| ...we don't usually go about getting |
our BDSM kicks without the
trappings of power exchange
One person dominates, one submits and we like it that way.
My evidence for this is the observation that most kinksters are happy to expand their range beyond specific fantasies as long as they get similar buttons pushed.
For example, when I was a youth, all I wanted was to be tied up and used. Now I'm as happy - happier - to be chaste and ordered around instead. I still have no control over my genitals, I still give pleasure, I'm still used.
(I know that there are nice physical sensations to be had from BDSM. However, we don't usually go about getting our BDSM kicks without the trappings of power exchange.)
So BDSM has to be primarily about the dynamic: D/s,
For submissives, this is a big problem.
We have this burning urge to surrender autonomy to a hypothetical stranger or to an unexplored aspect of our partner. Deep down, we know that once we start on this path there's no going back. We fear that the darkness will consume us.
The natural response is to cling onto control, to go, Dominate me but make me wear this and you must do that and then you have to say this thing and I'll do that other thing but you won't make me do that thing and...
In other words to be a "Pushy Sub" and to "Top from the Bottom". Yes, sometimes the sub is really just trying to turn their partner into an automaton. And, yes, there are a lot of supposedly submissive men out there with a sense of entitlement and a "do me" attitude.
However, some of these Pushy Subs are just scared,
I think of this as the reverse of Sub Frenzy, so I call it "Sub Panic". The cure is to let go and explore while relying on safewords as a safety net, and to trust that we will still be the same person in the morning, only more fulfilled.
(I also suspect there's a Dom Panic as well; Look it must be OK because I got consent and here's our agreed script and I've memorised where and how I could strike him and I check in between each stroke and he can use traffic light words and now I'm doing aftercare with tea and biscuits so I must be a nice person...)
Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her.