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Thursday, 17 August 2017

Sex and Relationships in 2027

Sex in the future!
Last month, Teen Vogue actually did an article on BDSM! And there are all these surveys about the younger generation's laid-back attitude to sex and sexuallity.

So what's it going to be like in the Anglophone 1st world in ten years time?

I think wildly liberal, but not a 70s style Brave New World shagfest, nor a rolling Bonobo pansexual bonkathon.

Here's why.... (please note this is a prediction, not a manifesto!)

One the one hand, technology pushes the erotic envelope. Medicine's attack on consequences removes the fear. Porn erodes qualms. The wired up world provides opportunities and, through mobile communications, makes people physically safe. We're only one click away from cheap toys and gadgets to fulfil our fantasies. And, with ignorance and fear in retreat, people are starting to be OK with the whole rainbow of sexualities and identities.

On the other hand, a culture of sexual autonomy makes people less rather than more sexually available to others: people increasingly no longer feel they have to do things they don't feel like.

Since sex is an intimate act, it will continue to create vulnerablity. In the absence of cultural scripts telling people to go out and get laid, or to date, many of them will choose not to let down their guard except selectively. So though we'll see more promiscuity done more openly, it's never going to be like the fantasy version of the 1970s Sexual Revolution because only a few people really want to routinely sleep around.

A range of relationship styles will become unremarkable, especially poly, but monogamy isn't going to go away. Since each style generates its own challenges, no one style will be acknowledged best. People and fashion will move between them over time. However, as long as people still have jobs, relationships will tend to drift towards something resembling monogamy as the lazy option.

Similarly, sex remains visceral rather than cerebral. The new generation seemed to have picked up the values without the passionate politics. So though they won't be transphobic or homophobic, and though more of them will be openly pan/bi or "flexible" (or whatever it will be called), for most people, your "actual genitals right now" will still matter. (On the plus side, we can guess that sex changes will get easier and that the genitals you once had won't matter.)

Finally, given that something like 50% of women can't usually get off on penetration, I predict there will be less penis-in-vagina sex than right now.

What about kink?

Kink in general will go mainstream... it already is, to an extent. There won't be a BDSM club on every corner because sex will still be private for most people. However, kink will be a part of the standard bedroom repertoire.

Given most people aren't particularly good at role playing, it will be instrumental kink, with bondage for teasing and denying, and sadism and masochism experienced in the raw without the layer of simulation modern kink culture wraps around its "play". And some kinks based on transgressing race and gender will simply fade away. For example, by 2027, sissification won't make much sense to anybody under 50.

Chastity devices won't be mainstream outside the bedroom, unless somebody nails the problem of security - expect something like the FitBit for cocks. They most certainly will be mainstream in the bedroom. Their primary use will be vanilla: to string out the male plateau phase. However, they will also creep into dating and courtship wherever one partner wishes to delay sexual intercourse.  (I talked about all this here.)

This leads us to the knotty problem of power exchange in asymmetric relationships.

I suspect these will still be taboo. That Teen Vogue article sought advice from a pro-domme, not an established FLR or MLR couple. It emphasised BDSM as play and performance.

Yes, consensual vanilla asymmetric relationships naturally arise in the wild, and yes it's healthy to be able to acknowledge and eroticise the dynamic, not least because it lets you negotiate it. However, ongoing power exchange will feel like a violation of the prevailing egalitarian culture.

So, a submissive may one day think nothing of discussing a flogging with their adventurous friends, but they'll have to keep it a secret that the reason they were flogged was because they didn't do their chores...

There are two ways I can see F/m asymmetric relationships becoming acceptable in the mainstream:

First, asymmetric relationships without BDSM protocol trappings might become widely visible and acceptable in the Lesbian and Gay communities, where gender roles and feminism can't muddy the waters.  If our gay friends can casually talk about  a partner being their "boss", then so can we straight couples.

Second, perhaps there will be a Political Femdom movement along the lines of Political Lesbianism. It won't be called that, and it won't be overtly kinky. It will be touted as a way of subverting patriarchy at root. It might even do that. It will certainly square the circle for a lot of straight couples.

Unfortunately, all this will benefit FLR/Femdom pairings more than it will MLR/Maledom ones. We're going to need another two generations of non-sexist culture before MLR doesn't push the wrong buttons. Unless... just perhaps loudly embracing MLR as a consensual kink might just be seen as a way to subvert old-style patriarchal marriage.

As I said, this is a prediction, not a manifesto. I don't think this world will be perfect, make everybody happy, or even respect everybody's rights. However, it will be better than the erotic environment I grew up on, and better than what goes on today.

Your turn. What do you think things will be like?


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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Monday, 7 August 2017

My wife gives scary answers to some Femdom hypotheticals

My wife is very literal and serious

"Can I ask you some hypotheticals?"

It's late Sunday night, I'm kneeling at the end of the bed rubbing Xena's feet, as always, locked into my chastity device for the night.

She rather arbitrarily had me unlock for the day, which has left me a bit confused. I have a strong suspicion that her lock/unlock decisions are entirely random

Remember Anya from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"? My wife's a bit like her. Very literal and serious. There are no wheels within within wheels. She has a playful side, but it's spontaneous and unreliable. The world's worst service top, she is utterly no good at erotic role play.

Put my wife in charge, however, and she just takes charge and suits herself. This gives us an all or nothing Femdom dynamic that suits me fine.

The snag is, she doesn't introspect about the Femdom, which means it's hard to nail down what her tastes actually are.

Nor does she spend time thinking about enhancements. They still come from me, making the whole thing a bit of a guessing game. Some ideas she takes up with an evil grin. Others she dismisses with a grumpy wrinkle of her nose: Why aren't you telepathic Giles?

Part of the problem is that her mind leaps to practicalities, and some ideas get rejected before I've had a chance to make them work, or establish that I'm actually in the right ballpark.

So I'm ask asking some explicitly hypothetical questions: ones grounded in reality, but lubricated by fantasy.

"Oh go on then," she says.

"First one," I say. "Suppose I lost both keys to my device. Worse, in a fit of enthusiasm I'd previously decluttered all my spares. It would take about a month for a replacement to come."

"I don't understand, " she says, yawning.

"I'd be stuck," I say. "I'd have to destroy the device to get out of it, but the new one wouldn't arrive for a month or so."

"Oh," she says, an evil glint in her eyes. "You'd have to wear it until the replacement arrived."

"Would I be allowed to pullout and come."

"Of course not," she says as if I'm an idiot.

As  I said, she's very literal. As far as she's concerned a chastity device should be a chastity device and treated as such. She once accidentally pressed the wrong counter, giving me a penalty day instead of a demerit. She simply shrugged and picked up the other counter and clicked that one as well. There was no hint of rewinding.

"OK," I say. "Suppose Lady Fox had nothing she wanted me to review, so I had to buy the new device. Say it was about $200. Bear in mind that any practical device comes in at about that."

"You'd have to earn the money first," she says. "Over and above your monthly targets, of course," she adds cheerfully.

I wince. My erotic fiction and contracting together bring in a variable income. My target is reasonable, but I don't always make it. "I could be stuck for a couple of months."

"Tough."

"Next," I say. "Suppose this happens but we're abroad for your work? We're either travelling around, or else deliveries are not practical or secure. We won't be home for three months."

"Then you'd wear it until then," she says.

"What about six months?"

She frowns. "Then I'd make you come up with a solution."

Yes, a sharp but literal mind. The hypothetical just breaks down when she thinks about it too much! (There are few problems she can't solve or motivate other people to solve, which is why she is so senior professionally.)

However, it's interesting that this doesn't happen until the 6 month mark. Also, at no point does she bring up getting a cheap Amazon device for bedroom wear only. Given an all or nothing choice, she'd rather have me locked 24/7.  Finally, as long as the situation isn't actually her fault, she seems gleefully happy to enforce it for months on end.

All this suggests that daytime lockup really is part of the deal for her. She's not humouring me, even if she hasn't thought through the significance.

"Finally, a different tack," I say. "What if you had a vibrator that was hooked up to an electric shocker."

"I don't get it. Why would I want that?"

I back track. "You can get remote control shockers. Imagine that you using your vibrator triggered electric shocks for me. Would you use that?"

"Hmmm. Perhaps."

"What if... what if instead the vibrator was connected to the time lock on the safe. Say every minute of use cost me an hour of lockup?"

"Oh," says my wife. "That would be interesting."


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
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Thursday, 3 August 2017

"Actually I prefer you this way!": Permanent Chastity and the Other Keyholder Dynamic

"Actually, I prefer you this way."
"Actually, I prefer you this way."

About four years ago, I had just serviced Xena and was about to remove my chastity device to and get myself off in the other room. I had a sudden attack of insecurity: was she still OK to play this "game"(longer log post here).

"Actually, I prefer you this way."

God just thinking about her answer gets me hard in my chastity device!

 Being locked into a chastity device
somehow releases my sensuality.
A lot of keyholder relationships seem to be about the chaste male and his ravenous genitals.

We are told that the chastity device and orgasm denial are the keyholder's main leverage with her caged male. We're asked to believe that without that leverage he'd go back to being his boorish, domestically lazy, semen-daubing self. Permanent chastity would destroy this dynamic by removing the leverage.

Perhaps that's true for some couples.

For us, male chastity is transformative.

With fetishes, it's hard to disentangle turn-ons from things that give permission to be turned on. Being locked into a chastity device somehow releases my sensuality. I am far hornier locked than unlocked, and, on balance, more comfortable as well.

Xena feels the same. For some reason, me being locked up seems to allow her to be sexy, and knowing I'm locked makes her also feel comfortable.

The dynamic that tends towards permanent chastity.
Neither of us are really interested in my orgasm. Xena hasn't been there when it happened for years. Though I have the urge to get off, and try to avoid penalty days,  masturbation is lonely. It always leaves me a little depressed and deflated.

Conversely, I find it immensely... comfortable when she denies me an orgasm. It's more than masochism, it's to do with identity and being owned.

Earlier this year, my orgasm was months away and kept receding. An extra penalty day here or there felt like a drop in the ocean! I simply stopped being scared of the red clicker. What did keep me in line was my submissive nature confirmed by my chastity, and Xena's ability to beat me and make me kneel in the corner.

So Xena doesn't need penalty days to control me, and we are both more comfortable with me locked in a chastity device. 

That means that we are living the other keyholder dynamic, the one where the chastity is more important than the keyholding... the one that tends towards permanent chastity, even if it never attains it.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
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Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Why Commander/Champion isn't a simple predictor of Dominant/Submissive BDSM Roles

...the knotty business of gender roles.
I'm proud of my Commander/Champion insight - please go and read the original post if you haven't, or else none of this will make sense! I also think it's useful. I don't, however, offer it as the BDSM version of gaydar. Here's why.

First, like Gay/Straight, Commander/Champion is a spectrum. People may wander around it almost randomly, and particular relationships may trigger or re-enforce particular positions. (Though I suspect life tends to nudge people one direction or the other.) When I use the terms, I mean people who are clearly at one or other end of the CC spectrum.

As important, it's easy to misidentify Commanders and Champions in the wild. 

CC preference is about where you get your certainty from, and doesn't guarantee particular skills or attributes. You can be an introverted, inarticulate Commander, or an extroverted charismatic Champion. It follows that roles and status don't map to CC.

Not all Commanders are any good at being in charge in the real world - we all know bossy, angry people in low status jobs and stormy relationships. Not all Champions are nurturing, or even like people in general!

The attributes of each are applicable in a variety of professional roles. You'll find some Commanders in subordinate or supporting  positions, and some Commanders in leadership roles. Consider, for example, the sales assistant who knows just what jacket will suit you, and the manager who fiercely buys into corporate identity, or who is all about consensus building.

People also learn to perform their opposite style. For example, to reach their goals, a Champion may need to step up and be a decisive leader, and a Commander may need to adopt persuasive techniques. Or the Champion may see that the best way to help is to be commanding, and the Commander may decide that somebody needs championing...

There's also the knotty business of gender roles. Our culture demands that men be Commanders and women, Champions. This nudges people into styles that don't naturally suit them, with resulting blowback - e.g. the unfortunate stereotypes of the loudly alpha bank manager who is a wimp at home, and his super feminine wife who controls his life.

Then we come to the problem that BDSM is about play as well as dynamic.

One the one hand, a Commander may enjoy the experience of "bottoming", say being tied up and edged or whipped. On the other, a Champion may really get off on giving pleasure through "service topping".

Thanks to identity politics leaking into BDSM, and the related erosion of the terms top and bottom, they may loudly identify as respectively Submissive and Dominant, even though the Commander has no interest in more general submission and the Champion only ever dominates for effect.

Just to confuse things, people develop strong fetishes through repeated masturbation and actual experience. So it's quite possible for a Commander who enjoys bottoming, to become so fixated on the experience that that's their main and preferred source of sexual pleasure. Their head may also be full of complex submissive fantasies, precisely tweaked to generate the precise physical scenarios they like.

So though the Commander/Champion distinction might be helpful, it's no kinkdar.

If you meet a woman you experience as "domineering", she may actually be a Champion: championing somebody or somebody that's not you; or gritting her teeth and performing Commander in order to "lean in"; or she may just have good reason to be angry (because patriarchy generates a lot of bad experiences for women). God help me, if your dating and she's old school, she may even be actually goading you in order to see if you "man up" and act dominant.

Conversely, a woman who seems insecure and lacks confidence may be Commander who, lacking role models or just the right kind of personality, has experienced some nasty knocks whenever she acts naturally. Even nowadays, girls are told not to be bossy, and are raised to be nice. End result there are a lots of female Commanders who second guess themselves and self sabotage and never reach their full potential at work or in bed.

Even so... Commanders and Champions have a different feel. Each seems a little brittle when they perform the opposite style. Each makes different private choices whenever they don't feel judged. And, if you look closely and take them in the round, you'll find they do have different sources of certainty.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)