How Permanent Chastity Has Freed Me! (Guess what? Being sexually repressed takes time and energy!)

"Our relationship has changed."

"Our relationship has changed", I say. It's last night. I'm rubbing Xena's feet after a long day socialising.

"How?" she asks.

"You feel more in charge," I say. "For real. Like you just take it for granted."

"Yes I do... do the instep... is that good or bad?"

My penis heaves against its bars. It's been more than four months now. "Good," I say. "I can't imagine it not being good."

OK, realistically, the permanent chastity is just permanent as in "that window is permanently nailed shut". I can't possibly be trapped like this forever. However, my submission is now permanent. A couple of years ago, Xena said she could't imagine living any other way, nor could I. Now, any remaining doubt has gone. This is how we both work best as people and as a couple.

This is good not just as in, "Hurrah I'm a submissive and I get to submit!" It's also very suddenly freed up a lot of mental real estate.

At the end of my journey.

It turns out being sexually repressed takes up time and energy. I've spent years pondering my sexuallity, fantasising through writing Femdom fiction and...

A lot of the BDSM and chastity activities I used to obsess over, were only important because they pointed to to 24/7/???? submission and chastity.

Waking in chastity.

Spending a week locked.

Spending 24 hours as a slave.

Being disciplined.

Suddenly it's all technically possible, emotionally practical, relationship-friendly.

And here I am at the end of my journey.

I'm living my fantasy.

There's nothing left to think about. And no more stories I need to tell.

I've gone from "what if somebody got trapped in chaste submission" to "what if somebody ended up in my situation?" I don't need to explore my kink through fiction or blogging because I'm exploring all the doable stuff in real life.

That doesn't mean I'm giving up erotica, just that it's suddenly less important to me. There are still otherwise inaccessible places erotica can take me. However, I can now be fully Giles just by being alive. I don't need a fantasy life any more.

It doesn't even matter that porno tumblr has gone. My main activity there was to build a masturbation play list - actually, tumbview will still serve up a nice slideshow! - but masturbation is off the cards.

What can't escape is the memories I'm building. 

So, I'm in chains, but - thus - my mind is free.

What can't escape is the memories I'm building.

Like last night, when Xena had me put on nipple clips and kneel in the corner and while she used the vibrator. After a while she let me put my head under the covers to watch, then insert my fingers.

Her vagina rippled around my digits like a devouring monster. My poor lost cock hammered like a second heart while my nipples added two points of pain to make a triangle of exquisite sensation.

Then she had me put away the sex toys and come to bed.

I lay there in the dark with her asleep beside me. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the vibrator nuzzling her pussy.

And I can see it now.

It's going to be an interesting chaste year....

---

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How many men are locked in chastity? More statistics (Still permanently locked, by the way)

Earlier I guesstimated 1 in 400 men in the developed world have male chastity as part of their lifestyle.

Somebody over on Chastity Mansion quoted a rumour that AL Enterprises had passed 1 million sales a while back.

Grinding the statistics:

• Male population of developed world 500 million
• AL Enterprise devices sold 1 million
• Men owning AL Enterprise device, 1 in 500.

Also, if 10% of men are active malesubs:

• Male subs owning an AL Enterprise device, 1 in 50.

I think anybody buying a device costing more than USD 100 wants it as part of their lifestyle, so this 1 in 500 seems very close to my original guesstimate of 1 in 400 men are locked.

---

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A Spat Ends in Discipline: Commitment trumps Consent in a Female Led Relationship

"Wah wah wah! Go cry in the corner!

"Wah wah wah!" mocks Xena, angry. "Go cry in the corner! Go on, kneel facing the corner for five minutes."

We've been having what we Brits call "a row", otherwise "a spat".

I've been feeling neglected because her work has taken first place in the last few months. She hasn't disciplined me for weeks, which takes the adventure out of chores, and also means we haven't really been intimate. This evening it spilled over into me ranting at her, despite still being sealed into my chastity device after over 100 days.

It really is an argument. We're both cross with each other, voices raised.

But I can't disobey her. "Yes, mistress."

Fifty lashes... I'm near
tears by the end of it.

I don't mean I'm afraid to disobey her. It's just not in my lexicon.

I kneel in the corner for five minutes while she finishes her report.

Then she has me tie myself up and she whips me - fifty lashes for the fifty demerits I've racked up. I'm near tears by the end of it.

After that, it's back in the corner and I have to listen to her vibrators buzz, my poor caged cock up throbbing forlornly in its device. After more than 100 days of chastity, this is exquisite torment.

Then she has me rub her feet and we curl up together. My hopeless arousal causes her some delight.

"OK, you really are in charge," I say, aware that things have changed between us.

I have to listen to her vibrators buzz...

"Of course," she responds. "And you need to be more detail-orientated over the house."

"I will if you are too," I say.

"You can rely on that," she says. "Good night. I love you."

And she falls asleep leaving me locked and hard, with a smarting back, both deliciously afraid and contentedly secure.

---

This is the only kind of relationship
she can imagine.

Round about now, the Consent Police turn up:

Where were all the negotiations? 

Where were the check-ins? 

Are my needs being met?

The problem is that BDSM consent culture is designed around couple play, and play dates between equals: temporary power exchanges.

However, in a lifestyle relationship, consent and commitment are hopelessly tangled, and the dynamic takes on a life of its own, evolving to permeate the relationship.

It's been nearly a hundred days since she had me seal myself in my chastity device. It was my idea of a fun adventure, but she's taken it and run with it. I expected to be locked for a couple of months max, now she's talking about unlocking in time for a holiday next August.

Similarly, we've been in an FLR for four years. Again, it was my idea of a way to make chores fun - I'm mostly a house husband - and generate some kink. It was also supposed to be an adventure lasting a few months, renewed by mutual consent. Now she's told me that this is the only kind of relationship she can imagine, and - well you can see above - she wields her power when it suits her, not just in erotic contexts.

 Any discomfort with our lot
pings our masochism.

Consent once given is hard to withdraw, let alone withhold if the dominant pushes the scope.

Most obviously, we subs are initially afraid the kink might go away, then go on to lose perspective. Meanwhile, any discomfort with our lot pings our masochism.

However, there's this other thing: you just cannot unilaterally make fundamental changes to your relationship.

A concept kinksters don't talk about so much: commitment.

Relationships are built on commitments.

The most obvious vanilla example is the commitment to fidelity. You can't just declare your relationship to be open or poly, or that you are going to sleep around.

I'm trapped and I like it.

In an exclusive marriage, your partner doesn't coerce you into fidelity. Rather, fidelity is a component of your relationship. Yes, you can "withdraw consent" for fidelity, but your partner may then reasonably withdraw consent to continue the relationship.

So it is with power exchange in our Female Led Relationship. I'm committed to submitting to Xena, and I can't imagine how our relationship would work without that.

In other words, as long as I love my wife, withdrawing consent to the dynamic is no longer really a relationship option. I'm trapped, and I like it.

---

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100 days of Living with Permanent Chastity

My wife is treating permanent chastity
as an indefinite relationship phase. 

Permanent chastity! This is nuts!

100 days on, I'm still sealed into my chastity device and Xena's talking about no need to unlock me until a flight in August(!).

So, no key, no emergency key.

No way out without messing around with hairdryers or very hot water.

And the worst - best? - of it is that my wife is treating permanent chastity as an indefinite relationship phase.

It's as if we just moved house, she's settled in and this is fine for now. Sure, we'll relocate again, but it's not on the cards right now. And moving house is not something you do on whim, right? She certainly can't be bothered with all the fuss, and she's in charge.

So, I'm not on tenterhooks wondering when she'll release me. Instead, I've just accepted that this is how things will be for a while, which I suppose is the difference between "permanent" and "open ended".

What's it like?

Day to day, the frustration isn't too bad. The balls aren't actually steam boilers. A couple of weeks in and you get as horny as you're going to get, and the frustration is like a little energising motor in your groin.

The frustration during sexy time... that's exquisite. A gorgeous feedback loop between panic and masochism.

Mentally, it's interesting.

On the one hand it confirms me in my submissive role. Locked means submissive, and I'm permanently locked. However, it's also actually healing. I can never pretend to be not submissive, never ignore that part of my identity. Even so, I'm still me.

It's also relaxing. Being irrevocably sealed in with no emergency key, shuts down all those wearing micro decisions, e.g. about whether to really go to a meeting locked. It also washes away any moral qualms - this is who I am.

Emotionally... emotionally it's nice. I've arrived at my logical destination, as low as I can go as a sub, and not only does Xena still want me, she also made this happen.

Because really, she did. Looking back over our entire relationship, especially the FLR, there's a pattern:

Me: Shall we make this temporary and limited kinky change to our relationship?
Xena: Oh god. Are you sure? I suppose so.
Later...
Me: Well that was fun.
Xena: What do you mean was? We're still doing it. Oh and I can't be bothered with these limits.
Me: Yes, mistress.

Originally, she was just looking to lock me up until mid October. I was the one who pushed the seal idea. Then, suddenly everything became open ended.

Careful what you wish for.

The same thing happened four years ago when I suggested trying demerits to real domestic targets, and she propelled us into an FLR, and years before that when we started doing female-focused Femdom, and she established chaste service as our standard dynamic.

So I am feeling utterly validated, totally myself, very frustrated in erotic moments, and as submissive as heck.

What about practical issues?

There aren't any. I can live pretty much as normal in this device other than being more cautious about using public urinals, and being careful not to let people bump my groin.

The it's the diabolical practicality of the Custom Chastity Saint that got me into this mess.

Careful what you wish for!

---

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The Truth About "Pathetic Small Dicks that Last Seconds" and Male Chastity?

She likes his small dick because it is non-intrusive

The chastity Internet is full of men with locked micro-dicks: "My wife said my man-clit was useless and might as well be locked away..."

And so on.

Up until this morning, I wrote all that off as wive's feeding their husbands' small penis humiliation fetish, or fantasists doing it for themselves while typing one-handed.

Then I read a thread on Chastity Mansion.

The original poster has a small dick and no staying power. He assumed his wife was using chastity as a kind of workaround: the other stuff was good enough that penis-in-vagina wasn't important.

However, it turned out that she likes his small dick because it is non-intrusive. Also, she likes him coming quickly because she enjoys the erotic power, but doesn't enjoy being pounded for too long - He suspects that his wife used to fake orgasm to get it over with. His wife does enjoys penetration from time to time, but mostly from fingers or small dildos, or a quick go with something much bigger.

And this made me think of our sex life, because that pretty much describes Xena.

 If you have a small penis,
perhaps that means she
might prefer no penis at all...

I don't have a particularly large penis. I do have - did use to have - good staying power, but Xena would generally want me to hurry up and come.

So what if the truth of hair-trigger micro penises in chastity were the other way around?

What if women who don't much like cock tend to pair off with men with small ones? Better yet, ones that don't last too long inside the vagina?

Wouldn't those same women be natural adopters of male chastity, not because his penis is small, because a locked cock is even better than a small penis, which is still an improvement on a large one.

So, if she chooses to be with you knowing that you have a small penis, perhaps that means she might prefer no penis at all...

---

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10 weeks of permanent chastity (and counting) - What IS going on with my wife?

"The weekend came and went and
I didn't unlock you.
DEAL WITH IT!"

"I'm a bit surprised that I'm still chaste," I say, wryly.

We're back from a weekend with relatives and I'm rubbing Xena's feet. It's mid October, and I've been sealed up in my Custom Chastity Saint for more than two months.

My wife looks up from her mobile phone. "Oh?"

"When we started this new arrangement, I suppose I expected you'd unlock me for the visit - you usually do... and that that would provide a natural break?"

I actually flush. I suppose I was looking for a bit of attention - some acknowledgement of my chastity marathon. Instead I catch myself actually pleading.

"Well it didn't," says Xena, sounding grumpy.

"But if you keep me locked for family visits, then there's no natural break until..." I frown. There really isn't one.

"Enough, Giles!" snaps Xena. She puts down her phone. "The weekend came and went and I didn't unlock you. DEAL WITH IT!"

She really does sound angry.

I blush. "Yes, mistress,"

This isn't a kink argument, I realise, this is a relationship argument. And our relationship has changed.

The feeling... it's like, when you were young, did you ever go solo travelling and step off a plane into a foreign country where the air felt new, and everybody was a stranger, and the local laws and customs are different and dangerous?

I'm genuinely scared, but I'm also horribly, horribly turned on. So much some I feel that one word of sexy gloating from her would set me off and I would squirt everywhere...

But the word doesn't come.

My wife reaches for her kindle. "Now get back to rubbing my feet."

And I do.

I'm not sure what I expected from "permanent" chastity, other than a grand adventure. I was too realistic to expect it to turn our sex life into a wall-to-wall porno BDSM romp: Xena's busy at work, there's only so much time and energy. Outside the protocol, we've settled into a sexual pattern of about twice a month - better than some middle aged couples, one hell of a lot kinkier than most.

I suppose I did have the general idea that she would stop to gloat over my plight. And, from time to time, she does. However, she gloats over my plight Right Now, not the length of time locked up, not the possibility of release.

My wife likes to know I'm frustrated, but doesn't want to be reminded that my penis has ever been, or can ever be free.

Naturally, the permanent chastity started as my idea. She'd suggested a long lockup using the timer, I - nervously - asked to live out the fantasy. Supposedly, the main benefit for her was no more lock/unlock decisions: she was glad to escape the responsibility.

At the time I wondered:

Will Xena let me out in October?
One of the things she likes about Femdom and FLR is that she can have her relationship nailed down the way she likes it, and then not have to keep track. Also, she prefers not to make decisions, and she doesn't like a fuss.

Well, obviously, she didn't. 

Then on when I broke my 45-day record for actual lock up:

"Well done for breaking your record... I wonder how long you can go?"
"I thought you were uninterested in setting records."
"I'm not. But I might also become uninterested in letting you out."

Well that's certainly happened.

And also, I took the hint, and agreed to stop reporting time locked. Me being locked became the default state.

So what is going on with her?

First and foremost, this new chastity device has removed all practical limits. Xena just assumes that it's OK to keep me locked. There are no health risks, and no realistic chance of discovery. She's stopped second guessing. Xena says she doesn't introspect around sex, so in a way that's explanation enough: there are no longer any brakes on her whim.

However: what is behind the whim?

At first, it just looked like a delicious mixture of laziness and sadism. She wanted to park me sexually during a busy time at work, she couldn't be bothered with all those lock/unlock decisions anyway. And she likes me being frustrated and impotent to get off.

It's as if me being unlocked would
take something away from who she is.

However, I can't believe she didn't make a positive decision to keep me locked during our weekend with relatives. Up until this moment, she would have been deeply uncomfortable with crossing the streams and having me secretly chaste around her elderly aunts.

Then there's her angry reaction when I seemed to be tiptoeing around the idea that she might release me. "Deal with it!" she said, perfectly aware that there's an "it" to deal with, but also certain that it was a done deal.

And there's this other thing.

In the last few weeks, she's become more comfortably dominant. I don't mean that she's taken to strutting around in thigh highs; rather the total opposite. It's as if the power exchange has become invisible to her, and her being in charge is just natural. I realise now that before, there was always a sense of her switching into "in charge mode". Now she is just in charge.

You could in fact say that her behaviour in the relationship has become more traditionally masculine.

All this makes me think that there's something odd going on to do with gender: my practical lack of a penis seems to have become part of my wife's identity.

It's as if me being unlocked would take something away from who she is.

I'm really no longer sure where this is going. Presumably she can't keep me locked indefinitely...

---

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How I measured for my Custom Chastity Saint - the one I've been wearing for over 70 days 24/7

Here's how I measured myself for my customised Custom Chastity Saint.

• I did my measurements when warm but not aroused.
• I used this cheap caliper off Amazon:

Over on the Custom Chastity website, Lady Fox asks for the Base Ring size, plus these measurements:

Base Ring Size: This is a dark art! Snug, but such that your erection doesn't crush the tubes of your testicles. (I got there by trial and error, but you might try getting a really good hard on, then using a measuring tape. If you are really desperate to get it right, buy a tub of Polymorph Plastic (soft at 60 degrees C) and make your own prototype base ring.)

 

A: I don't have a very long dick, so don't need much bend in my devices. I therefore measured my dick by laying it on the edge of a table and pressing a toothpast box against the tip. Then measured from the edge of the box to the root of my dick.

B. Much harder! It can't be too tight otherwise arousal causes oedema and the penis gets stuck during turtling (we tried a super snug device - it was mindblowing but impractical). My solution was to measure my penis at the crown or corona:

In other words, I measured my penis girth at its greatest dimension - remember I did this will warm, but not aroused.

C: The dreaded "gap" is really hard to guess. It's better to be a little loose than too tight. You'll have to work that out for yourself. Bear in mind that the smaller the B measurement - the tube - the geometrically larger the actual measurable gap between tube and ring.

For my custom device, I needed a fourth measurement:

D: The length of the tube up to what you could call the lip:

This turned out to be really critical for preventing turtling. I've marked the sweet spot using a blue dot:

The lip should press securely on the corpus cavernosum, meaning the meat of the penis. It should not press into the valley just behind the head.

I'm circumcised. The ideal location on me is before the start of my circumcision scar. If you are uncut, then you're probably looking for the point before where your foreskin begins.

This makes the head section of the device seem a little swept back compared to standard (the pink one is the new version):

However, I find it prevents most turtling - the penis seems to curl up before it retracts, and that's the sweet spot for preventing it escaping - and my erections never get stuck in the cage.

The end result appears to be wearable indefinitely:

This is what worked for me. You mileage - as they say - may vary...

---

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Day 40 of permanent chastity (45 days locked)

 I might also become uninterested in letting you out.

So I hit day 40 sealed in, 45 locked.

There's not much to report. It feels same as it did in the first week and after the third week - no chafing, no impending issues.

The swept back head section has passed the test of time: it really does eliminate turtling. So I have reason to be proud of my little innovation! It makes the device just that bit more practical - no poking around when I need to pee - and aesthetically pleasing - it always looks like a second skin, not a shell in which the penis can hide.

This is a busy couple of months for Xena - one of the reasons for this adventure - so I have no Femdom pyrotechnics to report. Knowing how much locked as default pushes her buttons, I have high expectations for when there's time and energy.

The effect on our relationship has been subtle.

A Truly Fire and Forget Male Chastity Device? 21 days in a sinister custom Custom Chastity Saint male chastity device...

I'm currently locked in a custom Saint device from Custom Chastity.
I passed Day 21 earlier this week and I'm still locked - well sealed, as of two plus weeks ago. I've also worn it almost 24/7 since Lady Fox sent it to me for testing more than a month ago.

My verdict is that this chastity device is so fire and forget as to make it sinister as heck.

The security is as good as any other ball gripper. I can in theory get my dick out, but masturbating would chafe the skin and leave me to puffy to get back in. Getting off wearing the device would be uncomfortable and cause different issues. Pawing at all the exposed skin would mostly just irritate it. Also, I can't lie to Xena. She'd know.

As for the rest, it's remarkable in that there's not much to remark on.

Day 10 in the custom Custom Chastity Saint, Day 5 of permanent chastity

Ten days in this custom nylon chastity device and not much to report. There's no build up of dead skin under the shaft, no visible signs of mild chafing - no red patches - and no odd smells. Everything dries easily, though a quick blast of the hairdryer speeds that up. Apart from not being able to get erect of have an orgasm, it's pretty much like having naked genitals.

Five days of permanent chastity...  that still takes some getting used to. I keep noticing dead decision points, and sometimes I'm aware of my situation and get horribly turned on all on my own. The relationship effects aren't yet clear...

---

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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Day 1 of (?) Permanent Chastity

Woke, saw Xena off to work, worked, cleaned, exercised, worked some more, cooked dinner, ate with Xena, cleaned up, jogged, showered, rubbed Xena's feet while she read, went to sleep...

All very normal.

But different.

For a start, no emergency key.

I don't really think I need one for actual emergencies - if I'm lying in an ambulance, rooting around with a key in my underpants will be just as excruciatingly embarrassing as  asking them to bring out the shears to cut the nylon. Also, with no metal parts, the device isn't going to get in the way of  a scan.

However, the emergency key did mean I always had the theoretical possibility of wimping out and unlocking for any given activity, for example for a spontaneous pint with the lads. Turns out I was making all sorts of background decisions I'm only now aware of because when I hit the decision point, it's no longer there. That gives me a panicky feeling I had not expected.

The other thing is, no chance of suddenly being unlocked.

Up until now, there's always been a key around, either in Xena's drawer, or, if that one is in the time safe, the security sealed emergency key in my my wallet. Though the latter is supposed to be a last resort, there's always been the possibility that Xena might suddenly want me out for sex - we had actual sex twice on vacation! - or that she might just decide I should have an orgasm the next day.

Knowing that can't happen is... odd.

---

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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(For ebook format, 

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My wife just sealed me in permanent chastity!

"That sounds great. Do it."

"Can I talk to you about next month?"

It's Sunday night and I'm folding Xena's clothes away while she lounges in bed with a book.

"What about it?"

"You're away at conferences a lot, and you'll be trying to clear your desk before you go, then catch up when you return. I wanted to talk about how to make it work for me."

"I'll fit things in as best I can," she says. She means beatings and occasional orgasms for her.

"That's great," I say, not entirely believing her. "But discipline is already a bit irregular."

"You've not been pulling your weight," she said, "you've been forgetting things."

"That's your fault," I say.

"I just can't be bothered chasing you up."

My shoulders sink. "I hate it when you drift off and withdraw!"

"Well you're getting four demerits for forgetting to compost the flowers," she says. There's a sudden glint in her eyes.

"It's more than discipline..," I say. "I need..."

A few weeks back, while on vacation, we had a talk. Oddly we had had actual penis-in-vagina sex twice. After a run down the beach we discussed, for the first time in years, my needs, how I get anxious if I don't feel "owned", and how she can get the best out of me by making me feel owned.

I recite, "To be Controlled, Affirmed, Scared and Exploited." (Yes, there's an acronym there, but I don't make a fuss about it. It does help me remember.)

Don't read that as a trade: good husbanding for kink. I'm very much telling her how to get things she wants, and those things go far beyond what she could expect even from a stay home husband. And she likes... loves being in charge.

"Hmm," she says and goes back to her book.

I finish the clothes, take a shower and towel myself off while we chat. I'm naked except for my customised Custom Chastity Saint. "The new device is going great," I remark. "Five days in and not even any dry skin or red patches. Fire and forget."

Friendly Polymorph Plastic

"Right," she says, sitting up in bed. "I think we should lock you up for a very long time. Six weeks perhaps..."

My cock inflates like an airbag. I start shaking. There's something on my bucket list, something I've already prepped for. But it has to be something she does to me.

"That would certainly count as Controlled and Scared,"  I say.

"At least until we take a holiday in October," she continues. She glances in the direction of my bedside table where the time lock safe normally keeps my key. "Check the calendar and..."

"How about just using the friendly plastic seal?" I blurt.

"How would that work?"

"Plastic that melts in very hot water," I say. "I take out the locker and push the stuff in. Once it's set, I'd need an hour with a hairdryer or a long hot bath* to get free. I'd basically be stuck until you remembered to free me."

*UPDATE It turns out the long hot bath doesn't work! 

Escape will require careful use of a hairdryer.

"What about if you needed to get out?"

"I've thought about it," I say. "Any circumstances in which I needed an emergency key would already be excruciatingly embarrassing.  And in a medical emergency, they could always cut it off - it's only surgical nylon."

"OK," she says, "That sounds great. Do it."

I'm not surprised. My wife loves having me in chastity, hates having to engage with the fuss of deciding lockups and setting timers. I've basically offered her locked by default. This suits her down to the ground. I have a horrible feeling that only qualms about the practicality have held her back from doing this.

That black blob is the overflow
of the plastic seal.

Still shaking, I go to the kitchen to get a cup of hot water. I've already prepped a rod of just the right size. I let it soak until it's pliable, remove the magic locker from my device and replace it with the plastic.

Which hardens.

As does my cock.

Voila! I'm sealed in. Permanent - or at least open ended - chastity.

I return to the bedroom. "It's set, mistress," I say.

"Excellent," she says. She glances at me, amused, satisfied.

Here's what she sees behind the cut (i.e. cock in chastity picture):

The World Needs More Female Focused Femdom

The World Needs More Female
Focused Femdom

When people post one of those "Survey Shows Straight Men Crap In Bed" articles on twitter, I often respond with  "The World Needs More #FemaleFocusedFemdom" as cure for things like men coming to bed unwashed, skimping on oral, skipping other stuff...

Let's be clear, "more" is not the same as "everybody". However, an Irish sex survey has 20% of modern couples doing some BDSM. There's probably more couples who would if either partner introduced it, or if they had the confidence. A Quebec survey has roughly half people with dominant fantasies and half with submissive ones, though it's not clear how these overlap.

So there's potential for, say, 30-40% of couples to enjoy some bedroom Femdom. As long as it's female focused - she's really in charge - they can learn her needs and how to satisfy them. However...

The cultural expectation of Femdom makes
Female Focused Femdom difficult. 

The cultural expectation of Femdom makes this difficult.

The dominatrix - whether pro and/or enthusiastic kink fairy, statistically rare - is the gold standard.

So Femdom is performed around his fantasies, tailoring his experience. All work and no play for her.

That same gold standard probably makes malesubs amongst the worst lovers, and bad at submitting. They're not interested in vanilla sex, so don't put the effort in. Since no woman can live up to the fantasy, they obsess with simulating Femdom rather than doing what she wants.

I think malesubs are also often scared of the submissive undertow, and cling to unattainable fantasies in order to keep their heads above water. Their orientation threatens not just their masculinity, but their autonomy. So they go into denial and play Alpha (badly).

Female-focused Femdom is the fix for all this. It's still kinky, but hands her license to be selfish. The sub trades fantasy for the thrill of raw submission. Both partners find satisfaction.

Not for everybody, but the world would be better if there was more of this.

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You can dye Custom Chastity devices!

Pink!

Lady Fox sent me a customised version of the Saint to review: elongated head section to prevent turtling, big vent on the underside (pictures of it worn below the cut).

But it was pink.

It was a really impressive pink - as vividly pink as a sissy's wildest dreams. Even so, not really our style, though it did make Xena laugh.

Skin Tone!

My erotic persona is more understated, possibly even more dignified (if you can be dignified when locked into a chastity device and made to kneel in the corner).

No worries, said Lady Fox. You can dye it a different colour. And she sent me a link to the DyeMore Synthetic range.

I should have realised! The Custom Chastity devices are all surgical nylon, so a commercial dye should do the job. (I'll bet the same dye will be able to handle a lot of other non-metallic devices, but don't take my word for it.)

I've always wanted a flesh-toned chastity cage. It's hard to explain why. I think it's because it just feels more sinister - the more natural it looks, the more it seems to be a permanent fixture.

There's a practical side too. In the event of some mishap, something that matches my skin is less likely to catch the eye - less likely than a pink chastity cage! - and easier to pass off as a medical device.

There was no skin tone, but there was a "Sandstone". So I got that from Amazon and followed the instructions: put the device plus water in a small saucepan and heated until simmering, added about a third of the bottle of dye, simmered for 30 minutes. Then I put it through the dishwasher.

Here's the result (it's me wearing the device, so behind the cut - Xena has locked me up for several days, and I didn't get a chance to take a snap of my handiwork first.)

Update: Two days in with the Custom Chastity Saint

I've been locked since Tuesday night. No problems. Drying is really easy - that big vent on the underside is great! Some sticking during the day, but not at night or during erotic activity. No turtling.

---

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Customised Custom Chastity Saint Chastity Device: A Cure for Turtling and Catching

Pink! OMG!

(This is a rather technical article about male chastity device design and measurements. If you are looking for more on our Female Led Relationship click here.)

So Lady Fox of Custom Chastity sent me a modified version of the Saint to try out. It's lurid pink - her idea of a joke, I guess (it certainly made Xena laugh). It incorporates three changes to deal with "catching" and "turtling", and it works.

I think catching and turtling are the bane of close fitting male chastity.

In "catching" the penis shrinks a little, becomes unseated, then when it expands gets stuck with its nose rammed into the roof of the tube. In "turtling" the penis shrinks dramatically - usually in self defence - then gets jammed in position.

My Ghost

These cause problems when peeing - you need to go fishing for your dick with your finger - but also spoil the chastity experience. You rarely ever find your penis neatly seated in its prison. And, without manual intervention, an erection is likely to get stuck in the barrel - that's a real issue if you're tied up!

One solution is to have a relatively loose tube/cage section. My Custom Chastity Ghost fits this bill: the whole tube is width/diameter of the crown of my penis when hard. Occasionally if out and about on a cold day, peeing meant going fishing with my finger, but otherwise catching and turtling weren't a problem.

My Saint

However, we all want close fitting devices that make us feel constrained, and hides well under clothing. This leads us to the Saint which I've been wearing almost continuously since last Autumn.
As I put it in my review:

I find I'm mostly lined up to pee when I down-zip, but if I'm not, then it's easy to align properly. Similarly, if I'm stuck in the barrel due to night turtling, it's a simple matter to poke a finger in and retrieve the errant member. Oh, and of course, there's nowhere for pee to collect.

So the fix is essentially to accept catching and turtling as a fact of life, but have easy access to fix it. Until...

One day, using the sock trick to get into the device I pulled too much in and squished my head a little. The some of the shaft came into the head section. I left it like that to see what happened. Imagine my surprise when everything remained seated even during exercise, and no need to go fishing with my finger when I woke up! It wasn't perfect because I had to squash the head and it sometimes ended up caught unevenly. However, shifting the C ring back would resolve that.

Here's the sketch I sent Lady Fox:

I think it works because (a) the penis rears before it turtles, and that's the sweet spot to stop it, and (b) the new position for the C ring rests firmly on "corpus" rather than on its edge.

So, always keen to use me as a guinea pig,  Lady Fox shifted the C-ring back, and stretched the paperclip a little. She also - you can't see this - made the top of the cage section flush with the inside of the C-ring so there was nothing to catch on:

C-ring moved further back.

Finally, she removed the central ventral spar creating one big vent:

One big vent

This is intended to solve the occasional chafing problem caused by heat and sweat. However I suspect it also removes a trigger for turtling, and takes the rug out of jamming - there's nothing to jam against.

And it works.

For the last two days, I'v woken with morning wood perfectly seated in the device. And every time I've gone to pee, I've downzipped to find myself already lined up. At the most I've had to push the device against my body in order to dock the head with the slit.

Here's me wearing it, once I had dyed it a flesh tone:

Last night I took about fifty lashes while tied up. My erection came and went, but every time I was hard I was perfectly seated.

So basically, change just one measurement, and the turtling goes away. If only I'd known.

As for wearing this Custom Chastity device long term - watch this space...

---

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Coming out as a submissive?

From the outside, our FLR/malesub identities look like 

(a) doting husband (already public) plus 

(b) kinky goings on (private).

The weird thing about being a submissive of my generation is that we've worked so hard to be invisible, but wish we weren't.

I don't mean visible in the "my mistress leads me on a leash to the shopping mall to buy her boots" way. 

I just mean ,"not invisible."

A (RL) friend of mine who's also in a female led relationship - sort of my fault, I think - put it this way: "Somebody other than just your partner has to know who you really are."

We both have fellow malesubs to talk to, but after the initial heart to heart, there's not much to really discuss. By the time you get this far into middle age, you know what you like and how to do it, and you're OK with wanting those things. Once in a while it's useful to compare technical notes, but that's that.

However, for both of us - him and I - it goes beyond sharing the secret with a handful of confidants. We'd like a space where we don't have to hide our identities.

But what would that safe space look like?

Both of us are in monogamous relationships, so it's not the same as being young and coming out so as to date kinkily. In fact, it's not clear what difference being more out would make. From the outside, our FLR/malesub identities look like (a) doting husband (already public) plus (b) kinky goings on (private).

So, most of our - Xena and my - friends already know that I revolve around her, keeping house, supporting her career and that I defer to her on most decisions. One or two find it sweetly amusing. If I told them that it's in my nature to do what Xena wants, they'd tell me that they already knew that and "So what?" If I told them about the discipline and the chastity, they'd tell me "Ewww" and "Too Much Information" or else "So what?" Or perhaps, "Good for you."

That last is what happened when my friend did out himself to some of his more broadminded friends: They basically said some supportive things, said they were happy for him and the conversation moved on.

I'm not sure I can see the benefit of doing the same. I'd still be doing Xena's bidding, and we wouldn't be talking about our sex lives. Day-to-day, everything would look the same.

What if another couple turned out to actually be like us? Still no real change because the dynamic stuff is all private, even if it isn't secret. 

(OK, I admit it, I like the idea of Xena having another dominant friend and them egging each other on. But really, nothing would have changed.)

That leaves the BDSM community, which just isn't our scene. Our kind of kink doesn't belong in club, and Xena isn't interested in learning "better domming skills". I'm also not comfortable with the idea of identifying as a submissive in the company of dominant men. A munch isn't an attractive prospect for similar reasons plus, again, there really isn't anything to talk about.

So though it would be nice to be out to more people, I'm not really sure what that would look like...

---

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Ask Giles: Is a Female Led Relationship is the submissive truly serving, or is it a trade?

In Ancient Rome, she'd still have to manage
her slave: give him orders, discipline him,
keep him in his place.

On Chastity Mansion, somebody asked: "Is it serving or is it a trade?"

I think it's quite common for dominant women to hide behind the idea of a trade for a long time before taking ownership of the FLR. However, it's only a trade in that all relationships are an implicit trade.

Our desire to serve comes from our submissive orientation. It's not some higher calling. So what we really want is particular role in a relationship.

The baseline proposition is then: "Let me be your slave and you can enjoy things unavailable in a normal relationship."

Ah, but kinky "slaves" require particular treatment! Isn't that a trade?

No because, if this were some dystopia - or Ancient Rome! - where a woman could simply purchase a personal slave, she'd still have to manage him: give him orders, discipline him, keep him in his place. There'd also be protocol so his presence didn't feel intrusive.

As long as the particular treatment  makes sense - has no over the top extras - then it's no more a trade than, say, adopting a dog and then having to feed, house and train it.

You could argue that, since he can get bored and pull the plug at any time, she will always feel as if it's a trade. However, from the start, he usually has more to lose than her. He's literally trapped by his own orientation. Over time, the roles just start to feel real and normal.

So though the mistress/slave relationship implies mutual obligations, I don't think it's an actual trade by any common meaning of the word. It certainly doesn't feel like one!

---

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What will Future Femdom be like?

I stand by my statement that "Femdom has no history".

The dominatrix has a history. She goes back to Summerian times at least. However, she was nicely shrink-wrapped and fire-walled in her temple precinct.

So if you insist, then, yes, Female Domination has a history, a tradition, but not the Female Dominant style of relationships. And since we can use "Femdom" to mean "a female dominant", I take that to be the core meaning:

Femdom: A relationship and/or erotic style in which the woman, her desires and needs, dominates.

What about Femdom's future history?

Kinky Actual Bucket List: Femdom Adventures I Won't Have

Just in case you thought I was living in Femdom paradise, there are plausibly doable kinky things I'd do - or I'm fairly certain I'd do - that I won't ever get to.

Temporary Chattel Slave with No Emotional Relationship

She would have to be my type..

There was a malesub on Reddit who claimed to have spent some of college as the slave to the Lesbian couple who happened to be his roommates. I'd be so up for this. There wouldn't have to be any erotic engagement from them as long as they disciplined me and kept me chaste.  I can't think of a deeper expression of my submissive love for women than to just serve such a couple.

However, I'd also be happy being the chaste slave of just one woman who didn't really know me or care about me, but did enjoy my erotic services. She wouldn't have to be my type, or even attractive. In fact the further from my type the better. Yes, it would be titillating and exciting, and there would be a measure of participative voyeurism. However, it would also be as humble an erotic situation as I can imagine.

For added points, I'd like to be casually passed around between temporary owners. "Your flat looks like it needs a clean. Shall I lend you Giles?"

This is primarily not ever going to happen because I missed the boat. I needed to have moved in BDSM circles at college or before I got married! However, even if I had done clubs and munches, I would have had to have been extremely fortunate.

Serving More Than One Woman as House Slave

I like women.

I like women. It would be awesome to spend - say - a weekend looking after a party of women as a house slave. It wouldn't have to be sexy. It would be enough to be acknowledged as a slave and otherwise ignored, except when Xena gave orders or handed out demerits.

For added points, the punishment could take place in a shared space. (Anything beyond that starts to look like erotic fantasy, and stops being "doable".)

This won't ever happen because Xena is too private, and because we aren't part of a kinky RL circle, and because even if we were it would be hard to find interested parties.

Watching While Cuckolded by a Lesbian 

Unbelievably hot.

There's an older guy on Chastity Mansion who claims, with internal consistency, to have spent the last two decades of his married life being cuckolded by a Lesbian dominatrix while being kept chaste! (It's not an entirely happy story. His wife was probably always a lesbian, but didn't know it because it was the 1970s or whatever. So what they ended up with was a good working compromise. Unfortunately his wife's kinky partner has had to move away, leaving him high and very dry.)

I find this unbelievably hot. Watching and being denied would push my buttons, as would being superseded by a woman.

For added points, this could be in the context of one of the first two scenarios.

It's not going to happen because Xena is 100% straight, or else is unwilling to explore her bi side. Even if she was, she'd have to find a female partner willing to have a slave in attendance. Too bad.pierced and sealed into a permanent titanium cage

PA Piercing with Permanent Chastity

Pierced and sealed into a permanent titanium cage (source)

Mina's Bitch over on tumblr is (or was?) pierced and sealed into a permanent titanium cage.

I can't get the pictures out of my head!

I used to think getting  a pierced dick was extreme at best, and probably unwise. Now, since we haven't had sex for four or so years, the idea doesn't seem quite so silly and the benefits - inescapable chastity - have become attractive.

Make that chastity permanent - as in this stays on until we tire of being these people - and you've got me;  a perfect storm.

It's not going to happen because... well, I don't think I want a hole in my dick. There's also the random factor - will the thing migrate? - and the need to wait nearly two months before installing a device. And Xena would have to want it, which seems unlikely. However if she did, my objections would work against me... but that's for another post.

---

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What pushes my wife's buttons about male chastity...

"I prefer you that way, slave. All locked up."

BzzzzzZZZzzzzZzzzzz!

I'm kneeling at the foot of the bed, naked except for my chastity device and nipple clamps.

Xena, my wife of two decades, is having a marathon vibrator session.

This is Femdom in the raw.

It's neither a negotiated scene nor optimum for me - she has the covers drawn up so there's nothing for me to see.

There's no safeword or traffic light colours. I have no control over the action whatsoever.

All I can do is kneel there horribly horribly turned on, aware that I won't be allowed to remove my Custom Chastity Saint for weeks, and only then for quick breaks, not for any kind of orgasm, not until I've lost another 2.1 kg.

I groan.

She looks up over the mound of her knees under the covers. "Having trouble, slave?"

She knows "slave" sets me off. Knowing she knows makes it even more powerful.

My captive cock strains against its cage and I gasp, "Tell me you prefer me this way, mistress!"

 I won't be allowed to remove
my Custom Chastity Saint for weeks

"I prefer you that way, slave. All locked up."

My hips twitch and I groan again.

She giggles.

And suddenly it clicks.

Tomorrow morning, Xena will head off for a few days for work. Just before lights out, I insisted she take responsibility for the key. (Call it topping from the bottom if you like. However, from where I'm standing... kneeling... it's more a case of me not giving it away for free. If she wants a slave - she emphatically does - then she has to actually manage him.)

The totally non-kinky honest it's
to help your diet
ksafe timelock safe!  

Xena opted for the ksafe. She wasn't really interested in the process but she pressed the button and I got my moment of fear as the lugs whirred into their slots and I was irrevocably locked up for three days.

I made a point of telling her this was for real: yes, I can pull out the back, but if I masturbate I end up too puffy and bruised to get back in for an hour or so, so I'm then stuck with a partially installed chastity device locked to my balls and can't, e.g., go out to meetings or sit at my desk and work.

Xena has worked late to polish off a report, so lights out arrives with no kinky pyrotechnics. However... in the dark, she suddenly becomes frisky - prodding my balls with her feet and getting me turned on while I whimper.

"Better not have a wet dream," she purs. "That'll be another two weeks." More prodding.

More groaning from me.

"Night night slave."

Groan.

"Oh, I know what I want to do."

The light comes on and suddenly I'm kneeling on the floor at the foot of the bed while her vibrator buzzes under the covers.

She enjoyed male as prey.

Back when we were dating, she was very sexually... aggressive? Adventurous? Wild?

At the time, I took that as a meeting of erotic minds. However, looking back, I think she enjoyed male as prey. She dominated by being super sexual, overwhelming her more inhibited partners.

The snag was that, even back then, I didn't have many inhibitions. So our baseline vanilla sexual styles were ultimately incompatible.

That left vanilla and kinky teasing styles: stringing out my orgasm, making me work for it. That amused her for a while. However, for her, deep down, tuning into me and playing me artfully always felt irritatingly like service, and she's very dominant.

We were left with what we mostly have now: a warm marriage, but a coldly instrumental erotic relationship in which I serve and she takes, and she sometimes beats me for various infractions.

I like being used

I'm not complaining, I like being used. (To be honest, if I weren't married I would be fine in that kind of part-time relationship with somebody where there was no emotional bond whatsoever.)

However, it's also a turn on for me when she's turned on by kink, and of course I want her to be happy and have her peak moments. And it makes the Femdom both more sustainable and more deliciously unpredictable.

How do my wife's peak erotic moments arrive?

Mostly in what I think of as Diva Mode. Here's her Mode Table as per my Vanilla Dominatrix book:

The red arrow indicates her diminishing energy levels. It's never about me, and only ever about her when she's feeling energised. My reactions are important as proof of her power. She's neither playing me nor really engaging with my feelings.

Her peak moments arrive mostly
when she beats me

Mostly, Diva Mode only happens when she beats me. If it's not too late at night and she has the energy, more often than not giving me a thorough beating gets her turned on enough to masturbate, or even involve me.

The beatings are never something I can duck out of. She's made it quite clear that safe words are for actual safety only. She can hurt me as much as she likes, even if it leaves me weeping.

It sounds as brutal as hell - it is, deliciously so. However, turn it on its head and see it from her point of view.

Any sense that her power is provisional, that I can turn the tables and pull the rug out from under her leaving her looking silly, is a passion killer. She'd end up second guessing herself, trying to judge things right so I didn't pull the plug.

Unconditional power may be a turn on, but for her it's also a disinhibitor. If she feels secure, then she can settle back and enjoy the Femdom.

Her other peak Femdom moments arise when she starts teasing me about being locked. It's always after lights out, and always when it's really clear I'm staying locked for a while, especially when the ksafe comes into action.

I did try to reflect this with our original FLR chastity system: her orgasms put back mine by days or even weeks. This stopped working after a couple of years. The mistake was that it made her orgasms about me rather than a celebration of her power. Essentially I was trying to nudge her into the wrong column.

I suggested something different at the start of this year: we agreed she would try a month of her having the arbitrary power to tell me to unlock on a Monday (i.e. to get off) and that otherwise I would stay chaste. She simply denied me an orgasm for four weeks.

Which takes us back to me kneeling on the floor, quivering while the vibrator buzzes around my wife's unseen pussy.

Security lets her relax into her dominance.

It's never about how long I've been locked, or the act of locking. That's all about making a fuss over me and my emotions.

I had thought it was about how long I will be locked, but really that was just her need to set sensible limits so her conscience didn't kick in. The more practical the chastity device, the longer I've shown  I can cope with chastity, the more casual she is about leaving me locked in it.

So my wife has three kinky passion killers and two matching kinky dis-inhibitors:

• An insecure power relationship makes her hold back for fear of breaking it. Security lets her relax into her dominance.
• Responsibility makes her second guess herself, and feels like service. Freedom from responsibility unleashes her whimsical sadistic side.
• Focus on me feels like service. Focus on her makes her horny. 

What am I going to do about this? (Because it's my job to come up with ways to make the Female Led Relationship work for both of us.)

I'll certainly continue to treat the rules and the power as real! Also, the Saint 2.0 I'm expecting to get to field test later in the year will be even more practical than the one I am currently locked into. I have a horrible sexy feeling that that will take the brakes off her dominance.

That leaves how to deal with lockup.

• She clearly doesn't enjoy managing my lock up - that forces her to be responsible and puts the focus on me, a double whammy.
• She clearly does want me to be in as close to permanent chastity as is practical, even if she doesn't quite want to take responsibility for it.
• She's most enthusiastic when it's not about my heroic feats of self discipline (and hence me), e.g. since I've been able to wear 24/7 my periods of chastity have increased.
• When lockup is the default, then she doesn't tend to order me to unlock.

....does want me to be in
as close to permanent chastity
as is practical... 

So we should definitely use the ksafe more, and set it for much longer time periods. Or try sealing the device in some semi permanent way. And I should not expect too much drama around the actual locking.

However, it does seem to be a good thing to call attention to how much time ahead I have to endure.

This leads me to an interesting idea.

Suppose I set the ksafe for two weeks, locked the key in, then took the batteries out?

Each night when I present her with my demerit counter, I could also offer a little plastic wallet with the batteries in it. She has the option to tell me install them so I can be freed in two weeks. If she doesn't feel like making a decision, I stay locked by default. However, she's also reminded that I'm locked for at least those two weeks...

We'll see.

---

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

GET THE "FOR HIM" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!
GET THE "FOR HER" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)

(For ebook format, 

Lulu or iTunes.)