possibility of me testing a permanent system. It might not mean much to her, but she seemed to enjoy the effects.

It took me two days to realise what she really needed to know was that her controlling my lockup made me more instinctively submissive to her. That didn't solve the problem of how to manage the lockup.

These days, Xena erotically, Xena is pretty much a Diva when energised, and a Hermit when tired:

Xena's Intimacy Mode Chart

I explained this system in my Vanilla Dominatrix book, but in a nutshell, my wife is not really very erotically interactive. She blows hot or cold, but never stops to play or bask in my admiration. Instead, she either rampages around unfettered in Diva Mode, being magnificently sexy and cruel, or else shuts down and just gets her way in Hermit Mode.

What she doesn't want is input from me! For example, when she whips me, she wants me to be stoical and make as little noise as possible. When she masturbates while I look on from the corner, I must kneel quietly... no groaning or squirming.

This explains why in the last couple of years she's never been that interested in whatever chastity milestone I've attained - that's all about me and the drama of my suffering. She has, however, always taken a satisfaction in my current inability to cum and my future chastity.

Most of all, she wants the certainty of things she's decided to stay decided so she doesn't have to make more decisions. Thus, for Xena, any chastity lockup system requiring constant consultation is bound to be a fail.

I had sort of  (in the way we masochists think) hoped that she might go all Diva on me: "YOU WILL STAY LOCKED HAHAHAH!" But instead, each discussion triggered her sense of responsibility, forcing her to at least consider input from me, including how long I'd already been locked etc etc.

Which is why I bought a Kitchen Safe time lock safe. We could have one brief discussion for each period and then - subject to emergencies when the safety key could come out - I'd remain locked.

I presented the box to her on Saturday night.

She considered the dial and tutted. "I'm never sure about sports. What about if you got injured running?" she said, "or at football?"

"Running's fine and I take the emergency key to football. It's in my coat with my wallet and so on, so if I ended up in an ambulance with a broken ankle I'd have it."

"But what about the paramedics?"

I shrugged. "They're used to fishing things out of people's backsides. It would be slightly embarrassing but not life changing."

"OK," she said and I got to watch as her elegant finger turned the dial. She paused to do a calculation then clicked the button. "I've given you six days and eight hours," she said, handing me the safe.

The feeling was indescribable. A kind of erotic panic, the kink equivalent of walking over one of those glass bottomed canyon bridges.

She didn't tell me her feelings.

However, she did masturbate while I watched, kneeling in the corner, thus costing me another penalty day.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
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Sunday, 14 May 2017

The (highly pervertable but not designed for self-bondage) Kitchen Safe time lock safe

A time lock safe!
The Kitchen Safe is a relatively inexpensive mass market time lock safe.

That is to say, it has a lock controlled by a countdown timer.

Make no mistake. The Kitchen Safe is not designed as a self-bondage key safe.
Frequently Bought Together!

The website, which I won't link to for fear of embarrassing the no-doubt very vanilla company, makes a big thing about how the safe helps with impulse control and mental addiction.

The FAQs are full of questions about whether it will take a game controller and so on. I am certain most of their sales are for people who want to, say, lock up the chocolate cookies until 5pm the next day.
Even so, when Amazon - where I bought mine - shows us frequently bought together, guess what we see?

Because though it has many worthy, normal, vanilla uses, the Kitchen Safe is also the Holy Grail of self bondage and male chastity...

(And if you ended up on my blog because you are worried about your chocolate addiction, and don't feel comfortable with BDSM, then now really is a good time to go elsewhere!)

Monday, 8 May 2017

Unlocking a snug custom male chastity device after 2 weeks - lessons for long-term 24/7 wear

Computer simulation of the snug tube.
Mine is actually black!
 A few weeks ago, I unpacked my new Custom Chastity device, put it through the dishwasher then locked it on and handed the key to my wife (more about the device including pictures of me wearing, here).

Just over 14 days later, I removed the device. It's been more on than off ever since, so I've been able to observe the effects of different decisions.

First, a caveat: This is a custom device. It literally fits just right. It's snug but just loose enough not to cause weird skin bulges. The design makes it easy to pee, and doesn't cause abrasions. So what follows applies when all other things about the chastity device are right.

Monday, 1 May 2017

The Necessity of the Abyss Under Our Feet: The Joy of the Possibility of Taking a Kink Further Than You Want

Between Hard Limits and 
the edge of the Kinky 
Comfort Zone lies the Abyss.
Between Hard Limits and the edge of the Kinky Comfort Zone lies the Abyss.

The Abyss is the place where you really don't want to go, but can do so without any long term emotional, relationship or physical ill effects.

For me, it's a place that needs to exist in order to make the other stuff scary. For example...

The chastity device I'm wearing is good for at least two weeks and  probably practical for two months, two years and beyond.

That would be way too extreme for me, and yet I get a delicious thrill of fear from the mere technical possibility of really long term chastity.

Another example...

When I set things up so Xena can chain me in an improvised cell, much like the hero of my Bi Femdom Wife series, I always have food and water for 24 hours.

I don't want her to leave me locked overnight.

I don't want her to leave 
me locked overnight.
I really don't want her to leave me overnight then go off to work, abandoning me to eight hours, being chained in a small room with nothing to do.

However, the fact that it's means I never know for sure whether I'm spending 2 hours or 24 hours in my cell.

And it's the same for Penalty Days and Demerits.

Usually my orgasm gets delayed for a mere couple of days. However, sometimes things go wrong - like now - and I end up having to wait weeks or months.

Sometimes Xena goes beyond the accrued punishment and I endure an unexpected painful experience. And sometimes the punishment has mounted up, and I can see that experience coming and do nothing about it.

None of these are things
I would volunteer for. 
Extended chastity, days of confinement, open ended chastity and denial, intense beatings... none of these are things I would volunteer for.

I wouldn't even consent to them if we were just topping and bottoming:

"Hey Giles! Suppose I beat you until you weep, lock you in your cell for 24 hours then keep you locked and chaste for a month?"

Um.... NO!

These are not really experiences I particularly enjoy. However, the fact that they are possible and happen from time to time turns me on horribly. The genuine fear makes my life an adventure.

And that's why I like having the Abyss there, lurking beyond my Comfort Zone.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Friday, 28 April 2017

Designing (and Wearing) the Perfect Snug Male Chastity Device: the Details

The first attempt at a truly snug device didn't work out. However, the second one has worked out so well that I can't show you a picture of it on its own - I haven't removed it since it arrived ten days ago!

Here's a capture from the animation Lady Fox sends these to custom device clients):

You'll notice it's a really simple shape. There's also a simple hoop-shaped base ring and no rear hood. There are reasons for this...

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Day 9 of 24/7 Lockup in my new custom Custom Chastity device...

Last night I'm kneeling in my corner and making my usual report to Xena.

"You'll see my emergency seal is unbroken," I say. "That's me more than through a full cycle of all my weekly activities..."

"Yes. Well done," she says, sounding as if she means it.

That surprises me a little. I know she likes me locked, but Xena doesn't articulate about kink much, mostly because it comes from her more playful side, but partly - I think - because she doesn't like owning her darker side.

However, I'm not sure I do deserve a well done, though, since wearing this thing requires no effort whatsoever.

Penises are like breasts; the owners generally avoid bumping them against other people! So not much change of behaviour is required to avoid discovery. I also don't want her to think this is any kind of endurance test.

"The device continues to be totally practical and discrete, mistress," I say. "I can - in theory - wear this indefinitely."

"Good," she says, and there's a smug satisfaction in her tone that makes me go hard.

"I don't get anything out of the risk of discovery," I add, because I want to reassure her. "But I like not having to take it off. And I think it reminds me to be a good submissive and focus on my tasks."

"So I noticed," she says and then we move onto but me reporting on chores and professional targets.

We've been doing this for a couple of years, but in the last week she's gained a comfortable ruthlessness in her dominance. Even so, I don't earn any demerits or penalty days. She even summons me to bed before she goes to sleep. (Not like the night before when she left me in the corner and I had to wait out my default 15 minutes in the corner.)

As I lie next to her, I realise that we didn't even discuss when I might remove the device.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Monday, 24 April 2017

Day 7 of 24/7 lockup in my new Custom Chastity device (quick update)

It's Monday, day seven of my 24/7 lockup.

I've jogged almost every day with no problem. I've reverted to more natural sleeping positions thanks to the lower profile. 99% of the time, when I go to pee, the slit and slot are already aligned. If not, a quick prod with fingers does the job.

Meanwhile, Xena having my key seems to have boosted her dominance. (But of that more later.)

Overall, this feels like a device I don't want to ever remove, and need not have a practical reason to during normal life.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Saturday, 22 April 2017

Can a male chastity device change a relationship? How my wife accepted the key to keeping me in 24/7 chastity

"Just shut up and rub my feet."
(Find out how to get to this point...)
Can a chastity device change a relationship?

"I'd like a foot rub," says my wife.

It's Tuesday night and I'm kneeling in the corner in my new Custom Chastity magic locker device.

"As you wish, mistress." I say. "This new chastity device is so practical I can wear it by default. Can I talk you through the way the keys could work?"


My timing is bad, she's had a long day at work. However, I push on. "You still have the old Holy Trainer key on your key ring. We can swap them over..."

Xena cuts me off. "I've got too many bloody keys on my ring anyway. I don't need extra."


"Just shut up and rub my feet."

"Yes mistress," I say.

I really don't want to shut up. I do want to argue with her. It annoys me when I end up carrying the BDSM side of our Female Led Relationship, given that she enjoys it so much when she's in the mood.

When we first started with FLR and chastity using the Holy Trainer 2, I would report on my wearing and Xena would decide whether and when I could unlock the next day.

It didn't really work.

On me, the Holy Trainer was in the almost practical category. The locking superstructure subtly affected my movement, the bulge affected my choice of clothing and made it just a little harder, e.g., to slip between tables in a pub or cafe. Also, though I had managed to shower and dry in it, it was better to remove it for exercise and certainly bathing.

So there were no obvious thresholds and a lot of balancing of risk and comfort against her (real but rarely stated) desire to keep me locked.

All this was more nuanced and implied too much responsibility than she could cope with at the end of a long day when the focus was supposed to be on her. We'd have cringy "No, what do you think?" conversations, and she'd always let me unlock if I asked.

24/7 chastity is the premise of all
my Femdom erotica... 
After a while, we shifted to me being locked by default, but again, she'd always let me unlock if I asked.

The end result was a vague rule that I would be mostly locked, but with me in control of it and starting to feel like a sad perv being indulged by his long suffering wife.... even though I know from her various unguarded remarks that she likes me locked.

The Custom Chastity device I received 18 months ago changed the practicality equation. There was no need to remove it for showering or for most activities. I managed to wear it for over a month! However, though it was much more practical than the Holy Trainer, there was still a sliding scale and I didn't feel like going back to those awkward conversations. Instead, I concentrated on proving I could do marathons so that Xena would feel more comfortable with the responsibility.

This new Custom Chastity device seems to be a game changer. It conforms almost exactly to my man parts, so has minimal bulge, and it doesn't have a superstructure to jab into my pubis. (Click through for pics.)

There's also an actual physical key. Previously, I stuck with the cable ties so as to minimise the profile and cut down on the weight - a padlock would have reduced some of the practicality.

So now I have this plan to give Xena to make 24/7 chastity work for us... something she seems to want, and something that's the premise of all my Femdom erotica.

And she won't discuss it right now, even though I am desperate to.

However, we are in an FLR and so I obey her.

That night she leaves me kneeling in the corner for 15 mins after light out.

Thursday night and she's got work to do.

"Give me your keys," I say, "And I'll get rid of the extras."

Actually, there aren't any extras. There used to be a couple of spare fetter keys, but they're long gone. I remove the Holy Trainer 2 key and replace her key ring on the hook.

When I return to the bedroom, she's writing a report for the next day. I spend an hour and a half kneeling in the corner. When I curl up on my side, she looks up and says, "No, you have to kneel." I spend the next half an hour very turned on indeed as I do whenever she states a kinky preference that's clearly for her.
"No, you have to kneel."

When it's time to report, I remind her about my transgression.

"I won't demerit you this time," she says, "because we only just discovered the rule."

This, by the way, is why she doesn't generally talk about kink. Her kinky Femdom comes from her whimsical playful side that isn't really amenable to reflection or introspection. Instead, it pops out ideas and rules that she subsequently embraces.

At last, she lets me come to bed. As we lie in the dark, I blurt, "I wish you'd take my key!"

"What?" she says, "I thought that's what you were doing earlier."

I give a mental sigh. Talk about communication by smoke signals. "So you want my key?" I ask.

"Yes, now shut up and go to sleep."

And I do.

It's generally easier to talk about
objects than erotic activities
In the morning, while her coffee is brewing, I add my key to her ring. When I serve the coffee, I present her with my emergency key: a second key that's security sealed into bit of tubing. "You need to initial this."

She cheerfully initials the seal then heads off to work.

That night - last night - when it's report time, I present her with both clickers - silver for demerits, red for penalty days - plus the emergency key. "You'll notice the seal's unbroken, mistress," I say.

"So I see," she says.

And this is why the new system is going to work.

Featuring the inescapable Happy
Happy Chaste Boi Purity Device(tm)
Outside an erotic headspace, it's generally easier to talk about objects than erotic activities. Now I can in effect say, "Still locked up" and she can acknowledge it and take - or at least share -  responsibility, all without actually speaking about it directly.

Better still, she has to take an actual action - give me her keys, or at least tell me where they are - in order to permit me to unlock.  It's enough of a fuss to tip the balance in favour of saying no.

And the new device is about as good a male chastity cage as is possible (though not as good as the inescapable Happy Happy Chaste Boi Purity Device(tm) that features in most of my erotica.)

Finally, the emergency key salves her conscience and soothes her legitimate worries: I can always unlock if I really need to. The thing is to get her to take responsibility for making that a very undesirably course of action.


"Mistress," I say, "I think the rule is that I can break the seal for genuine emergencies only. Otherwise there needs to be a penalty so draconian it's almost unthinkable. And if I do need to unlock, but should have forseen it, then that's too bad."

"OK," she says, smirking. "Five days and five lashes."

"That's a bit pathetic." I grimace. "That doesn't really cut it."

She laughs. "How about twenty days and five lashes?"

"What? I meant that it didn't sound like enough lashes. It's the wrong way around."

"Oh," she says. "Twenty five days and twenty five lashes."

"That's not what I meant..." I trail off, feeling my cock pulse wetly in its cage. "Yes mistress," I say.

"Come to bed," she says, "I want to sit and read together.
She looks at me quizzically. "Are you going to wear it all the time now?"

"That's up to you. What are you worried about?"

"I don't want you to get caught."

"Don't worry, it's really unlikely in this device."

"Come to bed," she says, "I want to sit and read together."

And we do.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Friday, 21 April 2017

Vanilla Dominatrix now in paperback!

Somebody emailed me asking for the Vanilla Dominatrix in paperback!

And here it is!

Click To Buy Now!
It took a while - formatting for print publication is a real pain in the ass. However, it was a labour of love. Hopefully the new format will bring female-focused Femdom to even more bedrooms across the world...

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

A first look at the new Magic Lock Custom Chastity device! (including pics of me wearing it)

Today, for the first time ever, my wife went to work with the key to my chastity device, leaving me locked in with the emergency key sealed away for real emergencies. She could do this because there is no routine practical reason for taking off the device.

Yes, Custom Chastity have produced a "magic lock" male chastity device. They sent it to me to review and I'm wearing it right now!

I can't show you a picture of it without me wearing it because when it arrived I hurriedly put it through the dishwasher then locked myself into it. That was Tuesday - today's Friday - and I haven't taken it off since.

Look, here I am!

Yes, really. I'm wearing it under tight stretchy trousers. Look again...

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

Ask Giles: How do I spot a sexually dominant woman in real life? (Rather than in clubs or munches.)

This one came up on Reddit but given how heated people get, I'm answering here.

Short answer: "You can't!"

Long answer: "You can!"

The short answer - the one people yell - is, "you can't". This is because:

  • Outside certain counter-cultures, sexually dominant women don't generally broadcast their preferences (because it can be inconvenient and because sex is private anyway).
  • There's no certain link between kink and personality.
  • Not all women who would enjoy Femdom have tried it or are even aware that the option might work for them.

People then go on to urge the poster to come to munches etc. Alas, not everybody wants to, or can, get involved in the Fetish scene.

However, the long answer is more positive but requires more work.

There is no guaranteed equivalent of gaydar (dommedar?). Even so, you can spot the women who, in the right circumstances, might potentially routinely enjoy dominating you.

If you are a sub, generally these are the women you are already going out with!

Seriously! Back in pre-scene, pre-Internet days, I had something like a 60% success rate at getting girlfriends to dominate me.

This works for two reasons:

First, as long as you are not dating in reaction to your kinks - e.g. picking out sweet submissive girls in order to reassure yourself of your masculinity - then there's a good chance that your instinctive choice is the right one. The links between kink and personality may be obscure, but they must exist on some level.

Second, most people enjoy being in charge and getting their way from time to time!

Rather than asking who to ask, you should be considering when and how to ask, and what for. The short answers are, "early", "honestly without making a fuss", and "extensions of vanilla activities she already enjoys".

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Monday, 10 April 2017

So what would BDSM liberation look like?

In my ideal personal environment...
I just asked on Reddit, because frankly I don't know the answer.

In my ideal personal environment, after mandatory counselling, we would be able to register our FLR. Xena would be legally protected from assault charges and have certain boilerplate rights over me, some coercive and perhaps enforced by 3rd parties, e.g. creating the legally inescapable chastity device.

Certainly, we would be able to be open about our relationship. I would wear a permanent collar, and I would be able to use the urinals in public toilets without anybody remarking on my chastity device.

However, I don't really see how this could be generalised. There are some irresolvable issues:

Protection from abuse versus the right to consent to BDSM, since outsiders can't tell the difference and - to be honest - even kinky folk wander into grey areas.

Legal recognition of power exchange contracts versus not wanting to legalise slavery, since the former is effectively the latter.

Self expression versus the consent of bystanders, since some sexual self expression potentially exploits bystanders, and some aspects of BDSM are very visceral and unfair to impose on outsiders.

Let's see if my Reddit posting generates some solutions...

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Thursday, 6 April 2017

Being kinky doesn't make us queer, but kinksters are still oppressed

The illusion of choice.
(We don't have a choice,either.)
There's a nice article by Carolyn Yates in AutoStraddle : Being Kinky Doesn’t Make You Queer.

She makes a valid point: queer and kinky have resonances, but are distinct and we shouldn't blur the terminology.

However, much of the article seems taken up with making a distinction between (a) transgressing normative gender and gender preferences, which is queer and OK to do in public, and (b) transgressing normative power relations, which is kink and not OK to do in public.

The implication is that queer is real and nice but kink is just a game and nasty.

In particular I disagree with this:
But you can hide your kinks. And, in public spaces, with non-participants present, you should. Kink involves consent.
So, being out in public is automatically a consent violation? 

I find that preposterous.
Sure, it's a consent violation if you force your intimacy on other people or use them as an audience. But that's also true for vanilla couples of all orientations as well: e.g. fucking on a park bench on a Sunday afternoon while people were out with their families is wrong whatever your preferences.

However, things like wearing a collar or using verbal protocol - if that's what you do at home - are no more a consent violation than two men holding hands. (That doesn't make these wise activities.)

The illusion perpetrated by the article is that kinksters have a choice, that we can opt in or out of our orientation. 

She conflates the persecution suffered by queer people with the opt-in, opt-out activities with which we kinksters express out dynamics:
As a kinky person, you can opt in, you can opt out, you can play, you can exchange, you can give, you can take, you can end it at any time. Power is everywhere, whether or not you’re practicing power play. It is yours to leave or to take. But as a queer person, you can’t opt into or out of those systems of power. You can’t end them at any time. There’s no safeword for your parents kicking you out before you’ve finished high school. For your new grandma-in-law getting homophobic and transphobic at your wedding reception.
Yes, it's easier to be kinky than queer since it's easier and way less inconvenient to hide. 
Repressing our sexuality
also has consequences

Yes, queer rights are a much, much, more pressing issue than kink rights. I'm happy to be at the back of the queue.

However, we don't actually have a choice about being kinky, and repressing our sexuality has consequences similar to those suffered by all those closeted  queer folk of yesteryear: wasted lives, collateral damage to straight spouses, stress, illness, dysfunctional relationships, compartmentalisation...

Ours is still a love that dare not speak its name. 
In an ideal world, people would wear their collars, call their partner "Sir/Madam" and nobody would bat an eyelid. 

In a slightly less ideal, but still better, world, being outed as a kinkster would have no professional or personal consequences.

We don't live in either of those worlds now. I doubt we ever will. 

Ours is still a love that dare not speak its name. The ease of concealment does not detract from the fact there are still consequences if that concealment fails.

So, we kinksters will always be an oppressed sexual minority. At the very least, this should make us sensitive to LGBTQ rights. It would also be nice if some of that sensitivity would flow both ways. 

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Thursday, 23 March 2017

Why the Hermione and Ron marriage would work - Feminism and asymmetric relationships

Champion/Commander - a perfect pairing!
(NSFW If you've wandered in here from google, be warned that this blog is mostly about kinky sex and Femdom.) 

So JK Rowling - a woman who married a younger, less famous man who we hope supports her career! - regrets pairing Hermione and Ron.

A proportion of fandom agrees with her: Harry and Hermione should have been together.

This is just plain wrong. Stable relationships don't tend to work like that.

(And there's a Feminist angle on this too, but we'll get to that.)

The only reason we can't readily see this is because Ginny Weasley doesn't get much screen - or page - time, so Harry Potter's romantic conclusion is a bit of a blank.

What would a Harry/Hermione marriage be be like? 

H: "How was your day, honey?"
H: "I did important stuff and now feel drained and grumpy."
H: "Me too."
H: "How are the kids?"
H: "I haven't seen them yet. I've been too busy."
H: "Me too. What were there names?"
H: "So shall we just brood separately this evening?"
H: "Sure."

A complete disaster!

"So shall we just brood
separately this evening?"
Ron on the other hand?

Ron Weasley is a pillar of strength and no wimp either. He's a regular hero, but he's a hero devoted to Hermione. Where she goes, he'll follow.

He'll also make her laugh, pop her serious bubble, and roughhouse with the kids. Where she has intellect, he has emotional intelligence.

Where she is sensible, he is playful.

Both are wise in their own way.

R: "How was your day, honey?"
H: "I did important stuff and now feel drained and grumpy."
R: "Well George and I came up with a new invisible delayed action fart bomb."
H: (Laughs) "How are the kids?"
R: "Making mud sculptures with their wands right now."
SFX: Sound of magic making mud splattering. Children giggle.
H: "I'll change then go take a look."
R: "So Friday night. Shall we go dancing?"
H: "Um. I'm tired but....(grins)... what the hell, you only live once."

How can they not be the perfect match? the bedroom it can come
out as dominance and submission,
though it need not.
Most people sit on a spectrum between what I call Commanders and Champions.

Neither is weak or worthless, one tends to take control and the other to support.

Once has the vision, the other refines and embraces it.

Both have their roles to play: every King Arthur needs his Sir Lancelot.

Harry and Hermione are clearly both Commanders, and Ron is pretty clearly a Champion.

And all the stable marriages I've observed are Commander/Champion pairings (though these are relative positions within the relationship, not absolute.)

In terms or respect and worth, and negotiating position, these are equal marriages. In terms of leadership, they are asymmetric, and that asymmetry can go in either direction.

And of course, in the bedroom it can come out as dominance and submission, though it need not.

Despite a century or so of Feminism, we're still not surprised by a relationship that revolves around the male partner. tends to take control
and the other to support. 
Male Led Relationships are still a cultural default. Female Led Relationships - even though they've always been with us - are still not regarded as a conscious and mature choice for a powerful woman... "Oh look she picked a weaker man", as if strength had anything to do with it.

Imagine if the genders were flipped?

Serious, powerful Herman married playful but fiercely supportive red-haired Rona? 

It would make perfect sense. We'd even talk affectionately about, "...bubbly Rona who always brings Herman out of his shell".

So let's praise the Harry Potter stories for being able to depict male-female friendship, and for not having Harry and Hermione drift into a weird stormy on-off relationship based on mutual admiration rather than compatibility.

And let's ditch the sexism and accept that it's OK for a commanding woman like Hermione to pick a life partner who will revolve around her, making both their lives better.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Friday, 10 March 2017

3 crap things people say about sexual submission

For all that a lot of male subs are crap, it's not helped by the crap that people say about sexual submission. Here are three memes that bug me:
Ultimately, nothing happens
without the dominant

1. The submissive is really the one in control

This is an old one.

It's guaranteed to be off-putting for young dominants - guess what, you're a service provider! - and a poor guide to behaviour for subs.

I'm guessing it has its origins in the early BDSM world of pro-dommes, where it still makes approximate sense. Otherwise, it feels like a wilfully... twee misreading of the situation, desperately trying to make sadomasochism into something nice and affirming.

Of course, the sub has - must have - the ability to pull the plug at any moment. However, a veto is not the same thing as control.

Ultimately, nothing happens without the dominant, and the minimum requirement for D/s is a pro-active dominant and a consenting sub.

2. A submissive is just a strong person looking for somebody stronger

A strong submissive nurturing their
more vulnerable dominant.
This one is so toxic it's hard to untangle!

It paints the submissive as a tragic figure whose strength masks weakness: Look, I'm so strong that my strength is a burden.... I've gone on so long... To me that feels vaguely passive aggressive.

However, its worst sin is that it conflates relative emotional strength with relationship dominance. 

This is misinformation.

It discounts the possibility of a strong submissive championing and nurturing their more vulnerable dominant. Its implied advice for emotionally strong submissives is about as useful as telling a tall woman to look for an even taller man. It also obscures the risk of being drawn into vanilla submission to a weaker but emotionally person. Finally, it paints the D/s relationship as vaguely paternal/maternal (how patronising and unattractive for many dominants ) and implies that a proper dominant must be strong all the time.

The truth is, dominance and submission are relationship orientations or preferences. If there is a correlation with relative emotional strength, it is only a weak one.

3. It takes strength to submit

 It takes strength not to submit.
No it doesn't. It takes strength not to submit.

OK, at first it takes strength to transgress gender roles and vanilla norms. And perhaps some submissive acts require emotional or physical bravery (though that line of argument seems disingenuous, since many of us enjoy being scared).

However, people with a strong submissive streak spend most of our lives submitting one way or another, while seeking out actual kinky dynamics.

We drift into orbiting other individuals, sometimes appropriately, often not. It's where devoted PAs and doormat spouses come from. It's what drives unrequited love and maintains the friend zone. Understanding and embracing erotic submission often comes as a relief since it actually provides a safer outlet for such urges.

If we don't have a dominant partner, we put vast effort into trying to find or make one, even surreptitiously through stealth submission.

Perhaps submission makes us stronger. Having our needs met plugs a chink in our armour. Weathering all sorts of BDSM experiences and coming out whole can make us feel social indestructible  - once you've licked cum off a boot, there's not much in the vanilla world that can truly embarrass us.

Even so, it really doesn't require strength to submit.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Wednesday, 8 March 2017

Thoughts on Feminism and Femdom for International Women's Day

Vanilla culture treats dominant
women as alluring but daunting
Dominant women are sexy in a primal way.

Vanilla culture treats dominant women as alluring but daunting, flames attracting orbiting moths.

Unfortunately, vanilla culture doesn't know what to do with dominant women. be tamed, defeated, or shown
their place...
In movies, they still exist to be tamed, defeated, tragically slain, or shown their place... which is odd since the ending always destroys the very thing that the makes them sexy.

In Notting Hill, for example, Julie Roberts's movie star spends the story trying to submit to Hugh Grant's mild mannered bookseller. (Wouldn't it have been better if, at the end, she'd said: "You know the problem? I'm a Hollywood star. I really need a supportive wife." And he'd said, "OK. I can do that.")

...good for an onscreen tumble
These days, dominant women are good for an onscreen tumble, but - with honourable exceptions like Castle -  screenwriters have difficulty imagining what an actual (implicit) female led relationship would look like.

However, the nice thing about vanilla culture is that it treats a woman's dominance as an innate attribute, one that can be dialled up or down, but one that is still innate.

Ironically, BDSM culture, which does know what to do with dominant women, often seems to do everything it can to avoid admitting that the dominance is real.

No latex comfort blanket.
In much of BDSM culture (as it appears online), dominance is fetishwear mantle a woman can put on at the request of her lover. It's a performance that she can learn at workshops. Or it's the result of her ability to manipulate through sex.  Or it's a scripted simulation based on detailed negotiation.

That candle and moth scenario?

There's no flame. The moths are circling the sexy lampshade. Or, yes, they are circling a flame, but only because the moths are tied to a thread with just the right knots, or because the flame is flickering just right, or because it's in the script.

It's easy to see why. 

Femdom transgresses traditional gender roles. Put bluntly, she gets to be bad, he gets to be a wimp. It must often be psychologically - culturally! - easier on both parties to pretend the action is for his benefit, and that there is no real power exchange. 

It's a shame though. 

It would be nice if Femdom culture could lead the way: shed the latex comfort blanket and embrace the idea of a dominant woman being sexually dominant and still being herself, and that being OK. 

Fellow male subs. Let go! You have
nothing to lose but your
self entitlement...
Femdom isn't automatically feminist, or good for Feminism. However, as I've argued elsewhere, this kind of authentic or "hard" Femdom is empowering for the women involved - my wife would certainly tell you this if she weren't too busy being an executive - and also expands the range of culturally acceptable behaviour out in the vanilla world.

That doesn't mean that male hard submissives like me deserve a medal "for heroic self-sacrifice to the Feminist cause". Our reward is simply better, more intense, Femdom.

Fellow male subs. Let go! You have nothing to lose but your self entitlement...

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Monday, 27 February 2017

Mistress Butterfly: A horrible thought about subs and dommes

Are dominant women trapped in the Victorian
fallen woman experience?
I read Ava's post on Things Subs Say and wanted to box some ears. Particularly over this bit (my cuts):
You thought this was something different than it was. You were a way to get it out of my system... You’re not relationship material. You’re part of my private life, not my real life. You were just a fantasy... You were someone I didn’t have to pay. You’re just one thing I wanted to try.
What if, I thought, men treated Romantic Love the same way?

What if only some women were considered available for Romantic Love? What if romantic and mainstream culture colluded to treat them as at least potential sex workers?

What if elaborate artificial courtship rituals were established, ones that loudly proclaimed the woman's romantic power while demonstrating the man's actual material power?

 What if her role were "performative"? Posturing, heightened emotional display and exaggerated costume mandatory, fuzzy slippers forbidden?

What if suitors entered a different headspace, over-promised, over-committed, then walked away and thought that was OK because: "Love is just a game, right? You shouldn't have taken me so seriously."

I was going to write a satire piece, only I realised: we've already seen this world in the great romantic operas of the 19th century.

Fuzzy slippers forbidden...

I've often said that our culture traps male subs in the 1950s gay male experience: the tyranny of traditional masculinity forces us into denial and compartmentalisation with inevitable blow back and collateral damage.

However, I now see that male subs are trapping dominant women in the Victorian fallen woman experience.

Go read Ava's whole post.  A few word substitutions and it could come from La Traviata or Madame Butterfly.

It's the same damn things at work.

The man operates outside his privileged respectable world, but carries practical and assumed male privilege with him.

Dominant woman's edition? Ugh.
The woman is the Other whether she likes it or not.

Her availability for the desired mode of relationship makes her special, but also an expendable, deniable, outsider, and a liability to male reputation.

Just like the 19th-century mistress, those things that make a dominant woman desirable are also those things that can be used to rationalise rejecting her.

I am seriously unimpressed by the state of male subs. And yet, I grieve for them. We really do need another round of sexual revolution, one that confronts and embraces the different dynamics people need. I'm damned if I know how to help this along.

In the mean time, I have a horrible feeling that dominant women might do well to adopt retro dating strategies to filter out the lightweights and the fantasists - a horrible retrograde thought. Ugh.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Saturday, 25 February 2017

Experimenting with a snug male chastity device – the perils of turtling and morning wood

Getting smaller!
Most of us chastity fetishists crave a device that fits like a glove, and that can be worn 24/7/365/??.

One out of two is good! I’ve been wearing my custom Custom Chastity device by default for a year now.

It comes off for reasons of practicality and (sometimes) good taste. However, I’ve worn it for over a week at a stretch without being aware of the passage of time. As in, "Oh I haven't unlocked for a week."

I’ve also done a whole month with no bad effects … though that was more mentally wearing because, though the device is comfortable and hygienic, it’s still a lumpy thing locked to my genitals, meaning I have to take a little care not to be caught out.

Left to right: Snug CC, regular CC,
HT2, then CC prototype in front.
So I'm pretty sure I could  wear my Custom Chastity device for a year straight if it were practical.

Even, so I really do crave a chastity device that fits like a glove.

Of course it’s a kink thing – we chastity fetishists want to feel tightly locked.

However, it’s also a practical thing. A truly snug device really would be invisible under clothing. In theory, at least, the urethra would also always be automatically lined up with the pee slot.

Custom Chastity prototype
So I challenged Lady Fox of Custom Chastity to produce something really very close fitting.

She was keen to experiment with a willing subject. On my part, I was overjoyed to be able to experiment at all, because custom-made male chastity devices – especially high-spec surgical nylon ones - are not cheap.

I took careful measurements using a proper set of calipers and she produced a prototype – she uses a brittle white plastic these days, which gives you a much more exact match to the final product.

The prototype really did fit like a glove. 

(Go no further if you prefer not to see a picture of me wearing the final product.)

Friday, 20 January 2017

Are BDSM fantasies good when you do them for real? Would I do the things in my books?

My erotica takes me to darkly kinky places.
(Click here to download this book.)
My erotica takes me to darkly kinky places.

I'd like to claim that they are all escapist BDSM fantasies, not manifestos.

However, I didn't honestly expect to enjoy any of the intense kinky things that are now part of my life.

Back when I was young, I liked getting tied up and edged. There was a clear sensual benefit - long plateau phase followed by powerful orgasm. The other stuff I filed under "fantasy".

I mean, who would really want to be whipped hard? (Me, actually.) Or to spend hours kneeling being ignored? Or chained up in a cell? Or slaving away at domestic service? Or to spend weeks or months locked in chastity?

So I worked on ways to simulate these experiences, either nerfing them - soft whips, just a 30 mins chained or in chastity -- or roleplaying that they were true - "Hah! Slave! I condemn you to eternal chastity! Bwahahaha!"

Neither approaches felt particularly satisfying. Nor did either work well with partners.

Most people aren't talented actors or good at improvised role playing. Moreover, all that simulating required my partners to drop into the role of facilitator, certainly hard work, but also not really compatible with the dominant personalities of the women I tended to date (and have now married).

So gradually, partly by accident, I started experiencing my fantasies for real.
I started experiencing my
fantasies for real.
(Find out how!)

I am now routinely whipped hard enough to make me squeal, long enough for me to want it to stop, and though "enjoyment" isn't the right word, I'm certainly happy that it's part of my life. The effect is exactly what I imagined: thrilling fear, deep submission, intense sensations, loss of self....

I've knelt for hours at a time, and spent entire evenings chained in a makeshift cell. Again, it had the effect I imagined: I was deliciously frustrated, wonderfully relaxed, scarily powerless, deeply surrendered.

Then there's extended chastity... it seems odd, but it's an awesome experience I could not however undergo without being forced to. My sensuality is expanded, my plateau phase extended, my submission deeper and more acknowledged, my power exchange relationship more ever-present.

Finally, our Female Led Relationship, which a few years ago I would have dismissed as a foolish fantasy, but which now makes us both so happy.

And here I am, churning out books about men who are permanently enslaved and condemned to permanent chastity with permanent orgasm denial. Whose wives or girlfriends cuckold them with other women. Who descend into total power exchange.

Who would really want to be
whipped hard? (Me, actually.)
It really feels like a slippery slope!

So, how do you tell what BDSM fantasies would work out for real, not just in your head when you masturbate?

I think it's down to realism and consequences.

Realism is the gatekeeper. If your fantasy is not realistic, then it's not going to work out in practice.

Some fantasies are clearly not realistic. People into being eaten in the non-cunnilingus sense, are usually aware that the sensations they imagine are not the ones they would experience. Less reflective men who hack off their own man parts for erotic reasons are often surprised to find it hurts.

Some fantasies are also unrealistic if you research them. For example, long periods tightly bound are impractical because of cramp (and thrombosis!) and because of the need to pee. There are similar problems with stress positions or being human furniture. Days of intense 24/7 Femdom would also be too physically draining for most participants.

Realism is the gatekeeper. 
Most detailed just-so fantasies are hard to replicate in practice. Real people aren't telepathic so can't guarantee on getting inside your head to play you like a musical instrument, or do things with the right intensity at just the right moment.

And of course, some kinky behaviour doesn't produce the desired response in other people. Public sissy-style cross-dressing may trigger polite indifference, rather than humiliation, or perhaps a thorough beating from homophobic thugs. Putting on a chastity device isn't guaranteed to turn your conventional middle aged wife into a nymphomaniac cougar.

So if your fantasy isn't close to the reality, you are unlikely to get the experience you were looking for. At best you'll be disappointed and perhaps cause irritation to your partner. At worst, you'll get hurt emotionally or physically... which leads us to consequences.

Fear of consequences can spoil kinky experiences, no matter how realistic our expectations are.

So, to take an extreme example, somebody who gets off on the fear of a castration, would genuinely be afraid when faced by the real thing - the fantasy is realistic as far as it goes - but would probably not enjoy themselves because the consequences - not having a willy, extreme pain, violation of self... - would loom too large.

Similarly, even if our exhibitionist does get just the reaction he expected, his pleasure may be spoiled by fear of legal, social, moral and professional consequences.

However, I think it's fear of more personal consequences that keeps people from exploring kink: the consequences for their sense of self and their relationship.

Who I am at work is different from who
I am when I lick my own semen from my
wife's feet
Scarily - and here's the slippery slope - it turns out that most of these consequences are damp squibs.

Unless we have unresolved traumas, our sense of self is far more robust than we might expect.

We can do the wildest, most humiliating, things and still be the same person after.

This is partly because self is context dependent: who I am at work is different from who I am when I lick my own semen from my wife's feet.

However, it's also because if we want to do kink then we are already kinky. If anything, carrying around a secret kink is a burden. It actually turns out to be quite validating to just do it.

Kink can have consequences for relationships, but often they are either ones we secretly want - like our Female Led Relationship - or else don't actually manifest.

A broadminded partner can do dirty things with you in bed, and still respect you in the morning. Properly handled to insulate from practical consequences, couples can survive all sorts of shenanigans, from extreme power exchange through to the whole cuckold, hot wife and bull thing - not my cup of tea unless the bull was a lesbian...

Which leads me to: Would I want to be in my own Femdom fiction? I'll get to that in another blog entry.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)